A woman's JOB?

Question

I am a stay at home mother, In addition I take care of my three year old twins nephews for ten hours a day, I am up at 4:30 am and get everyone ready and out the door at about 7am and then I am a cleaning machine till about 4 pm when they all get off the bus and I have to make dinner for 7... Am I wrong in asking for a little help on the weekends or is that a woman's JOB?

I ask for help and my husband says it's my job..... He thinks cause he works all day outside of the home he doesn't need to be here working as well..

I have 7 kids ages 17 14 13 12 and 6 then I do daycare for three year old twins YES I SPEND all day cleaning and geting things ready for when they all come home... I clean all day cause I am the only one doing anything ...

I have 7 kids ages 17 14 13 12 and 6 then I do daycare for three year old twins YES I SPEND all day cleaning and geting things ready for when they all come home... I clean all day cause I am the only one doing anything ...

Answer 1

A man like that generally you can't change his mind about these sorts of things. Unfortunately, he has been taught that if you don't bring a paycheck in, you aren't contributing to the family. You have to illustrate to him exactly how much you do contribute. It's easy for him to forget since he isn't there. Make an itemized list of everything you do, including how long it takes to do them, and how much it would cost him if he had to pay someone else to do those jobs. Also, point out to him that while he works 8 hours a day 5 days a week, you work 16ish hours a day 7 days a week. Ask him why is it fair for him to get 2 days off a week and you NEVER get a day off.

Then, make a clear cut list of what you expect from him. Be reasonable. Don't just ask him to "help out" be specific. Men need that. Things like "make dinner on Saturdays" "make sure the kids get a bath on Sunday night" "watch the kids while I get out of the house for 2 hours on Saturday."

If you are good at illustrating just how much you do, and are reasonable and don't expect to much from him, he probably will pitch in more on the weekends.

Answer 2

What he's not getting is that, yes, he works hard at his job, but then he gets time off every single day, and on non-work days. You need that, too.

You sort of need a "job duties renegotiation". You could stage a limited strike, of sorts, to get him to the bargaining table. Make it clear that you are very serious in not being willing to work 4 am to bedtime, 7/52.

Maybe schedule some away-from-home time, so he knows what it's like being in charge.

Take the amount of time he works each day, and after that, start pointing out to him that you've done your 8 hours that day. That's your job. (Don't do anything for him after that point, this also means after the 40 hour week. "I've done my 40 hours this week, and am refusing to do overtime. You're hungry, make something yourself.")

In a way, you've buying into the same misapprehension he is. If you've defined all house things as YOUR job, then he has every right to decline to "help" you do "your" job.

Thing is, doing all of it should not be your job, but the responsibility of both of you. Since he has a second job, more of it is yours; but he lives there too. If he wants clean clothes, and food, he needs to take some responsibility.

They are his kids, too.

If he wants you exhausted and miserable and hating your life, he's going about it the right way, but then, point out to him that you have no reason to continue to put up with it.

Um, you need to spend every day from 7 am to 4 pm cleaning?

That seems a bit much.

Either your standards are completely wacked out, you're amazingly inefficient, or you're exaggerating. Maybe come up with more accurate numbers before negotiating new conditions.

Answer 3

Would you still be stuck with 100% of the cooking and cleaning if you worked at a regular full-time job?
What you are currently doing during the week is a full-time job.
You deserve some help and some rest over the weekends.

Either drag him in for some family counseling, or find a way to teach him how important and demanding your services really are. Perhaps take a week off and go off to visit relatives in another state and see how that weighs on him.

Answer 4

Tell him you work all day too! Everyday a lot more hours than he does. He should help out too, how would he like it if he worked from 4am till bedtime every single day with no breaks, no time off. Taking care of little kids all day can drive you crazy. Then cleaning house and fixing supper then cleaning up again. Ask him how much your job would cost him if he had to pay someone else to do it.

Answer 5

No u deserve some help all the time and since hubby wont help u then tell him that he better get a second job as u are hiring someone outside of the family to come and help u manage the household, and that u will need some big bucks as they are going to cost u a fortune, i bet after this little surprise he will be more willing to help in order not to fork up the extra cash.

Answer 6

No, you are not wrong to ask for help. You and I are in the same boat; we put in a lot of work for little or no compensation. 95% of the work and child care is done by me, but I do ask for help otherwise my day NEVER ends until I go to bed. Everyone gets a 15-minute coffee break, and so should you. If you can't get any help, then chores around the house stop getting done. Family may have to wear dirty clothes, supper will be chronically late, etc, if it helps to get your point across. It is not a woman's job to work for free.

Answer 7

When you do everything yourself without asking for help, it's the general assumption of others that you don't need help. Try asking for help.

Welcome to my last marriage. That's how my ex thought of things, but the difference is, I worked too. I earned an income. Sorry to say, there isn't much way to change his thought process. This is a belief, probably instilled in him by his mother for doing everything for him. You tell him that this insn't the 1950s and quit thinking you two are Ozzie and Harriett. That just because you don't get paid, doesn't mean your job isn't hard.

Answer 8

A woman's job is whatever she da** well pleases, and when it comes to an unpaid job such as homemaker, you can get help. That's why kids always help with their moms, i.e. loading dishwasher, chores, etc. Also, my father always did the vacuuming for my mom. Help should be expected, and something should change. Does your nephew's mother have help in her house, or is she in the same predicament like you? If she gets help, then ask how she did it. If you have any sisters-in-law, then perhaps they could help get some sense into your husband's head.

Answer 9

you go to work an let him do it ......a day if that he will be begging you to do it an he will pay you..
my husband said he will never be out of work again he doesn't see how i put up with kids all day or any woman at that
where he think he be if you wasn't there doing your job he wouldn't have it so easy i mean he would have to work something out to have his job an still manage the kids schedules

Answer 10

No, he is wrong for not helping you. Women do so much more than men do. They have to be a cook, a maid, a doctor, they have to do everything around the house and the kids and get no thanks. I say talk to him and get his a*s to help you. It should be his job too on the weekends to pitch in and help a little.