Should a Father be more worried about protecting his marriage or his 12 year old?

Question

i am the daughter. my mom has an alcohol problem, has had an affair, and physically and verbally abused me.

my dad's still in the marriage (in my opinion- because he is in secure, after the affair and all, and cannot imagine my mom with anyone else)


he is really smart (a millionaire) but he cannot seem to understand what i am telling him. he is not receptive.

(i am 15 now. it has been going on since i was eight so i picked a middle age)

drivenmu... this has gone on my whole life. i've given second chances and 80th chances and am so hurt because i've TRIED so hard to HAVE parents. i am so sad to say i don't have a morsel of respect for either of them anymore. and the abuse is real. i dealt with CPS on separate claims regarding my mom. my dad has watched my mom kick me in the ribs while i wailed, curled on the floor. he and stood there.

i have sent myself to other states and tried running away. both have only punished ME.

oh and when i was eleven i got anorexia because it was all i could do to cope :( i told a nurse that i wanted to die (in pain.) they put me on a 3-day lock down at some psych ward because of it. my mom told them to keep me so i lived in an empty white box of a room with four walls and four cameras because she didn't want me. i hadn't even entered middle school...


i don't see a situation that could be worse. i know s.parents are hard for some kids but i really want an adult i can respect...

Answer 1

I say, he should definetley be more worried about his daughter.

Answer 2

Depends on the situation. Is the daughter his of the marriage, or a stepchild situation. Is the mother a stepmom? If so, a 12 year old has a rough time accepting dad being with someone else. Many a marriage has been destroyed by a stepchild, hating the stepmom or stepdad. If this were the situation, then dad must always protect his marriage to have a strong front to set boundaries for the child. A 12 year old is a child, not emotionally ready to push mom out and have dad all to herself. Focus on growing up, not in destroying dad's marriage. If there is abuse, get help, but otherwise, focus on your life not his.

Answer 3

Your children come first, so if this means that the family will be disconnected and battles for custody and the hardship of divorce, not to mention the inadvertent bad mouthing of the other parent during or after the divorce will only push you child away.
So I guess the answer is both. You need to salvage the marriage if not for anyone but the children, then when they are grown you can get a divorce, but usually by the time they leave, the money arguments and the battle over the children has stopped so you don't have anything to fight about anymore.
Get your children involved too, they are the ones that have to deal with this, they also see your faults for what they are. So don't go busting their balls about what they have to say, listen.
A child can be very honest and open about what they see, while adults tend to dismiss our bad habits.

My best regards to you all!

Answer 4

Rest assured, you are the priority IF it comes to that. I know you're mad at your mom for acting the way she's acted. I know you think it's totally unforgivable-- both the things she's done to your dad and the things she's done to you. She has acted completely irresponsibly and hurt you a lot.
I know you think you know what's best for your dad. There's a chance that you're right. However, it's best to focus right now on your relationship with your father. He's a smart man, like you said. Right now he might be insecure or feel hurt from your mom's affair, but there's a reason he's trying to stay with her (most likely for your sake!). He may very well be making a sacrifice for you, so that you don't have to grow up in a broken home, dealing with lawyers and visitation, two Thansgivings, and all the other ugly situations that come from divorce.
You are also probably not totally informed about the situation and you need to realize that. You might not know everything and your parents may still be trying to do what's best, despite mistakes from the past.
Your mother may have problems. Don't forget, she's your mom. She may be trying to get healthy. Try to keep your heart open for her.
The most troublesome part of your question is the abuse allegations. Your father must know about this. If he already does, demand that you are brought to a professional counselor for this issue. No matter what your parents go through with their marriage, you are ALWAYS entitled to a safe and healthy home, free of verbal and physical abuse. Please, however, (and I am not trying to discredit you, but I understand how you feel) PLEASE make sure you are sincere with your claim. That is, be HONEST with yourself about what you have experienced and BE SURE it is not stemming from your negative feelings about what your mom did to your dad. Do not be dramatic or exaggerate. Abuse is a VERY serious claim and needs to be handled responsibly.
This is an awful lot for you to handle and I commend you for being so strong. It's hard to deal with such adult issues when you're a teenager. Do your best to be fair and strong and loving with both your parents. But NEVER allow your safety to be compromised.

Answer 5

A wife doesn't need as much protection as as teenager. Marriage won't last if the couple doesn't respect each other. And if they are not a good example in terms of relation to the kid, they better try to live in different houses. It is more important to keep love around you and your children than to keep a social behavior. But once Goethe said: "The best thing you can do to your children is to love their mother." And I say: We don't love because of ... but despite of the faults we all make. Certainly the confidence of being love by the father will bring peace for the future adult.

Answer 6

A child must be protected at all times. A child's innocence cannot be regained. A child who loses trust in a parent will have problems the rest of their life with self-esteem and with being able to trust anyone and also give trust to anyone. Please take it from someone who was not protected by a parent and lost so much. Put your children first.

Never take chances with the emotional well-being of your children. Your child deserves to be emotionally healthy, as you do. Take care of yourself and your child by doing what will feel right as a parent.

The marriage will work out the way it should as long as you do what is best as a Father. If you make choices against your fatherly instincts everyone suffers - you, your child and your marriage.

Give you and your child peace of mind knowing you made the right choices for your child and yourself.

Answer 7

You'd best be concerned with the 12 year old. Who else can the child depend on for protection?

It sounds like the problem is with the partner, so drop the partner and care for the child! The child will always be yours, the marriage may fail no matter what you try to do for it.

I grew up in foster care, had foster children of my own and was the manager for a children's home.

Answer 8

The 12 year old. If you are just thinking about covering your butt for now, protecting your marriage is the thing to do. But, you have a 12 year old now. The life of that 12 year old can influence so many things now. what happens now can influence so many generations to come. The child is old enough to have formed many opinions, not all of which may be right according to you. Think of the future! Good Luck & Blessings

Answer 9

If a man is in a right relationship, GOD, Wife, children, job, etc., ........himself last, there are usually no problems with that equation. BUT wife doesnt have a right relationship, or has mental problems, he needs to seek professional help, not abandon his wife.

12 year olds are in direct competition with their Mom for emotional support from their Dad, even when it IS their Mom, when its someone else it could be a rough ride of lies and deceit.

In your particular situation - you are not 12 but only a few years from college.

This question seems like its more the latter. If you are in that situation where you have a step mom from Hades the best defense is a good offense -always be polite and considerate towards her and make "special" time just for you and your Dad. Eventually, you will grow up, go to college and see them 6 times a year.

If you are in a real painful situation you need to keep a journal with photos whenver possible so you can go to the police with real evidence and avoid any situation that could pose a conflict. If you go to your councellor at school they will most likely call CPS and you will be removed from your home, while she is arrested, arraigned and forced to live elswhere until a hearing date.

BUT, if you are like a young girl that I know, who lied about it, you will immediately regret it. The pain caused to her parents was irreparable and she went down a VERY dark road.

I'm hoping that you have an honest relationship with your Dad or someone else in your family that could give a presence for direction. At 15 there is a lot going on right now for you, while you should be concentrating on LSAT and PSAT you are having to deal with a parent that needs professional help. I hope there is more going on in your life besides emotional conflict.

OK- well - I go back to in a few years you will hopefully be in college somewhere, try to avoid conflict so that you can get through the next few years, get professional counselling so you can have a shot at relieving the emotional distress that you've been bearing for 5 years now. Your Mom is NOT the only one who needs help, so does your DAD. Go talk with your school counsellor about how you can graduate early and get scholarships for a college as far away as possible. It could take ten years for you to overcome the situation you have had to grow up in. Maybe when you are 25 you will be able to talk with your Dad about the dissapointments and reconcile - right now you have to make plans for your future - no one else is- so its up to you to concentrate on what you want for yourself - big picture - not little picture ie. you hate your parents and they should be locked up. Utilize your time focusing on what YOU want to do with YOUR life and set goals for yourself. You can join an ALANON group for support through almost every local church and get some FEMALE mentoring. By getting involved in your desires you will meet and make friends - hopefully some that you can spend more time with than at home. I highly encourage journalling because it gives you voice that you need to spill out so you can control your own emotions in what appears to be a volitile environment. I will pray for you. God can give you the strength to get through anything.

Answer 10

To some, it would depend on which came first the daughter or the marriage and if the daughter is his biologically.

Me I would say that he ( the father ) has an obligation to both and should be worried about both. If you are in danger then he should be concerned about getting you in a safer place. Then work on the marriage.
dm

Answer 11

Both are very equal. By having a good married life he is setting a great example for his child. Protecting the child helps his marriage also, it shown how caring and giving he is.