How do I deal with my stepson/husband/inlaws?

Question

History: My stepson is 13, I have been married to his dad since he was 5. My stepson's mom is a piece of crap and is not really in his life. Because his mother is not around, my in-laws really cater to him to try and "fill the void" with giving him what he wants. What they have done is created a monster (but they don't see that) and now my husband and I are suffering for it.
Question: My husband's mother accosted me the other day because she does not like the fact that I discipline (come on now, he has 4 "F" grades and he wants to go out---not happening on my watch). My step son bad mouths not only me but his dad to my in-laws. Because she physically threatened me, I feel that there are consequences for your actions. She does not need to be involved in our parenting and the fact that she came at me like that, makes me feel like she does not deserve to be a part of our lives. Do I let my hubby deal with her or do I and what would you do?

Answer 1

does he live with you??
i'd tell her ---- if you don't think he needs discipline- he is about to come live with YOU granny!

you have been in his life since he was 5..... don't seeyour husband standing up and talking to grandma?? you do it!

Answer 2

Ultimately your husband is responsible for your stepson. Apparently your mother in law did a lousy job with him because he certainly isn't stepping up to the plate and is letting you do the dirty work. No child gets F's without some indication (papers, homework, tests)that he is failing. Someone isn't paying alot of attention to this child and apparently he knows it. 13yr old's are a pain in the behind when they aren't in this situation, let alone the mess your family is in.

If and apparently this is a big if, your husband has a backbone and can do what's right for his son, he will get you all into counseling and set up a plan of discipline with consequences. If grandma and grandpa want be negative influences, then the consequences of their actions is regimented contact(your home at your convenience).

You have a choice to continue the drama or save your son. You may not be his biological mother, but after 8years you most certainly are his mother. So be a mother and protect your son.

Answer 3

Your husband should totally be dealing with her hon, but if he doesn't or cant, then by all means, you have to say something. Being there to fill the void of his mother is commendable I give them that, but when they cross the line into parenting or spoiling to a bad level, then it's time to redraw the line and remind them that you are pretty much the mother and that you and the husband are the parents and that both of you parent the child together. Don't disown her or keep her from the son because you will be hated worse if that were to happen. He does need her around, priorities and expectations and limits truly need to be put in place and left there asap!!

Too bad he's too old to rub soap in his mouth. I'd be telling him that until his mouth calmed down he wasn't going anywhere with anyone...even if that means keeping him from the grandmother for a while, not forever. Kudos to you for being there for him when his own mother wouldn't.

Answer 4

What a sad, and also too common, situation.

Have you spoken to your husband about this confrontation with your step son's mother? I would suggest that you talk with him, present him with all the information, and express how you are feeling about this entire situation.

Although the mother is not an active participant in this young man's life, you must handle your role very delicately. Yes, you have been the primary care-taker of this child for the past 8 years, but you must remember one important thing: you are not his mother. All children, especially those who have been rejected, crave the love, attention and support from their mothers, even the bad ones. Same goes with fathers.

This poor young man sounds like he has many many issues. Yes, perhaps you should step back, let your husband handle the mother, and while he's at it, he needs to handle the In Laws, as well.

Answer 5

You and your husband together must come to an agreement about the approach you wish to take with your in-laws. If not, they will always see you as the problem and not their "dear" son. Your husband must be in total agreeance with you about how to handle your stepson. When you see your stepson struggling in school and back talking, you must enforce rules to get him back on track else he will walk all over you just as he is trying to do today. If your in-laws do not respect you and your husbands wishes, then yes, the best thing to do is limit their involvement with your stepson until they do respect your wishes. Else, you have to cut out the negative affects on his behavior by cutting them out of the picture all together. They will in turn have to learn to stay out of it or they will not get to see their grandson at all.

Answer 6

Hubby needs to deal with her, she should not be supporting her grandson in his rebellion. Also there needs to be a limit on what she buys him. Maybe she can give him money in the form off savings for College or Tech. School. but right now she is buying his affections and causing a mess. If the husband can't get anywhere with her, then there needs to be a way to keep the grandson away from her.

Answer 7

If you have been in his life for twelve years you are his mom.
so why even ask, do the mom thing and dont give a **** what that dusty old fart is saying and raise your child. you basically raised him so you know what is best. by now you should have
proven to be an adult who can care for a child or raise a bratty teenager if he plays the mommy daddy card with the inlaws kick his *** (or ground him) or take his cell phone or xbox away

Answer 8

You need to let your husband deal with it, its his family and let him talk to them cause he knows your pain as he is dealing with it. He also would know how to approach his mother.

I would let my husband tell his parents that they need to step back and mind the parenting that we give our child..

Answer 9

id get the cps involverd they have a program to put kids in jail over nite sign him up as for the other half make it clear that your the one paying for all the crap hes doing and threten to send him to militay school where they can never again see him .