Spiritual Abuse - Question for Christians?

Question

Hi, I'm dealing with a church situation where my leaders, who I once totally trusted, seem to be acting in spiritually abusive ways towards the congregation. When I confront them about it honestly, they seem to act like nothing happened, or they twist the situation into something else, and I end up feeling crazy for questioning them.

Why/how do leaders become this way? Can people be THAT self-unaware that they would not see their own manipulative tactics? I'm really confused about how good, upstanding people can suddenly flip-flop and become authoritarian, manipulative, and worse, unable to acknowledge any wrong or see their own faults in any way. It's like all of a sudden we don't speak the same language, or live in the same reality, because they do these really intensely harsh things, and then two seconds later, it's like they didn't even see how harsh they were being....where does that disconnect come from?

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Thanks for your help...

Details -- there was a sort of church split where two of the pastors left, and as a result chrch members have been polarized. The senior pastors make spiritualized comments about everyone who has left, as if a "spirit" is influencing their decisions, and don't seem to care about the fact that they are leaving. Everything is subsumed in the larger agenda or "God-given purpose" of the church. So basically, the head pastors speak negatively and distrustfully of people who question the church, or leave the church. They make accusations about those people as if they are dark and sketchy, and it seems like they are paranoid about everyone who asks any questions. Furthermore, when I confront them about their negative talk of others, they act like it isn't negative - they act like they are saying those things to "protect" people with the "facts" of who those people are. But in reality, it makes me distrust and become suspicious too. I am in a lot of pain, because I loved these leaders so much.

Answer 1

The simple answer concerning pastors is that there is a lust for power in the hearts of many in Christian leadership. Combine this with deep insecurity, a need for control and deep pride, and the formula is there for an abusive leadership to emerge. Jesus warned his disciples against this type of leadership right after the mother of James and John asked for a place of honor for her sons in the Kingdom: “Jesus called them together and said, ‘You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave – just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many.”

The greater questions are how is such an abusive leader able to maintain his power and destructive ways, and why do his followers blindly take part in their own destruction? Indeed, the followers become co-abusers with the leadership toward both themselves and toward any who would dare to think or act in ways that are prohibited by the group.

Answer 2

First of all, understand that Christians are just people like everybody else. They hold positions (jobs) just like everybody else. They have the same emotions as everybody else. And they get tired or frustrated just like anybody else. With that said, we need to acknowledge that even leaders in a church get out of 'sorts'. "Me" gets in the center instead of "Christ" being in the center. Ego gets in the way. Or like a lot of people, 'position' sometimes goes to people's head. That is not acceptable to Jesus. I'm sure the people you are talking about knows what they have done, they just are refusing to acknowledge it to you. Again, that is not acceptable conduct to Jesus. They should have gone and sat down and talked the situation over with you, and realized that they were a 'stumbling block' to your faith, and asked for forgiveness, and assured you that they would make it right and do better. We all are 'Christians under construction'... we all sin. And it's up to us to help each other right a wrong and walk the walk. If the problem persists, I would go to the Pastor and share your thoughts. Ask a third party to be present, so what is said is not misunderstood. If the Pastor refuses to address the situation, go to the head committee that is in charge of the Pastor, and share. God's church is a church of grace. All this can be resolved with some loving corrective conversations. The guilty parties should be pleased that someone is helping them to correct an attitude that reflects badly on Christ and the Church. Keep a sweet spirit..... your witness is important also. OK.

Answer 3

You have to be more specific to get the right answers. What you call harsh or manipulating may not be that way to others. You're making some harsh accusations without any facts......never a good thing. If what you say is true.....there are steps you can take. There is a chain of command in any organization and always in a church......if not, you need to get out. Everyone is accountable to someone.......that's as it should be. But, can't help you on generalities.

Answer 4

Can I understand it? No...I never comprehend it when people act ugly, even myself...Bottom line: "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9 NIV. Thank God for Jesus, without whom we would have no hope!

Sounds like you've really been hurt. I think you would benefit from reading this book: "Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experiences" by Ken Blue.

By the way, acting as if everything is normal after hurting someone is typical of many types of abusers. And you're right, it does make you question your sanity. I think it's supposed to, because as long as you're unsure of yourself, they retain control and insulate themselves from your counter-attack/defense. They may not consciously reason it out, but that's the effect.

Pray for them (for your sake as much as theirs), and pray about where God wants you. It may be time for you to move on to a different, healthier church, or God may want you to stay to make a difference. It probably depends on just how dysfunctional the church has become.

I'm sorry you've been going through this. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him in this difficult situation. (See Romans 15:13)

Answer 5

ephod~ this is not unique to Christian churches. It's a common problem in any institution with a strong leadership structure. As the saying goes...."power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely". It doesn't have to be that way but all too often it is.

Answer 6

Where on earth have you been???? It is I "JA"!

BTW - so much is coming down on churches everywhere these days. We are in great spiritual tribulation to be sure.

Eph 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].

GREAT to see you again!

~Johnny Appleseed

Answer 7

Where does it come from? Pride. The root of all sin. And it can kill.

What to do about it? Sounds to me like it's time for find a new Church.

Be like Lot and not Lot's wife. Don't even look back.

Answer 8

that has no longer been my journey in any respect. no longer purely mine in my view yet all those i understand. i might desire to appreciate what "examine" you're concerning yet so some distance as journey mine is distinctive. in fact, Christianity taught me who i grow to be in God and that i need to be solid and enable issues flow somewhat of keeping them interior. It taught me that i grow to be a kings youngster with no longer purely the privileges of that however the known jobs as properly which helped me advance no longer purely self esteem, self properly worth however the assumption of duty. I even have gained no longer something yet solid from my Christian reports and preparation. there grow to be no worry or guilt - there grow to be alot of exhilaration, exhilaration and undeniable ol' relaxing as a new child. i grow to be picked on in college some yet maximum infants are approximately one factor or yet another. It did no longer "scar" me nor did i come across it "severe." i grow to be very social in school and mature for my age. i do no longer undergo in ideas having any emotional complications - i grow to be an honor pupil, in stay overall performance and marching band, performed for church congregational singing because of the fact the age of 12 and taught a Sunday college type because of the fact the age of 14 (I taught the little junior type). i grow to be properly adjusted, had super buddies and an entire life. what's so undesirable approximately that?

Answer 9

I'm afraid it is quite common. A mixture of pride and arrogance. Many of them need inner healing and deliverance - which is usually the last thing they'll agree to.
Good answer from Rella.

Answer 10

Could you give us a few details? What are they doing that is harsh? It is impossible to answer this question unless you give us some specifics. Ill check in later.....