having issues over my Mother who is going to die soon?

Question

Im feeling so wierd lately, My mother is on lots of meds and since she came home from the hospital she has not been the same. She knows the doctor is giving her six months at the latest to live. Her heart, kidneys, and lungs are failing. In the meantime I work fulltime and feel so guilty that I cannot be there all the time. I come to work thinking about my mom and my dad who is also not that healthy thinking that they are going to fall or set the house on fire. I can't afford to quit my job to be with them all the time. I go after work alot and on the weekends, Also my daughter who is in her last month of preg. is there alot. What I want to ask is my mother is not my mother anymore, she is hateful and mean and wants to die all the time. I know that I should want to be with her but ....it's really hard and of course I feel guilty as heck. I hate the way I feel and I need to stop it and quit thinking about myself and think of her. Does anybody have any advice for me? I need it.

Answer 1

My first thought is to call her doctor and tell her/him about the personality change. And ask about hospice. She may need a med change, an antidepressant and perhaps spiritual support. Hospice care is great and they can talk with you if you ask for help. Our hospice coordinator told me that the caregiver usually gives out before the patient because it is so taxing. This is hard on your Dad, too. Consider getting him out of the house for a while: you both need a hug.

You may find that the meanness and wanting to die are a normal phase. Are you familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' work: Stages of death and dying? shock. denial. anger. bargaining. acceptance. (I may have missed one, check it out) It is normal to cycle through the different stages. Isn't it Ok that she wants to die? When she says that, say, I know, and its going to happen. What should we do about it?

I took care of my Mom when she was terminally ill with cancer. Even though I was there all the time, I still couldn't do enough (in my mind or my siblings' minds) so either way - you're gonna think about it all the time. My Mom was very independent, so I made sure she felt in control (even tho you can't control death). I smiled and said "You get to boss me." I asked her everyday what she wanted, if she wanted to go anywhere, what she wanted to eat, etc. and I'd do my best to make it happen for her. I'd rub her feet, give her a pedicure, bring her movies and books, make her laugh, bring people in and keep them out. I started a journal for visitors to leave notes --she loved it; and I still have it.

If after you call the doctor and you rule out a medical reason for the meanness, it is perfectly ok to say to her: I understand that you are angry, upset. I don't blame you. I'd be mad, too, if I was dying. Are you in pain and it makes you grumpy? (If she is taking meds for pain it is critical to take them as prescribed and not wait for the pain to breakthrough before taking another pill.) Do you want to talk about it? Acknowledge her feelings and LISTEN. After that, you can say, You've been mean to me and I don't want you to do that. Let me help you. I'm here because I love you. etc.

Once or twice, gently, I said to Mom: "Hey, you're being grumpy. What's going on? What do you need? It's ok to be grumpy if you wanna be grumpy for a while; but if you need something, you need to let me know. OK? My Mom didn't want to spend her last days being a grump. Just acknowledging her emotions was enough to be ok with it.
Works everytime. If she was worried about something, I'd listen to the end then say, Well, what can we do about it? Usually she'd say she didn't know. I'd say I didn't know either. If you think of something, let me know. If we have the power to fix it, we will. If we don't, then it is out of our hands.
Sometimes just being there in the moment, calm and quiet is all it takes.

Death is hard --- for you, her and everyone. Honest acknowledgement of the feelings and process. A bit of surrender. She's not mad at you. Or if she is, let her tell you about it so you can deal with it, so you can appreciate and cherish this time. When it's all over, you won't regret a moment of time you had with her. That's it. That's all you get. She is still your Mom; but she needs a little "Mothering". But don't tell her that.

So, don't take her anger personally. She deserves some anger. Get to the bottom of it (gently) so you can enjoy the rest of the time you have together. Take care of you, too. Ask for help. Love. Peace.

Answer 2

(((((Shawnie))))),

You are on system over-load, especially in the emotions and stressful changes department. Your Mom doesn't have long to live, your father is not very healthy, and a little grandchild is about to come into your life.

My advice is to somehow find a little time in the day just for you. A half hour listening to your fav. music or embroidering or some such.

Your Mom may be reacting to the side effects of the meds, the pain of her failing heart, kidney and lungs, and her own anger about her situation. You're right to think that she's not really being herself. Maybe her doctor can prescribe something to calm her or an antidepressant?

There are hospices that have volunteers who visit people like your Mom, either to keep an eye while you're at work or to give you a break once in a while. Ask at your church. Or do a computer search on Hospice along with the name of your city. Your biggest need is right now for the next few months.

Keep asking on Yahoo!Answers. There's a good group of folks here who support and listen and give a little hug once in a while.

LindaLou

Answer 3

There are major issues going on with your family about control. Couples do not normally make wills that include guardianship when there are no children ; I am not certain it would be considered binding. People change, lives change, circumstances change ; that is why people review their wills annually. If your mother-in-law has emotional/psychiatric problems, you need to have them documented. A record of misconduct would be valuable in a courtroom. In writing, it seems to me (as an objective observer) that you are angry. If that is the way your will appears to a judge, your motivations will be questioned. If you REALLY want to make a case for your parents and against your mother-in-law, you should suggest having the 5 of you appear before a mediator, or a family counselor, and make an attempt to resolve the problems. If your mother-in-law will not participate, you need to document it. I do not know what state you are in, but since you do have some savings, I recommend you see an attorney who specializes in Probate issues. It is worth the professional advice. Good Luck !

Answer 4

I am sorry to hear all the anguish you are going through. It is NOT easy when parents become ill, my husband lost his Dad and Mom 4 years apart, his Dad w/ in he hospital most of the time and my husband was working but when his Mom was dyeing he as unemployed so he looked after her all day for 2 years. Like your Mom, his Mom was hateful and mean too and never liked me but for him I bit the bullet and stayed with her when she spent her last several months in the hospital as she was dyeing.
Do you have any siblings or friends that can help you besides your daughter who's expecting? Is there anyway your Mom's insurance company can provide her a F/T live in nurse? Also if your Dad is on the same insurance perhaps they can have one nurse be there for the 2 of them, maybe call her insurance company and find out. I know you'd feel guilty if you'd put her and your Dad in a nursing home , I know I would but my husband's Mom in the last few months had to go to one and she ended up in the hospital anyway cause she got a lot worse and my husband was not a professional nurse and he slept 2 hours a night if he was lucky .He felt horrible but she needed professional care.
God Bless You!

Answer 5

Hi Shawnie
Far be it to give a woman advice, yet a complicated one.
Sounds like , just maybe , the Shawnie gal is tapped out.

Linda Lou has a lot of caring and considerate insights: So true that few pass as though a movie or well thought out novel.
Drugs, low oxygen levels , fatigue, and delirium leave us all just a shell of who we once were . There are few exceptions but you have a daughter, likely observing how you respond to your Mother and she may just respond to her mother in like fashion.

Charity and forgiveness seem to be those human virtues that we all expect/need but are least inclined to bestow. It is often said that our character shows through in the face of adversity.
It may be imortant, at this juncture, that you be supportive to your Parentsand Daughter even though you don't feel like it: This with the understanding that your mother has little control over who she is or how she feels.

Every health care institution that I am aware of has well established grief support mechanisms as well as the hospice supports that Linda Lou suggests: If fiancially possible, you are, in great likely hood, benefit of the Medical Family Act to help to devote more time to Parents. ( and spend time with Your grand-child).

Not that You should ignore Shawnie's needs either. Just a matter of establishing priorities but then, times may be changing...........I could make a guess that Your Mother spent some sleepless nights, up with her Shawnie, when she wasn't quite feeling like herslf.

Take Care

Answer 6

Relax and be good to yourself 1st. Then decide what you want to do for your mother. You cannot cure her ills, and you cannot make her better. Maybe its time to ask her if she would like hospice. They can help you deal with the feelings you are having and help your mother pass pain free and with peace.
After your mother is long gone, you are still going to be here and life will go on without her. Just make whatever time she has left peaceful if you can and if you cant, dont beat yourself up over it. Be good to yourself 1st.

Answer 7

i lost my mother 2 years ago she was only 59 although our circumstances are different i do understand what ur feeling.s there any way that u can find a in home care giver for ur mum and dad?and if u have the need to talk to someone about all this please seek some type of good supportive councelling.i wish u all the best