should i tell my stepmom what i know?

Question

my dad found out the other day that he needed some moles removed which is not unusual in our fam..ive had 27 surgeries for the same thing but his came back in teh advance stages of melenoma and all of the moles he had removed were malignant. my stepmother doesnt know about this (doesnt know about the surgery or dianosis) and my dad doesnt want her to worry cuz he dad is dying right now and has horrible alzheimers so shes really stressed out and has her own issues to deal with. my dad has been really cranky since he found this out and has been mean and snappy to everyone. my stepmom keeps venting to me about his attitude and iw ant to tell her why hes like that but obv he didnt tell her for a reason...what would u do? i think she should know but its not my place to tell her even tho shes really upset that hes so grumpy....advice please

im 22 and the only one who knows..my younger brother and sister dont know...just me :(

my biological mom died when i was 13 so she isnt around for me to talk to..i think thats part of whats scaring me so much..i already lost one parent at a young age..i dont want to lose my dad too. i havent slept much since he told me..he keeps syaing not to worry about it but i cant help but think about the worst case scenario and it terrifies me

Answer 1

Instead of you telling her, encourage your Dad to tell her. Tell him he's being unfair to her by acting the way he does and not giving her a reason for it. He doesn't want her to worry and he thinks he's protecting her by not telling her but he's adding to her stress by acting the way he is. Tell him if he doesn't tell her you will. It's unfair of him to place that burden on you.

Also talk to him about your fears that he'll die. Tell him you're stressed out by knowing about it and you need help in dealing with it, too. He tells you not to worry about it but it's a natural response on your part. Ask him if you can talk to his doctor so you can discuss your fears with a professional who knows the answers. His doctor may be able to help you feel more secure about your Dad's future.

If he says no, try to get some kind of counseling for yourself. You've had a heavy burden placed on you and you need help in dealing with it. There is a web-site, www.cancercare.org that offers advice for family members of people with cancer. They also offer free counseling. Check it out for further help. Take care of you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Answer 2

Talk to your dad, tell him she's doen't understand what's bothering him and is worried about him. Then start doing research on advanced melenoma. Don't give up yet! What do the doctors say? Are there any studies or drug trials that your dad qualifies for. What about a second opinion. This is a lot for you to deal with. Can you get other family (with your dad's permission) and friends to help with the research. Check out carepages.com it's a way to get information to family and friends when a loved one is ill, another site is caringbridge.com. . You might suggest these sites to your step-mother they might be able to help her deal with her father's illness. These sites can also connect you with other families going through the same thing you are. Do you have people to turn too a minister, Aunt, Uncle, or older person? This is a lot for a 22 year old to deal with. Good Luck and God Bless You.

Answer 3

When I was young I went through a heavy time but she has no right calling you a lazy fat cow. Insults are horrible coming from an adult to a child. I bet if you told your father she said this she would out right deny what she said. Ignore her... She nothing but a bully. If you want to catch her saying these things have a hidden voice recorder in your pocket that can catch every word she says, then show your dad the truth. Well if this is your height and weight you should lose some weight for good health, but if you have water retention then there's medication for that too. Not all weight problems are due to fat, since there are many health issues that cause weight gain. So I can't say either way. Good Luck with that stepmother of yours, and I hope you can show her a better set of manners.

Answer 4

I think it is too big a burden for a 22 year old to keep to herself or to decide. Does your mom (natural) know about this? I think your step mom should know. Dads concern aside but I think she should know so she will be more understanding towards your Dad better. If those were malignant, I am sure you want him to live his last days happily. Why not discuss this with his doctor and let the doctor break the news to her? They are better trained to do such things. Otherwise, she might be upset with you and your brother for keeping it from her when she found out which is sooner or later. She is his wife for that matter. take care.

Answer 5

This situation seems to be part of your family medical issues and so shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Your father needs to be a grown up and tell his wife what is going on. You're right, its not your place to do it and tell him that. Time for a family meeting, and let everyone know so everyone can start dealing with it. This is a stupid thing to keep a secret, but men sometimes do this sort of stuff. Its all about keeping a shred of control in a situation that is out of his control.

Answer 6

I myself would tell her....not telling her is worse than lying in my book. Your father is her husband and she deserves to know. I know she may have alot on her plate right now, but how would you feel if the situation were reversed? I was in this situation and I was very upset when I found out, that no one wanted to tell me because I had alot going on in my life. My father was diagnosed with Emphysema, and my father asked my sisters not to tell me because I was having horrible marriage problems.
I would have rather have been told so I could be there with my dad. I think you should tell her.

Answer 7

I would not tell your step-mother yet what I would do is talk to your father.

He says he doesn't want to tell her since he is worried about her yet in the end you note that he treats her/others poorly. Your father by not telling her is adding to, not alleviating, her stress level.

On a side note it is unfortunate that you are put in the middle of your father and step-mothers relationship in this manner.

Answer 8

I will tell you honey what is not fair, It was not fair for your dad to tell you and worry you till your scared of losing him also. Tell him this!Then tell him that it is not your place to tell your step mom but if he doesn't you will.Because it is not only making him snappy and in a bad mood but it is affecting you in an awful way also.God Bless sweety and Will Keep you All in my Prayers.

Answer 9

I would talk to my dad and tell him it is not right to keep that a secret from her. If he is dieing the whole family needs to know. He won't be able to keep the secret forever any way.

Answer 10

i believe maybe you and your step mom should take a drive or something and you should fill her in your dad's trying to save her the pain but in reality he's making it worse he might get upset with you for telling but actually he shouldn't be hiding something like this from his wife that's not far to her and if something does happen to him then she will never forgive you for keeping such a secret and neither will your siblings