My mum and dad split up when i was 3yrs old and because of a lot of bad history since then, I am planning on eloping so that they won't be in the same room together when I get married. However, i'm worried that when I come back, my mum will be devastated because she couldn't see me marry. I CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT invite her though without inviting my Dad, and there's pretty serious reasons why I can't have them together.
I'm also worried because my partner's mum deserves to see her son get wed, but she can't because of all the past trouble my family has caused (I cant just invite his family without inviting mine).
What should i do?
PS: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR that I need to talk to them and make them be civil, trust me it's been 20 years and they still wont.
2007-10-09 03:13:34 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
u doing right get away and wed Ive told my daughter to do same ...all best Gd luck
2007-10-09 03:17:00 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
That's a really, really tough one. I have some experience of this...
For sure, both your parents will want to see their daughter get married, however bad the past was. Although, it might be equally certain from your parents point of view that they definitely don't want be in the same room with each other on your wedding day.
Tell your parents individually that you are getting married & that ofcourse you would love for them to see you getting married. See if you can express to them on the separate occasions you tell them, the joy of this special occasion. Wait for them to ask you if their ex (your mother or father) will be there,if it is difficult to bring the topic up. If they don't bring the topic up you will need to say at some point that your mum/dad will also be there.
In years to come, you will be glad you made this huge effort to get both your parents to be there on your wedding day. Maybe one or both of your parents have already considered the likely senario of when you get married? The other one will be there, etc.
If it is impossible, can you consider 2 weddings?
I had a similar situation. I was a teenager when I got married (just) & we're still very happily married 21 years later! I'll let you guess what I decided to do...
Now I'm a mother myself, I see now more clearly how important it is is to see your child get married. It's a historic experience, once in a lifetime - never to be repeated again. (Although, there'll be those that'll disagree with that last sentence!)
2007-10-09 22:52:53 · answer #2 · answered by Nelly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with those who say that even though your parents are divorced and barely civil to one another, if their primary concern on YOUR wedding day is YOUR happiness, then they should be able to put aside whatever petty differences they have with each other and put your needs first. But, you know them much better than I do, and I'll take your word that they can't be adults for your wedding, which is really, really sad.
Remember, it's YOUR wedding, yours and your fiance's. You guys do what's right for the 2 of you. Period. If you guys want to have the groom's mother there, then by all means have her, because you're absolutely right, she deserves to be there and shouldn't be excluded simply because of the issues with YOUR family. She has nothing to do with any of that. Evaluate each person based on his or her individual merits, not on who's going to get ticked off if this person is invited but they weren't.
Maybe this will be a good old fashioned wake up call to your parents. I know I would be devastated if my daughter told me "Mom, I can't trust that you and Dad will behave like civil adults at my wedding, so I can't invite you. Sorry." And I'm so sorry that they've put you in this position. Someone really needs to take the 2 of them out to the woodshed, as my dad would say. They need to grow up, act like adults, act like PARENTS and put the needs of their child before their own petty, selfish interests.
2007-10-09 04:42:54 · answer #3 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the goal of a wedding should be to get your marriage off on the best possible start.
Whatever choice that requires of you, do it, and don't feel bad about it.
I have some friends that married far from home, and they got married abroad, and then came back and threw big parties -- kind of like receptions -- in each of their hometowns. If you planned a few parties like that, you could invite your dad to one and your mom to the other, you could have the celebration that will satisfy both moms as best you can, and you can still get married the way you want to.
sorry your situation's so complex.
2007-10-09 03:20:24 · answer #4 · answered by roboseyo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Elope but make sure that you have a video of the ceremony. Even though they wont be physically there they will be able to see your big day. They will understand why you could not have a big family wedding and will be happy that you thought enough to record it for them. Make sure you give them the recording in a special box or folder that shows that it is your thoughtful and special gift to them.
2007-10-09 03:25:19 · answer #5 · answered by Diane M 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi and congratulations:
Sorry for the trouble in your family. You have, however, answered your own question.
My advice would be to talk to them and tell them they better be civil on this ONE day.....but you said you don't want to hear that and it can't be done?
So, you have no other choice given this rift other than to elope with NO one there other than just you and your groom.
You say, you CAN'T invite your mom without your dad....
You CAN'T invite your grooms family without inviting your family, which would mean your mom AND your dad......
So, again, you have answered your own question! Sorry.....
2007-10-09 04:13:33 · answer #6 · answered by iloveweddings 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
thats terribly sad. I dont care what the situation is thoug, I'm a mother. My hubby and I split. When Izzy gets married, I dont care what the circumstances, its my responsibility to be an adult and see to it I act accordingly for my son's big day. We arent like that but even if we were at that point where we couldnt stand to be around each other or fighting, its bigger than that. People have to realize for one day its not about them, its about their son or daughther.
If they cant come to terms with it, then neither one of them can come and thats just how I'd say it. Give them an ultimatum. They dont have to talk to each other, they dont even have to be cordial, but they should respect what you ask of them. And that is for one day to allow this day to be yours and your husband. Millions of people have the same issue and they work it out. I know you can too.
If your mom is going to be mad about not coming to the wedding, tell her listen I cant have any drama on this day. If you are going to act like a nut case with him here then you cant come. Same for dad. Sure they'll be upset, but you know what? The wedding day is YOUR day, not their day. They had their chance already. You deserve to have a drama and stress free day as much as possible. You have enough to do with all the duties of the bride.
I wish you the best of luck.
2007-10-09 03:23:56 · answer #7 · answered by teri is ambience 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is your wedding and your partner will be with you and not
your or his parents. Invite people you think will be happy to see you two getting married. You both can drop in later and announce your relationship or even announce it at a restaurant dinner table several days after the wedding.
2007-10-09 03:20:45 · answer #8 · answered by azrim h 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a mother... I would be devastated if I couldn't go to my kids wedding! My parents have been divorced for over 20 years and they never got along, but they wouldn't ruin things for me....my parents were together when my daughter was born and they totally behaved...I know you don't want to hear this but...invite them with the condition they get along for your day!
2007-10-09 03:20:19 · answer #9 · answered by Lolligager 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why can't you invite your mom, and his parents? Your parents have to realize that since they cannot find an adult way to be in the same room together, there are things they will have to miss out on. I think it would be horrible to punish his family because your parents can't get their act together and act civilly for one day. I'd be personally very hurt if I weren't invited to attend my child's wedding.
2007-10-09 03:26:45 · answer #10 · answered by melouofs 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I would hope that because for the sake of their daughter and her first wedding they would act like adults and be civil towards each other. But if you feel as though even that won't make then act like civilized adults then elope. It sad that your fiancee's family has to suffer for two people who can't act their age.
2007-10-09 03:21:55 · answer #11 · answered by OFFICIALLY MRS. HOWARD! 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋