I'm having the most difficult time with my mother. She's always manipulating me. It's for the stupidest things too. My mother lives with me, she's an alcoholic and has cancer. She thinks the world owes her something, for her screw ups. Lets say I just made a big dinner and everyone eats, but her. She was invited but chooses not to eat with us. She'll try to sneak food and eat it in her room. And then lie and say she didn't eat and puts a huge guilt trip on me. I want her to eat and to take care of herself. Why does she feel the need to try and manipulate me all the time? I don't feel sorry for her because everything thats wrong with her is something she's inflicted on herself, and she does it continuously. Like she'll finish her chemo and go off and get drunk then hurt herself come back home and whine and complain and I have to fix her, clean her up, bandage whatever she hurt, but why is it everyone else's fault? Why can;t she take responsibility for her action?
2007-10-09 05:31:30 · 7 answers · asked by Desiree 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
My ex-sister in law is the same way. She is a raging alcoholic, gets into fights (literal fist fights) with complete strangers because she is so foul mouthed and caustic. Her attitude towards the world is very grim, pessimistic and gloomy. It's really heart breaking.
She and I have had conversations at various holidays while she was still married to my brother in law. What I have been able to determine is her mother was the same way, and although she constantly criticized her mother for being that way, my ex-sister in law has become a bitter, manipulative, self pitying person, too.
I doubt you can do anything about your mother's manipulative ways. It is a personality trait so ingrained, she probably doesn't even realize that she is doing it -- and if you confront her about it, she will most likely deny she is that way. Her behaviour most likely has helped gain attention, albeit negative, and it has served her well for many years.
The best thing you can do in this situation is to stand up for yourself, continue exactly what you are doing, and care for your mother to the best of your ability. In her physical condition, along with the abuse she continues to inflict upon herself, she may not be with you much longer.
Be strong, and remain firm. You're doing the right thing.
2007-10-09 07:03:00 · answer #1 · answered by tracy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Deseree it almost sounds like she continues to manipulate you because you allow it to happen. You are an adult now and as such need to sit her down and let her know point blank how her behaviour is not only affecting her life but yours as well. Yes life sometimes stinks but that is true in everyone's life. Your mom should be grateful that she has a daughter that has allowed her to move in with her and does the best she can to help her. Maybe a good idea would be for you to attend some Alanon meetings to learn how to deal with HER drinking problem. Alcoholism is very much a family disease and many alcoholics are the best con men (or ladies) around and do attempt to manipulate things and do not take responsibility for their own actions. Cut the apron string and do not be there for her at her beck and call and perhaps her eyes will open a bit more to lives realities. Best of luck to you both.
2007-10-09 05:41:58 · answer #2 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She's trying to get attention; she feels lost and lonely and scared because of the cancer. If she continues to live with you, you will need to hire a caregiver at least part of the time so the two of you have some much needed space. I took care of my Mom for the last four years of her life but she was not an alcoholic and was a lovely, wonderful, loving woman who always put me and my needs before her own. Eventually she was unable to go to the bathroom on her own and at that point I hired a caregiver because I had been on duty 24/7 for six months and had no more than 1-2 hours to myself, impossible to get one night's sleep. Having someone to help will take a huge weight off of you so you will be ab le to deal with her, and also as another person said, go to some Al Anon meetings so you can understand the alcoholic behavior.
2007-10-09 06:08:14 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mom sounds like she has had psychological problems for a very long time. This is not new. The only difference is you grew up and now you see her for what she is. I personally think she has borderline personality disorder.
I think you need to free yourself from her shinnanigans and maybe help her find somewhere new to live. You need to live your own life and obviously you are doing all you can do to help her, but its not enough for her. She continues to manipulate you and your letting her get under your skin.
You can speak with the social worker at the clinic where she gets her chemotherapy and they can offer your some idea's on how to find her a new home. She has clearly wore out her welcome at your house and will continue to manipulate you as long as you let her. She is using her position as your mother to pull it off. I would set the ground rules....and do not sway from them. Other opportunities to get her out of your house would be to wait until she is hospitalized and not allow her to come back to your home. Sounds like a nursing home is a possibility here.
Im a nurse and we see these kind of things a lot.
2007-10-09 05:51:49 · answer #4 · answered by happydawg 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mother is not going to take responsibility for her actions because you (and maybe others) are enabling her. You have given her a place to stay and fix dinner and so forth. She has no responsibility to speak of.
When she comes home from a drunken spell, let her clean herself up...you're not a nurse...you're not her mother.
When she starts complaining, tell her you don't want to hear it, go to your room, lock your door and turn your radio up.
Quit doing for her. Tell her to do for herself. Fix enough for you to eat and leave her to do as she wishes. She can choose to fix something for herself or not eat. She won't starve to death if she misses a few meals.
As long as you are enabling her to live like she is, then you need to shut up and quit whining about her.
2007-10-09 05:44:16 · answer #5 · answered by Loves the Ponies 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Damn that sucks.... Personally I am the kind of person that would be in her face about her actions.... my mother is really controlling, loud, and rolls through life with this stupid chip on her shoulder. I always express myself and my feeelings, and i dont apologize for it. Next time your mother tries to pull the guilt trip on you, flip it.... think: "well mom, im sorry you hurt yourself but im the one who went out and got loaded. your grown and your ok, get up." Then walk off, just dont let it get you. I dont know how old you are but i would consider taking neccessary steps top get out of there....
Good Luck, I know where u are and it sucks, but you can make it!!
2007-10-09 05:48:22 · answer #6 · answered by Whitney 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can force her to take responsibility by kicking her out. Tell her she has 30 days to get out. People may think it's mean, but she is doing this to herself and needs to act her age. You shouldn't have to suffer for her idiocy.
2007-10-09 05:36:57 · answer #7 · answered by RedRabbit 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋