What can I do about my family?

Question

I'm a college student and my sister (in her 30s) has 3 kids, making me an uncle. My family expects me to help raise her kids almost. My sister married into a family that is directly opposite to my immediate family. I am usually a quiet, mature, intelligent person, while my sister and the rest of her new family is just the opposite. The parents dont live up to their promises and dont let their children hang out with other kids their age for w/e reason, so I'm stuck being their best friends. Due to limited words to type here, parents are basically horrible. These nephews are 5,7,9 yrs old. I'm 19 yrs old and I commute to college so I'm living at home to save money and I dont have a choice really. If I ever give constructive criticism of any kind, the parents reject it and doubt that they could ever possibly be bad parents or make 1 wrong move. When they happens, my sister blames it on my mom b/c im living at home. My sister doesnt think I can speak for my own part. Need more room to type

I'm nearly forced to raise my nephews without any say as how to raise them b/c then my sister would get mad at my mom, who did not do anything wrong. My sisters family buys new cars and other expensive items, then realize a year later they are in financial debt. Dumb people really do have more kids, bringing down the avg IQ of America, its sad. My family expects me to raise her children, which is absurd. I didn't choose to have sex and marry into family polar to mine, so why should I have to raise her kids? Also, she helped raise me and my brother when we were 5-10 yrs old so I think she expects us to do the same for her, like we signed a contract at age 3. I am usually good with kids, but its the fact that I have no say in giving these kids my views, and that they are polar opposite to my family, is what is so hard. I am mature,intelligent,quiet, while their family is opposite, dunno if i said that already. My sister is trying to have a 4th kid, despite being in debt/not raising kids.

Answer 1

I'm not sure what you mean by being expected to "raise" their children. Do they leave you to babysit on a regular basis? or Do you just try to correct what you see as bad parenting because of your concern? If it is the former, then you need to draw the line. Tell your sister that when the children are in your charge, you will discipline them how you see fit, and if she doesn't trust you to do so, then she shouldn't leave them with you any longer. If it is the latter, just keep your mouth shut. It's really none of your business. If they don't ask for your "constructive criticism" keep it to yourself.

Answer 2

Wow it seems like theire is alot going on!

I can also sense that you are bitter about this situation.

Ok, lets see your sister had a part in raising you, for whatever reasons she was there for you, so much like a parent you must treat her with dignity and respect, even if you don't agree with her choices.

With that said, i agree with you, her kids and wrong choices are NOT your resposibility, therefore should not be impossed on you.
If your mother chooses to help her again , that is Her personal choice.

Now it also seems that you two are very different , and also different in your views.
So, my suggestion is family is very important, as is support, ease off on her a little , and don't throw around advice unless it has been asked for ( this can create tension.)

Make it a very clear point that you need to focus on school. Maybe even make your slef a little less available by taking up more activities, clubs, sports , work, etc.

Next set a day of the week that works out for you, and dedicate it to your nephews, for a few hours, maybe a movie , or a trip to the park.
This will help her inmensly, and bond you to your nephews.
Listen when she wants you around them it is because she sees in you qualities that she wants rubbed off on her kids! So feel flattered.
Also let her know to what level of resposibility you can handle, so that there is a clear understanding between the two of you.

If worse comes to worse and none of this helps, then it may be time to make some difficult adult decisions like, maybe it's time to move out!
Find a place to share with a room mate, get a full time job, an become more independent so that their issues do not directly affect you, and you can find some peace.

Good luck uncle ! ( :

Answer 3

You are being dumped on. It sounds like a plot to get you out of an already crowded house, and unfortunately, that is about what it is going to take to get some peace and quiet.

In the meantime, see where all else you can go to do your studies... use the computer lab or library at the college to do your studies, or go to a friend's house to study. The less time you are at home, the better.

Before next semester, rearrange your schedule to allow for a part-time or full-time job so you can start banking some savings. You need to come up with a budget. As soon as you can, go through the Student Union to find some room-mates to share an apartment. 3 guys splitting a 3 bedroom apartment can live pretty cheap, and it will be a lot more peaceful. You can put a keyed lock on your bedroom door to keep the other guys out of your stuff.

Answer 4

Since you have limited space, I will say that your post is very disjointed. You say your sister doesn't live up to her promises...ok, like what? WHY aren't they doing so? Are they lazy, or do they have to work to support their children? IF you are living with them, are you paying rent (this part of your post is very unclear) if not, then perhaps they expect you to help with the kids and around the house in lieu of payment. You say they are horrible...how? There is a difference between being a horrible parent and being lazy. As to your constructive criticism....that depends. YOU have no kids of your own, and while you say you help...unless they are YOURS, they are looking at you as the Uncle, and wondering where you get off telling them what to do. It could be how you phrase it.

EDITED: Since you added some more information: Let me say this...MOST people are in debt! Do they own a home? Is that what you consider debt, or are they living off credit cards? You complain they are dumb, but please look at your own post. The punctuation is horrible, the post is disjointed, etc. Her being different from you is not he point, YOU don't want to be a babysitter, and are turning this into something it doesn't need to be...unless you are a mute...TALK to her and tell her this is what you can and can't do, and stick to it. she is taking advantage of you because you are letting her, sorry, if you are going to be a doormat, I don't feel sorry for ya.

Answer 5

Be very quiet, let them all do their thing. As soon as you can, get a job and leave home. Do not give them your new address. In fact, it would be best to move out of town or state.

It is NOT up to you to take care of those kids. They are just using you because you are there. As for now.....do not rock the boat. But leave as soon as you can.

Answer 6

Those kids are NOT your responsibility. For goodness sakes you are 19 and going to college. She is the one who had them and should be the one to take care of them. I would spend as much time away from the house as possible. Study in the library, hang out with friends, etc. You should not feel guilty. It is not your problem. Hide in your room. You are going to have to let them deal with it and remove yourself from the situation. They are wrong to put it on you. Only you can change that. You shouldn't be the one paying for their lack of responsibility.