Hi, I need the conclusion of my essay to be Stronger and more powerful. Here is what I came up with,(final draft) I'm putting the entire essay in just so its relevant but please let me know if you think its a strong conclusion!
Thanks:
Any general comments on the essay are also welcome :)
Essay Link: http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-fo0sQB04daVwBLXGYsa4
Its just my yahoo 360 blog that i just made because this has a character limit
2007-10-09 05:48:37 · 5 answers · asked by :) 2 in Education & Reference ➔ Other - Education
Liquiodd, the conclusion is powerful because it sums up your arguments, but it is a bit rough. Here's my suggested revision:
Although sexual marketing faces widespread disapproval, it can make a business successful. It may provide a bad influence for children, show disrespect toward women, and portray a business in an unprofessional way. Sexual marketing targeted on young teens is especially problematic. Still, selling sex may be a productive investment. Parents may not like it, and may restrict their children from its influence, but no one can stop the cultural evolution. Sexual marketing will be corroding attitudes toward women and filling the minds of children with questionable ideas into the foreseeable future. Eventually companies may push it so far out of control that the actions it suggests are adopted as everyday behavior. That is the ultimate problem with sexual marketing.
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Cheers,
Bruce
2007-10-09 06:01:13 · answer #1 · answered by Bruce 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The conclusion looks pretty solid. I might make it a bit shorter though. Too long of a conclusion and people get tired. Especially after reading a fairly long essay. Overall, I would suggest tightening it up. Shortening your paragraphs will hold the reader's attention. And lastly, go over it meticulously for typos and grammatical errors.
2007-10-09 13:01:55 · answer #2 · answered by blazerang 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In the conclusion of the essay, you use the word capital improperly. The word you are looking for is profit.
Overall, I found a few gramatical errors, you are missing a few commas etc...
Good luck on your paper!
2007-10-09 13:04:41 · answer #3 · answered by Ann Marie J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I were you. I would try to shorten this a bit. The conclusion says a lot in itself. The conclusion is really good.
2007-10-09 13:06:24 · answer #4 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it sounds great! i think its powerful enough
2007-10-09 12:54:38 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋