my boyfriend is cheap...?

Question

just to clear things up, what's bothering me is not about money, it's about thought. my boyfriend and i don't go out and do things a lot that cost money, and it doesn't bother me, because we have fun together, and that is what matters to me. he and i both have jobs and make money, but he does make more than i do. he contributes a *lot* to his mom's bills, and not only that, pays for *her* gas for her car, even though she works (she spends her money...not wisely.) i am a single mom (my daughter is from a previous relationship) so most of my money goes towards taking care of her :) :) today he said something though that really bothered me...i mentioned something about starting christmas shopping early- i do it slowly and budget my money- and i said i wanted his sizes for clothes, and he said that he didnt want people buying him anything because he wasn't buying anything for anyone! do i have a right to be upset over this? i am *not* a gold digger, i pay for myself...but still...

Answer 1

You should be glad that he is your boyfriend and not your husband.

Answer 2

I know you're an adult...but he's still a boyfriend, and unless there's a ring on your hand, you have no reason to expect authority over his money. Your daughter is your responsibility and his mom is his responsibility. You each have responsibilities. When your daughter gets old enough to drive, you might be buying *her* gas too. When your daughter's cell phone bill exceeds her income, you might be paying *her* bills too. A *lot* of your money likely goes towards your daughter too.

In essence, both you and him are doing the same things, you're both caring for dependents and you see it as unfair (he probably does too!).

If he has any plans of comittment with you, he would probably be assisting you more financially. But since he's not, he's probably not that serious about you.

My fiance hates christmas gifts...whereas I love christmas and the shopping. I explained to him why I enjoy christmas shopping, for me it's about finding something meaningful to express how much you care about someone. He sees christmas as a mad dash to buy the love of people who already know you love them - aka: total waste of money. So, I just accepted it as a "boy thing" and told him I would still like to get him a gift and it would hurt me if he didn't accept it. We both exchanged small gifts over christmas. But you're buying him clothes - most guys don't care about clothes...they'll wear whatever you dress them in (or whatever doesn't stink). So don't waste your money on clothes, find something that he really likes...get him a photo of the two of you, or a book, or some fishing/golf/hockey/football gear, some fancy booze even (I'm engaged to a gin man! It's what he likes...it's not *special* but I think a nice fancy gin would be a decent gift this year).

You're not being a gold digger, you just need to accept that at this point in your relationship you cannot govern his spending habits. Even if he makes more than you, he shouldn't be expected to contribute all the time...it would be so nice if he did, but it doesn't always happen like that.

Answer 3

It's not the money thing that is bothering you - it is the feeling that he does not care or is not as "committed" to the relationship as you. However, that is probably not the situation. I have found that many people just do not like the whole "gift exchange" thing. It is not a matter of money for them, they just see it as a chore and not as a way to show how you care. Sounds like your boyfriend has been raised to "raise" his Mom. Which is sad. You did not mention how old he is, but I would offer this advice. It is GREAT to be with a man who cares about his Mom and is somewhat of a "Mama's boy", but it is going to be a nightmare to be in a relationship with a boy/man who lets his Mom control his life.
Hope that makes some sense.
Best wishes and congratulations on being the self-sufficient woman that you are.

Answer 4

It makes me wonder why he is helping his mom out. Maybe there is a good reason for it. Maybe she worked hard to take care of him so he is just returning the love in the best way he knows how and lucky enough to be able to help her. I don't think he sounds cheap at all. He just has different priorities than you. Nothing wrong with him being upfront and honest about not buying gifts. He gave you the option to chose by telling you so now you have to decide if you are giving just so you can also receive or because you want to give. People seem to get wrapped up in the holidays for the wrong reason. Don't get sucked into that trap.

Answer 5

I understand what you are saying. You wouldn't expect an expensive present, just something that shows he cares. I would be upset if I was dating someone and he let a holiday as important as Christmas go by without something. Even if he doesn't want to spend money, he could at least make a card or something.

Although, Christmas may not mean the same thing to him as it does to you. Perhaps you should discuss the holiday and it's meaning before you get upset. :)

Best wishes!!

Answer 6

1) how long have you been dating? Perhaps he isnt at the point here he wants to trade gifts? OR maybe he doesnt celebrate christmas or just doesnt believe in the present part of it.

2) his bills may be more than he makes. If that is true, then he doesnt have $ to buy people things thus would feel guilty if he got something. Did he react this way for birthday or valentines?

Answer 7

I totally understand your point of view! My husband is like this, and trust me, it doesn't get any better. I will tell you this: if it bothers you now, if you get married, it will be a major issue. A boyfriend doesn't have to spend a lot of money on a girl, but he should at least want to spend something. It's great that he's helping his mom, but you're his girl. If he really loves you, he should explain that he doesn't have that much money, or at least buy you a meal at McDonald's!

Answer 8

Girl don't be mad, take the money that you would have used to buy gifts for him, buy for yourself. I can almost bet you that he'll be annoyed that you didn't get him something for Christmas , but I would feel nothing about not getting him anything, nor would I waste any energy on being upset about that, that actually makes things easier for you, you don't have to guess on size , color or anything , you already know what you like.

Answer 9

I understand you are upset. I think it was careless of him to speak like that. How long have you known him? I like the fact that he is frugal but does this behavior carry over to emotional issues? If he is emotionally distant then it may not be good sign. He may be a borderline sociopath. One who has trouble relating to anyone. Where his base values are more important than others. Being a borderline sociopath may not be too bad if that is the goal of the individual. They tend to be a very successful business man.
My mother was always complaining about my Dad like that.
But our family never had any problems living a very comfortable life. However, we always had problems communicating.

I guess your were expressing your frustration, I tried to answer the best I could.

Thank you for your question

Answer 10

Everyone or just about any responsible person has something that eats into their cash flow. You both have yours. But presents don't have to be expensive, they need to be thoughtful. And his attitude is way off base. I would serious consider whether I wanted to continue my relationship because he will never get betterand you will always be disappointed. Once you are married, little things get very big and big things make you want to divorce. If you are questioning his actions, you already know the answer in your heart. Don't waste time-it's very limited. Surround yourself with people that are like you and make you happy. Surround yourself with people that are thoughtless and inconsiderate, you will always be unhappy. Life is choices and the you reap the consequences. Looks like it's time for another choice. . .Much happiness to you. . .

And never settle for less than you deserve. . .

Answer 11

Kim Kim Kim..... Your biggest problem isn't the fact that he's cheap, its that he's taking care of his mother... Are you SURE you want to be with someone like that... Im a single mother myself and would NEVER allow my son to do all of that for me. He has his own life to live. It sounds like his mother is keeping him on a tight rope - intentionally..... Anyway, think about it.... To answer your question, you do have a right to be upset because if your his girlfriend, he should be thinking about you (which leads me to what I previously wrote). As for you giving him a gift, now that you know how he feels, if you decide to give him a gift, remember that giving comes from the heart - so don't do it if your expecting something back. Good luck.