My husband was out of town and I was at work and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law showed up at our house without calling first. My husband gave them the code to get in the house and did not let me know. I found a note when I got home, which is how I found out, that said "hope you didn't mind, we took a tour of the house. Bob gave us the code."
He doesn't understand why I'm upset. Am I wrong to be upset?
2007-10-08 15:19:43 · 45 answers · asked by sassyquietwoman 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Good manners have been breached so many ways it's hard to count them all.
In-laws, or anyone else for that matter, should never come over without calling first.
No one, who doesn't live there, should enter your home without your express knowledge.
Your husband should never give the security code to anyone without your knowledge and approval. To do so is to grant a license to invade your privacy--unthinkable!
If there was any doubt that you'd mind, your MIL should never have entered. A note that she hopes you don't mind does NOT suffice.
It is not enough that they came into your home unannounced and uninvited and without anyone there, they then "toured" your home? One can only assume that someone as oblivious to common courtesies as she apparently is would feel no restrictions as to the extent of her tour and would feel free to investigate all rooms, and perhaps closets, cabinets and drawers, as well.
That you have not done bodily harm, first to your husband, then to your MIL and SIL, speaks to your upbringing--as a lady with good manners.
I trust that you will have a new security code immediately and that your husband will never be so foolish as to wantonly give it out again.
2007-10-08 16:04:40 · answer #1 · answered by lfh1213 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Nope, your not wrong and you would be upset if it was any family member who toOK a tour when you were not home so this is not about because it was his mother. On the same note, your husband gave the ok so in there eyes they did nothing wrong. Change the code and tell your husband to stop giving it out as what is the point of an alarm if everyone has the code.
2007-10-09 06:38:02 · answer #2 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bob cannot understand why you are upset...!!?? My goodness....... as someone else said, he needs a spoonful of his own medicine then!! You could probably give him some of those examples to see how he'd feel if you gave someone of YOUR family access to HIS private stuff without even notifying him...... let's see how he'd like that. I would be more than pissed if my lover had done such thing...... Of course your in-laws were very disrespectful as well, because no matter whether your husband gave them the code or not, they should have never BROKEN into your house (even if they had the means to enter "legally") without you being there. It's called basic respect..... I wonder what their reaction would have been had you done the same thing with your husband's approval BUT without theirs. That house belongs to the 2 of you and all the "internal" decisions should be also made by the 2 of you. Totally wrong from his side to have done this....... I hope he gets to read some of these answers and maybe he'll wonder why EVERYONE says he was wrong and he's the only one who "can't understand" why you're upset.....
2007-10-09 03:38:58 · answer #3 · answered by Lprod 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are NOT WRONG to be upset. Your husband gave away "private" information which can compromise the security of your home. You will have to change the codes now so your in-laws cannot access your home any longer. Doesn't your system have a secondary code system to give to "service people" and such? This is the code that should have been given to your inlaws.
What should have happened is that your husband should have called YOU to clear it with you first. He feels he "knows" his own mother and sister, and trusts them so what SHOULD be the problem. Well... it's not a matter of TRUSTING these people, it's the courtesies and respect shown to you that he messed up on.
Tell him that your (yours and your husband's, that is) home is your home JOINTLY and not separately. He has to realize that his family is now primarily YOU and him (and children?), and NOT his mother and sister. They are now secondary family. As such, they do NOT have the same rights and priviledges to your (joint) home as you (primary) family does.
Maybe you can also "couch" your upset in the way of being upset about being unable to greet your inlaws and show them around the house personnally. And maybe say that you would have preferred, maybe a chance to straighten up before they came over. These are also legitimate reasons for him to contact you first.... or at least let you know this was going to happen instead of you discovering the note.
Have a polite day.
2007-10-08 18:46:46 · answer #4 · answered by wyomugs 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would find it a bit upsetting if anyone was in my home, in-laws or not, without my knowledge when my husband and I weren't home.
It would seem a bit invasive to me for anyone to be taking a tour of my house when I wasn't there.
I can understand why you are upset, and I don't understand why your husband would have done this without talking it over with you first.
Something is wrong with the way he is communicating with you.
Your home belongs to both of you and inviting anyone should be a decision for both of you, not just one of you.
If you have a good relationship with your in-laws, do not drag them into this, he most likely told them it was fine for them to visit and "tour."
Talk this over with him in a calm manner and hopefully he will not make a unilateral decision like this again.
I do not see much sense in having a security system if anyone other than you and he have the security codes. That is a whole other topic.
Have a good day.
2007-10-08 15:30:36 · answer #5 · answered by Sue F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No you're not wrong to be upset. That's just unbelievable that he would give the security code to his mother and sister-----without telling his wife. What....they can come and go in your home whenever they please? That's disgraceful. He should have discussed that with you first. He doesn't understand why you're upset? I say that's bullshi@. He probably knew you would object, and rightly so. He gave them the key to your house. You should get the code changed. That's what I'd do.
I hope you didn't marry a mama's boy without a spine.
2007-10-08 16:28:06 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you most certainly do. Would he want your folks to do the same with him when you aren't home. Your home is your castle, and a private place. That's why laws are there to keep intruders out. By giving them the key/code he said that they matter more than you and he do.
When I visited my husband before we married, I heard noises in the living room. His daughter had come over, made coffee and made herself at home until I woke up. Needless to say, I was angry, hurt and disappointed in both of their behaviors. No mature adult would behave in such a way. I immediately asked her for the key to the house when we married; she was angry, but I had my privacy. He should have handled it, but sadly, he "didn't want to hurt her feelings." Never mind about mine, I guess. So, because this was between her and I I took the initive to take care of my space. Boundaries are a very important issues with many people. If in doubt,as to where she ends and you start, buy a book on boundaries, and you will see how many people cross boundaries with no idea of the damage being done.
It sounds like you married a 'mommy's boy.' Take care of it now ... your needs versus his needs, or this will develop into a resentment and a very lousy marriage. He may get mad, but oh, well, Life happens. He may not like conflict, but life is full of conflicts. Best he start at home to know how to deal with them.
I live with the saying: "I don't know what the secret to success is, but I know the way to failure, and that is to try to please everybody." Good luck and hopefully your husband doesn't want to be a failure by pleasing the wrong people.
2007-10-08 15:29:54 · answer #7 · answered by dutchlady 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have every right to be hopping mad!
You need to first, cool down, then have a good talk with your husband. Ask him how he'd feel if you did the same thing with your parents, and had not informed him.
I would also change the code today, and let your husband know this code does NOT go out to anybody, unless you both agree.
2007-10-08 16:45:29 · answer #8 · answered by Cat Lady 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No you are not wrong, I most definitely would be. I don't want anyone roaming around my house when I am not there. First I would be upset at hubby for giving the code and then at dear in-laws for going into the house with no 1 there. I would feel uncomfortable going into an unoccupied house, even if it is relatives.
2007-10-08 15:23:54 · answer #9 · answered by laney a 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Even though they are family I think it is very, very rude for anybody to do that. Your husband should know better. What if the house was a mess, what if you just didn't want company at that time. No body should visit unless calling first. That is one of my pet peeves. And taking a tour of the house? What nerve. Your home is your personal space.
2007-10-08 15:42:23 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋