Self-invite relative?

Question

I know it sounds mean but I have a self-invite relative. She is my dads sister and she is divorced. The rest of our family, including her children are in another country so technically, we are the only family she has here. Anyway, about 7 years ago when we just moved into this house, we invited her over for sunday lunch...a couple of times. So after like a month of inviting her, she started coming over on sundays as if it were a regular thing. Not only having lunch but staying till about 9-10pm. She watches tv, uses our internet(since she has dial up and ours is dsl/broadband) and she even naps with us. We turn on the airconditioning on in one room and sleep there. We don't turn on the fan as it gets air from a warm area and spreads warm air. We've told her about the fan so many times but she still does it. Sometimes, i devise little plans like hiding the fan but she still finds a way to get one.....
to be continued....

anyway, we can't go out on sundays because she always comes. and when we do get the chance to go out we have to tell her and sometimes she has lunch at our house even if we aren't there. One time I got so pissed at her because we are all dieting here and we cook brown rice. She doesn't eat brown rice and we just forgot to cook the white rice. She demanded that we cook the white rice! My mom feels invaded as she stays so long, dictates to us what channel to watch and treats our household staff like her own servants. She even kicks my brother and me out of our regular chairs at the table. First come first serve doesn't work for her. Also she is very nervous and she annoys us with her "surprised" reactions when like a spoon falls and stuff, she reacts like there was a car crash or something. She tells us a lot of stories about herself, like we really want to know....to be continued....

My mom is a very busy person and instead of resting on sundays, she slaves in the kitchen to make sure that the menu suites my aunts palette. I don't want to sound mean but we feel really forced and invaded. Sometimes I get the feeling that the only reason she comes here is to save on food as she is VERY VERY frugal(keeps chocolate for 2 years in fridge) because she won't have to buy or cook food. There are other days of the week that she calls 5 minutes before she arrives to say that she is in the area and is having dinner/lunch with us. And those are the days when are menu is not that impressive but more of nutritious and filling. If we just tell her not to be a self-invite even in the politest way she will take it against us and tell the rest of our family that she is not coming over coz we told her not to.How do I deal with her annoying antics and boring stories?How do we avoid her from self inviting?

We occasionally have other guests over and relatives and friends but it doesn't stop her from coming.

Answer 1

No.

No "to be continued" allowed.

Assemble your details, and put them in one question.

There are millions of users and hundreds of questions posted to this site every minute. If you want help, you have to tell us what we need to know.

Remove this and however many other parts are in this question, condense what you have to say to fit the room you have to say it, and ask your question.

Your choices, as I see them, are: Have a heart-to-heart where you explain that, although you enjoy having her over, you need your time to yourself sometimes. Then make sure you invite her, say once a month.

Live with the situation as is.

Be gone a few Sundays.

Greet her at the door with "Oh! I'm sorry, but this isn't a good time to visit. I'll talk to you soon." and gently close the door.

Answer 2

Goodness! Why have you let this continue so long? The solution is simple:

Call her today and tell her that your family has plans to go to "wherever" on Sunday. If you think she might try to go with you, either make it someplace very expensive or somewhere that is by invitation and she hasn't been invited and you won't be welcomed to take a "guest". The following week, tell her that you are going to the museum (or wherever) and invite her to go, or tell her that you'll be home from 5 to 7, but that you have dinner plans at 7:30. She can come over, but you'll need to have her leave in time for you to go out. The following week, don't be available.

You get the picture. Don't be available and if you are, put strict limits on how available you'll be. That puts her back into "invitation mode" and lets you have control of your lives again.

Now, it may require that you actually go out in order to get things started. If it took a month of invitations to fall into this unfortunate routine, it should take about the same time to get it broken. So start making Sunday plans. Be firm.

Answer 3

Make a point of inviting some friends next Sunday. This will break the routine. Alternatively, arrange to go off somewhere for the day. Explain to auntie that you do have a life of your own and that it's very kind of her to take such an interest in you, but it's becoming a strain. Suggest that perhaps it would be easier if you took the initiative in inviting her in future. You might even consider arranging a regular Sunday evening slot away from home, so that there is never any question of her staying as late as she does.
She may, of course, be hurt by this, but you can't carry on like this, as she will really get under your skin and you'll end up having a row....or a nervous breakdown.

Answer 4

I certainly understand and empathize with you. Your walk-in guest needs to find another place to "hang out" on Sundays....and so do you! Don't set yourself up anymore to be her host every week. Get out of the house on Sundays and enjoy the world. TV is not the only way to get through the weekend!!

You don't owe her any explanation or warning that you won't be home. Just go out and have fun in the fresh air or at a movie and definitely at a restaurant for lunch, right after church. If she "pops" over at lunchtime and finds the house empty, she will get the message soon enough. If she doesn't, and is arrogant enough to question you, you can sincerely answer that you went out and had fun. Keep smiling when you speak to her and you won't offend her. If she thinks you are dumping her, GOOD! You can then invite her when YOU want and not ever have to make excuses to her.

At that point, you will be in control of your own life again....right now, she controls your life.

Answer 5

I like joe_on_drums answer.
What about me, I had a neighbour who did the same to me.
When I had enough, I didn't open the door 2 times, trying not to make noise from inside. The second time she had heard noise from inside, and she had told us why we had not open the door. We had DENIED.
She tried a third time, and that was all. She had got it politely.
We still kept in good relations, but she came very rarely, and always asking if we had time for her.
Explain to your mom about your plan, and she would understand, as she is suffering too in the kitchen, and also morally.
Also put a password to your computer, and say politely you can't tell her that.
If she has your house key, you have to change the lock.
the sooner the better for you.

Answer 6

Your mom should tell her to join her children in the other country, that should be her real home, not yours. She is too lonely here. There is no way you can tell her not to self-invite without offending her. The only way to deal with it is to not be so hospitable to her. Don't let her have the house keys, take it back. Tel her it's inconvenient to have her over all the time.

Answer 7

The only thing that's MEAN is her coming over uninvited. Who's the BOSS there anyway? Who opens the door when she comes.

Look, the next time she comes uninvited, just tell her that you all have taken a vote to live your lives as you see fit, in YOUR home, as YOU see fit. (You don't need an explanation), it's YOUR HOME, you don't need her and her kids to live YOUR life.

Get a grip on yourself, it may be somewhat difficult to be frank with her the first time but remember, the longer you wait, the TOUGHER it gets.
;-)

Answer 8

I would tell her to get a job, get a life, and get out of your house. She should'nt be invading you like that. If you want to go out on Sunday lock her out of the house. If she does annything, call the police! She may be your relative. But I wouldn't care if she was my best friend, or relative, or my full blood sister, Id kick her out if she did that.

Answer 9

Just tell her how you feel about it. Don't be extremely rude, unless you have to be. Say that you have things to do, and she can't be over every single Sunday. If she doesn't like that, then you may have to get rude with her. But don't take that kind of abuse from her.

Answer 10

Believe it or not, this is YOUR fault. If you were to handle this in a straight forward adult manner, it would not occur. You need to set the boundries for your home. If you don't, then suffer.