Mother in Law moves into our First House?

Question

Hello Good Day.
So I see that many woman/Men have problems with there IN LAWS. Well I am one added on to the list I have had it with my mother in law already and cant not find a way to tell my Finacee. I would not say he is a mama's boys but he is really tight with his mother for "Reasons" he has mentioned before but WHAT EVER SHE PUT HIM IN THAT SITUATION and she is giving the world for her MISTAKES.. But my Finacee is a really hard person to talk to if it is not a problem for him then there is no problem. However My mother in law moved in with in our FIRST home ever and it is my fiancee falut as he promised her "AS A KID" he would always buy mommy a house ok I can respect but like for real if you were alone not moving in with a Finacee or wife, NO we are trying ti have kids etc and She will be there no way. I need to find a way to tell him all the crap she talks about me, how two face she is, How she is always sayign something under her breathe when he is not around. ALL THE LIES ..

OK guys thank you so much for all the help but I wish it was that easy. I have been with this Man for 13 years and we have gotten Engaged 7 years ago but broke up for a real long time adn got back together made things work out. things have been going great with us, however I did hold back for a while because of all the drama that was coming with hsi baggage. I didn not mention that his father came alone as well (But there is no Problem with him other than being old) Now her she is not even 50 yet and she moved her 18 year old into OUR house with His wife and get this KID. So I have a HEAVY HEAVY HEAVY LOAD on my lap and dont know how to reach out to my man and be like look I swallowed the whole In law thing but now we have a refugee camp in our house. Like weekends are always on a GO GO GO basis and I can never have a conversation with him and her not asking what oh just answering. Why do Sons have to be so attached to MOMMY for . Like I love my moms to death but does not mean MOVE IN.

Answer 1

I know EXACTLY what you mean. It's kind of creepy.

I totally empathize. You are caught between your fiancee's loyalty to his mom, and the fresh, married life you want to start with your fiancee. Being truthful, there is no clean cut solution to the situation, and you will either sacrifice YOUR happiness and deal with the situation, making your MIL think that she can walk all over you in your house; or, YOU can make the decision of what you can and can't live with.

For instance- "Honey, I respect and appreciate that you love your mother, but I think we need to look at having a place of our own. We work really hard to provide a comfortable life, and I think that we deserve to live our life our way. Let's rent this house out to your mother (and whomever else) so they can have a nice place to stay, and we can buy a home that will fit both of our needs". There you go. That's the diplomatic way of handling it.

OR......"No more sex until your mother is gone." That will also tell you where your relationship is, because if he's not willing to cave into that, you'd better run for the hills.

Hope that helps. :)

Answer 2

First of all, you have learned an important lesson. In a relationship, both of you should have a say so and input in any major decisions. Your MIL moving in was a major decision and it sounds like you weren't consulted at all. Warning sign #1. So you need to talk to him about all major decisions needing to be discussed and agree upon.

Secondly, the lesson is that living with relatives just doesn't work. Loaning money, working with relatives etc.. also doesn't work. So if you get this dealt with, make that a rule in your house.

Thirdly, your husband should stand up for you if his Mom is being disrespectful but since he isn't, you need to stand up for yourself. (I understand she is his mother and he owes her allot but he is an adult and also has a responsibility to you and your relationship.) Don't wait until you explode and loose your temper either. It will only look bad on you and make your husband believe it is you and not his Mother.
Instead handle each little thing as it happens. Don't be rude, tacky, loud or ugly. Just tell her things like: "I'd appreciate it if you did or didn't...," "I really don't think it is necessary or appropriate to...," If she says something under her breath don't be afraid to say, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Can you repeat that please?" etc.., Don't let her think she has it over on you.

Answer 3

You don't find a way to tell him you just do it and do it soon. It would be best if the three of you sat down and got everything out in the open. That way there is no secrets. It is fine for generations to live together but maybe she should wait for a few months to give you time to adjust. Whatever you do talk it over with him because secrets are a bad way to start out.

Answer 4

No, no , no! Never let in laws take over your home and life. I let a homeless kid stay here over night and it turned into him sleeping in our downstairs rec room for a year . People with problems need professional therapists and they do not need helpful crazy family or in my case a patsy. I took this kid all over the place looking for jobs, we feed him, paid for his bills and he brought cockroaches in some of his bags . I had to pay for an exterminator. As for family, the Bible says the man leaves his family and leaves and cleaves to his wife. This book has some useful information in it even if you are not a believer. There is a reason for this. You have enough trouble in life without having theirs to compound your own relationship. My mil died a year ago next week. I cared for her with my spouse in her home but let me tell you this year has been far more peaceful. She also wanted something and really she gave us things but she still cracked a whip. Run and hide . Tell her anything to keep her away. I wish you the very best. We all deserve a little cave that is our very own to feel safe. My spouse misses Mom but said the same thing about the peace and relief at not having to dance to her tune anymore. This sounds callous but she was in her late eighties and died easily in her sleep with very little suffering. Good luck!

Answer 5

Thank goodness you have had this happen before you are married, and have children! She has moved in, and will be difficult to move. I advise you to do a runner, and find a man who will treat you with respect, and has a mother who is enjoying living independently

Answer 6

First, he is a momma's boy. Since you say he is your fiance I would give some serious thought before marrying him. You will be dealing with her for the length of the marriage. The good news is, I doubt it will last too long with this kind of pressure on it.

Answer 7

you better have that told with him asap.. this is not going to work out.. and most times dont unless the in law or your mother is sick and cant take care of them self.. thats a different story.. but just to move in is a no no and with you having these feeling you sure dont want to bring kids into this just yet.. you have to convince him to get her her own place. if there are stings attached to this marriage you might want to rethink if you want to marry him and his baggage

Answer 8

No winning here--

But there is only one thing to do.. pack a bag, set it by the door..tell the fiance" Either she goes or I go, theres my bag, you've got 1 week...."

If he doesn't do it, go stay with a girlfriend for a week, if he still hasn't done anything, go get your stuff..
Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life, competing with"Mama".....

Answer 9

talk to him about it whether he likes it or not and then tell him it's either you or her........that's a bad situation, and he's not only buying her a house, but technically it's not her house it's you and your fiance's so that defeats the purpose.

also let him know it is his problem because it's going to effect you and him if things don't change!

Answer 10

I think that you are dreaming if you seriously think that you are going to change your fiance's mind about his mother. Find a new man - one who is not quite to oblivious to what you want and what you need!