mother in law christmas?

Question

my mother in law drinks a lot and then becomes really nasty. she has called me every name under the sun and threatened to have me killed.
we ask her to come and see our son every week or so, and she is always to hung over to come, she has seen him twice in 6 months and lives just 10 minutes down the road
my family are about 6 hours away, but come and see us every 2nd weekend, so i want to spend christmas with them as does my husband.
MY mother in law is being really nasty about it, and is calling us daily to tell us what disappointments we are, and that we wont let her see her grandchild and my husband is starting to think we should spend it with her to shut her up. I dont think we should reward her behaviour, but i want to do something coz i am sick of the abusive calls. what should i do?

Answer 1

Change your phone number or just don't answer the phone if she calls (hopefully you have called ID). Does your M-I-L live with anybody? If so, maybe you could talk to them. Does she have any other children? Are they having the same problems? Explain to her that her actions are not appropriate around her grandchild. Good Luck sweetie.

Answer 2

The holiday isn't the primary issue. It's her negative behavior. It's easy to feel obligated to accomodate her because she's your husband's mother. However she needs to be an adult. You and your husband should sit down and make some visitation rules then call her and tell her how it's going to be. For example: We don't mind if you come over to visit our kid(s). In fact we think it would be really great, however we ask that you are not drunk, hung over, or verbally abusive. As adults we are role models to children and I don't want them to see these behaviors. We plan to visit my family during the holidays, but we also plan to spend some time with you. Please do not call my house making threats because I will not speak to you and I will call the police if it escalates. Make sure you follow through on whatever you agree to. I would also address her drinking. It might be time for an intervention.** When extinguishing a negative behavior you will experience an extinction burst, meaning that the negative behavior will increase for a brief time until it begins to decline.

Answer 3

Well...honestly speaking, how your mother-in-law treated you in the past is one thing. But, now that you have a child...it's quite another story. As adults, we're capable (though we shouldn't have to be) of being in the presence of bad, irresponsible, and angry people without much long-term damage.

Your child on the other hand is not equipped, at six months old, to deal with or be in the presence of such behavior. Not only is your MIL's behavior destructive and abusive, but the fact that she drinks in the presence of your family means she's putting your child’s wellbeing at risk.

My hat's off to your husband who is choosing to stand by your side and put his family first. His first intuition that you should spend Christmas with YOUR family is correct. It's only his mother's chiding and guilty talk that's making him think irrationally.

I believe the best response to your mother-in-law is to tell her that you would be willing to spend time with her so she can see her grandchild when she decides that she can do so without drinking or being inebriated. Make it clear that when she visits no alcohol will be served in her presence. Then, you and your husband have to stick to that and not drink yourselves. When she can make those adjustments, then I'd have her over for short, supervised visits with your child(ren) and not until then.

I'm sure your husband grew up with this behavior and could be a little desensitized to it, but wouldn't NOW be a good time to break the cycle...for your family's sake?

Good Luck!
The Coach

Answer 4

You and your husband should not be held hostage by an abusive and alcoholic relative, even his mother. She doesn't come by to see you when invited, berates you, and then wants you to spend a loving celebration with her. I think you both know that she must be told that you will no longer accept her phone calls unless she can behave and you have other Christmas plans but maybe next year, after you both see her trying to be a loving mother and grandmother.

Your husband must be the one who delivers the message, as she will demonize you, even if in a letter. She won't get better until she realizes that her family won't tolerate this abuse. Good luck and be strong, together.

Answer 5

boy girly do i know how you feel !

talk to your husband b.cuz he seems like the type of man that is understanding, he must understand your mother in laws drinking abuse and how she doesnt want to see the children all year but once you decide to take the childrens to your parents shes getting nasty. well in any case tell her to come or take the children to her the week before but i would not reward her behavior .. your parents should get to see the children when planned not the other way around.

Answer 6

I think you know what to do. The question is Will your husband support you?
Your best (nonviolent) option would be,
Tell all people involved that you refuse to take any more abuse.
Get a "Caller ID" and when she calls, simply don't answer.
Your Mother in law has a problem. Don't make it your problem or your Sons problem.

Answer 7

Screen the mother in laws calls and go see YOUR family this Christmas. Its YOUR family's turn, regardless. Your mother in law is not a child, shes an adult, she cant just stamp her feet and make everyone's life a misery to get her own way

Answer 8

show her this question that u have posted and explain to her y u want to spend time with your family and not her tell her that u have asked her sevral times to go see her grandchild and that she gets really nasty when drunk and then if she promise to keep low see if she can be included her in with your familys christmas..xx (hope this helps) ooo yer and by the way this might not help coz i am only 13..xx

Answer 9

Your husband is a little crazy. His mother calls you names and has threatened to have you killed and he wants her around his child and you for the holidays. His mother has a drinking problem and that problem is hers not yours. It is no fun being around a nasty drunk. I find it funny you disappoint her and she can't even function in life.

As far as his mother send her a bottle and tell her to live it up. Enjoy the holiday with your family. Your child should not be around your mother in law.

Answer 10

Why make Christmas miserable for your kids?
See your parents and enjoy it.
Then maybe a short visit with the mother -n-law afterwards.
If she gets nasty, just leave. But she cant say you didn't spend anytime with her, right?