Best Joke wins 10 points?

Question

Want 10 points, want to just tell a joke, well whoever makes me laugh the hardest will be given ten points, are you funny enough?

(I asked in this section because the population is much bigger)
Jokes can be offensive, just not really really offensive, and keep it friendly people

Answer 1

A man was going out of town,and he didn't want his wife to cheat on him,so he goes to an adult novelty store to ensure his relationship's safety. He walked up to the owner and asked for the best toy that they had. The owner said,"ok,I have one...but its kind of...erm...expensive."
"Try me", the man said.
So the owner shows him a box,and opens it to show off this ordinary look vibrator.
"voodoo dildo,doorknob!",the owner said. The toy flew across the room and began to hammer at the door. "voodoo
dildo,BOX!" The toy flew into its box and turned off.
The man paid for it,and took it to his wife. After he left,his wife tried it. It worked wonderfully but unfortunately,she forgot how to turn it off. She decided to go to the emergency room.
A cop pulled her over on the way,and asked her why she was swerving. She told him her story.
The cop laughed at her,and wrote her a ticket.
The cop said to the woman with a grin,"haha,thats just great. Voodoo dildo my a s s!"

Answer 2

DEAR DIARY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any. Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden. I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten. Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose. Joke Num 2- What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell she has a grenade in her mouth. What's the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde? There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot. What did the blonde say after her doctor told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. ________________________________________... A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell." "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." They went outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette. The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid." "No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

Answer 3

'The Army of the Lord'

A man was leaving church one day. The pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation.

The pastor grasped the man by the hand, pulled him aside, and said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the Secret Service."

Answer 4

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

Answer 5

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.

Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.

Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.

About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.

"Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?" God queried.

"Hell yes, I remember!" Said the devil.

"Well, Saint Peter missed that man's name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they're on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS." God exclaimed!

"I'll be damned if your going to get that engineer back. He's put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS!" said the devil.

"Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don't send that engineer back right away I believe I'll have to sue you!!!" shouted God!!
"And just where do you think you'll get an attorney?" replied the devil!!!!!

EDIT- LOL @ Loriel. Everytime John Kerry was on T.V. , my hubby would deadpan "Hey John, why the long face?". It never failed to crack me up.

Answer 6

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this, to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde, with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend , there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

Answer 7

What's the difference between a Catholic and a catheter?

One's full of p*ss and the other's full of sh*t.

Answer 8

A man and his wife go the doctors. the man goes in to see the doctor and comes out again 10 mins later. he says to his wife, "he wants to see you, dear." so the wife goes in and the doctor says to her, "mrs. smith, I'm afraid your husband is very ill. Please make sure you don't stress him out, always make him a good packed lunch to take to work, don't bother him with your problems and NEVER argue with him or he could die" so the wife says, "ok, doctor. I understand."
She goes back out to the waiting room, where her husband is and the husband looks at her and says, "well, why did he want to speak to you?"
His wife answers, "he just told me you are going to die."

Answer 9

Ok...u asked for it...

There's these three guys walking on the beach, a Mexican, a white guy, and a black guy. They find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "You can wish for whatever you want." So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof. It's done. Then he says to the black guy, "What do you want?" and the black guy says, "I want all my black brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in Africa. So...he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the Mexicans and blacks are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."

Answer 10

The Creation Museum