so unhappy?

Question

my mum left wen i was 15 she told me she was leaving the week before she actually did but told me she was leaving on th 24th dec and that iwas the only 1 who new and i couldnt tell any1dad cottened on to her affair and asked her to leave anyway turns out she moved 350miles away i tried to stay in contact but everytime i did she would shout at me then she continuesly lied to me, anyway i thought to myself what would happen if i didnt contact her, that was 6 months ago and not a peep then i found out she was down this weekend and she made no attempt to contact me at all and ive found out she hade an affair before and it was with sum1 i no! im distraught that she doesnt care bought me anymore as she contacts my brother all the time im now 19 am i right to feel angry/upset or am i being childish?

Answer 1

Pinky, you have every right to be angry and hurt and upset. You have reason to be angry that she burdened you with her departure and that the remains in contact with your brother but not you.

I agree with the other mom. I can not think of a reason to not be in touch with my child. To make it more clear. If for any reason I had to leave my home/husband you had better believe my child would be coming with me or I'd fight trying.

What I want you to understand from what I just said is, your mother is not the typical mother. She is not operating under the terms that we moms generally consider. Most women are given an inborn need to protect, shelter, provide for their children. God wired us this way. We give birth and instantly become momma bears. DON'T MESS WITH OUR BABES! Your mother seems to have a wiring problem.

There is no way you can forget this but you need to get over it. Do not let her lack of mothering skills and love hinder you from having a complete and full life. You need to seek counseling. This is very important that you have someone to talk with that understands that your mother is clearly at fought. You need to let out your heartache and anguish and get a clear understanding that it is mom how is screwed up and you as a child (then 15) were not at fault. You said she was having affairs and that alone is not normal behavior.

You need to be able to work thought this so that you can have a healthy marriage and raise healthy children your self. Being a mother is the most awesome, marvelous, wonderful gift God gave us other than his Son. You should be able to grow up and realize that you can be a mom and be a wonderful one without fearing you will repeat your mom's pattern. She has serious problems.

If you can not afford to pay a counselor look for evangelical churches. They usually have staff members who are trained in just this sort of thing. Feel free to email me of you like. I'd be happy to email you any encouragement you need. I am a mom to a lovely daughter and my heart is broken thinking how you have been cheated out of a mom. Do what it takes to make yourself whole and don't worry about your mom any more. She laid the ground rules by cutting you off. You are only following her rules.

B.

Answer 2

Yes, you are right to be angry and upset and annoyed that she seems to favour your brother. But Why? You have to put it aside and find out because what you really want is your Mum to love you...
I read it that she told you because she didnt want to just up and leave you. She had to go, you may never know her reasons but she will have them and they make BIG sense to her. She loved you too much to just abandon you without a word.
She's probably guilty about what she did, to your dad, to you and the whole family. People lie a lot when they feel guilty. Its probably very complicated for her. She did wrong and maybe knows how you feel about that and avoids you because when she thinks of you its just too painful to face up to, she feels so bad she let you down. If you could get past what she did before and tell her that not seeing her is what you are mainly upset about it might be better between you two. Try and forget that she had an affair and get back your mother daughter realtionship. Write to her, tell her that what ever happened before you dont want to rake it all up, you miss her and want her back in your life. Ask your brother what sort of relationship they have, I bet he doesnt cause her to have to think about the affairs and the breakup so she finds him easier company, not that that is your fault. You just need to get her to see you need her, and dont care about the affairs. Good luck

Answer 3

That was a really low thing to do on your mother's part. She had no right telling you that she was leaving and to then tell you you were the only one who knew. I understand why you are hurt that she does not bother with you but she is in the wrong here, not you. She has acted like a child and has not even bothered to maintain a civil relationship with you. She does not deserve to have you as a child and I think the only thing you can do is get on with your own life. How is your relationship with your dad? Can you maybe throw your energy into him and university? She is the one loosing out here honey, as she is missing out on a great time with you. Just remember, this is not about you being a bad person, this is about her being selfish and childish.

Answer 4

Of course it's perfectly natural to be angry and upset that your mother doesn't maintain any contact.

But, that said, the real question is how do you move on and live your life, and not let this bring you down?

After all, she's what she is, you can't change that. You need to find a way to get over this. Consider finding a counselor or group that you can use to help you.

You don't need her any more; the sooner you deal with your feelings about her and learn to cope, the longer the Rest of Your Life will be.

Answer 5

you have a right to be upset but you have to realize that she may see you as competition rather than a daughter. you have to tell yourself that there will always be inconsiderate people in this world that use others and she is one of them. She may even be contacting your brother to pump him for information about you and your dad and doesn't contact you because she feels you are too smart for that to work with you. Just go on with your life and remember that she is an example of the things that you do not want to do in life so that you don't leave a daughter behind somewhere who will feel as you do now!
Think of her as a disease that you do not want to catch and be happy with your dad and perhaps even hope he will find someone else more faithful to give him the love he deserves and be the mother to you that you deserve.

Answer 6

Of course you have the right to feel angry and upset.

People usually have reasons for the way they behave and one day you might find out your mum's reasons. I'm sure it's not because she doesn't care and you'll find out it is something else. Maybe she's putting off seeing you because she doesn't know how to explain what happened.

Try to be open to forgiving her when the time comes and never think that the way she is acting is somehow your fault. Children are never the blame in these circumstances.

Answer 7

You have every right to be upset and angry but don't get bitter and dwell on it. Move on with your life and try to put this at the back of your mind. Your mother will be feeling very guilty and will eventually get in contact with you. If you carry on being angry when she does contact you you'll probably reject her. She may have, what she thinks are, good reasons for her behaviour at this time. Have patience she will return to you but might be later rather than sooner.

Answer 8

I'm sorry she is acting this way. It is ok for you to have all kinds of feelings about the situation. I guess as much as it hurts you should try moving on without her. And if she ever does come to relize what she has done she may contact you. And it will be on your terms. My dad is really self-centered like that.. Not thinking about his actions and how it will affect other people before he does things. If you ask me I find it very childish on their part. Good Luck and I hope everything turns out ok in the end!!

Answer 9

First, what's childish is your lack of punctuation in that question. It's hard to discern exactly what you're saying in it?

If I'm getting the story straight, your father had an affair, and your mother decided to leave, but left you and your brother with her cheating husband (which seems very odd to me, but, whatever). She meanwhile, had an affair with someone you know (I hope it wasn't one of your friends, as that would be illegal). Now, she is in contact with your brother, but not with you. There is definitely something messed up there.

I would contact your mother, and find out exactly what's going on with her. If she continues to have no contact with you, then that is her loss, and you need to move on.

Answer 10

If we could choose our parents, we would all pick nice caring, loving people who always always put us first. Unfortunately we cant choose our parents, we are stuck with the only ones we will ever have.

No mothers are perfect and non are all bad, it sounds tho like your mum needs to find what makes her happy somewhere else and has left you behind . This is bound to make you miserable. Be strong, remember that she has probably done the best that she can for you and now considers you able to look after yourself.

You may be a mum yourself one day and you will do a much better job.