My boyfriend and I are both 24 and its getting to the point where I don't know whether I can wait any longer for him to commit. We've been travelling all summer and I was devastated to come home without getting engaged. I couldn't think of a more perfect time to do it, no worries, no need to work, visiting beautiful places. I've asked him whether he includes marriage into his plans for the future and he says he does want to marry me but he can't understand why cant I just be happy with the fact we're in love and happy together. How can you be unsure after 3 years? I've told him I don't want a ring and would like a few years to plan a wedding but still no proposal. Am I wasting my time? Please no 'why don't you ask him' or 'its just a piece of paper' answers!
2007-10-08 02:03:44 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Your answer is in your question: "we're in love and happy together." You need to pound into him the reality that HE may be happy, but YOU are not.
Go talk to a bunch of Grammas and you're going to find out the that 90% of marriages happen ONLY when the man is faced with the choice of marrying you or losing you. Tell him you're too old to go steady; it's time to either get engaged (with marriage following in 18 months or less) or start seeing other people and he has 6 weeks to think about it.
The "think about it" period may be difficult for you, especially if you two live together. You must withdraw your support and affection, and avoid being around him as much as possible. (Someone will be sleeping on the sofa.) Don't be angry with him, just withdrawn, subdued, sad. Act as if you assume his answer is going to be "start seeing other people" and you are just trying to get through the 42 days without unpleasant scenes.
Only do this if you are 100% sure that you'd rather end the relationship than continue it on the condition that it will never lead to marriage. If you'd rather be in an uncommitted relationship with HIM, even at price of being unable to seek another relationship that WILL lead to marriage, then just accept things the way they are and stop fretting yourself over a wedding that is never going to happen.
Some men will "bolt" in reaction to this sort of ultimatim. Nothing you can do but let him. He may "wise up" in 6 months or a year, but then again he may not. Don't sit home with your legs crossed hoping he'll wise up. Assume that he is gone for good and live your life accordingly. If he asks "Can we still be friends?" your answer should be "Hell no. Why would I want to be reminded of being rejected? The less I see of you, the better." This will be hard but (1) you have to really end it if you expect for YOU to ever meet someone else and (2) you have to really end it or HE will never believe that you're serious -- he'll keep hoping things will just drift back to being the way they are right now.
2007-10-08 02:33:46 · answer #1 · answered by kill_yr_television 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
My boyfriend and I of 3+ years are in the same situation. He knows that I want to marry him, but he tells me that he's too young right now. He doesn't want to make the same mistake as a lot of our friends had made by getting married too young. Your boyfriend may be one of those guys that does everything backwards. Yes this may sound silly I know! But My boyfriend and I have done everything backwards than the norm right now, we're currently looking to buy our first house together after 3 years. We moved in together after 1 month (not by choice), then he bought a new truck, we then purchased a mobile home to save some money to buy our first house (much cheaper than renting an apartment where we live). I told him that I needed to know his intenions before we got serious about looking into getting a house, in which he says he has every intention of marrying me, but now is not the time do it, which is when he explained to me that he's just one of those guys that does things backwards. It's frustrating I know, but when the time comes, it'll be worth the wait! I PROMISE! I sitll haven't gotten a ring, but just knowing that he wants to marry me some day put a smile on my face everyday. You should be happy too. Marriage just isn't a piece of paper and a ring isn't just a ring, it's a joining of two lives to become one, let him have his time to think about it all and let it all sink in. Marriage is a hard thing for a guy to accept, especially as young as you two are. The world won't stop turning if you two don't get married by next summer.
2007-10-08 04:50:18 · answer #2 · answered by mskristin1982 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm 26 this October and I'm not yet married. Give him some time. 3 years is a relatively short time, actually. Give him another couple years. Maybe he'll be ready then.
2015-04-09 03:19:06 · answer #3 · answered by Matt 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said "no why don't you ask him" answers, but asking him and having a good heart-to-heart discussion about the issue with him is the only way you'll ever get an answer. You're young still, and he may not be ready to make the desicion to spend the rest of his life with the same person. I think that three years may be different at 24 than, say, at 34. At 24, you're just starting to get established in your life and in your career. But you'll never know if you don't ask him.
Each of you has a right to get what you want from a relationship. It's no more fair for you to have to hang around and wait for him to make up his mind than it is for him to feel pressured into making a commitment he's not ready to make. If he isn't ready to commit and you're not willing to wait, you should seriously consider going to a relationship counselor. You may not be as good of a match as you think you are.
Good luck.
EDIT: Whatever you do, don't pressure him into getting married before he's ready. When I was very young, I allowed my now-ex to pressure me into it because I didn't want to lose him. It was a disaster on many, many levels. It took me a very long time to get over the resentment. Don't do that to your boyfriend.
2007-10-08 03:28:14 · answer #4 · answered by SE 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Usually a couple knows after about two years of dating seriously. However, you two were young when you started dating -- the man I ended up marrying when I was 28 was NOTHING like the guys I was seriously dating at 19 and even 24!
You two may just not be a match for marriage - he isn't ready, and you are. No sense hanging around, waiting, though... that's just silly. He probably just doesn't need to or want to get married... either just at this time, or to you (no offence).
2007-10-09 02:41:17 · answer #5 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why is 3 years ALWAYS the magic number for when women seem to demand a proposal?
Seriously, chill out. You think you're antsy at 3 years, I had to wait 6 years to finally marry my husband. Your boyfriend will propose when he's ready, if he's ever ready. Three years is a good amount of time for some but others do still need more time. Just calm down and stop expecting so much.
2007-10-08 02:47:13 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
I felt the same way, i've been with my bf for three years as well. However many of the people I see and know have gotten married after much longer periods of time, so I wouldn't worry about it. I know when I watch Bridezillas they have usually been together much longer. Just enjoy your relationship without the pressure of getting married. You are still young. He is committed to you and you don't want to be married until you both feel right about it. He knows its something that is important to you so you have to trust him to act on that. You could be progressive and ask him to marry you.
2007-10-08 02:10:23 · answer #7 · answered by cashmaker81 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
The question is, Why do you want to marry him? 3 years is not a long time. I am a woman and i don't think I would marry a man after 3 years.
2007-10-08 03:29:40 · answer #8 · answered by Ethan's Mama 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Guys do not like to be hounded about it. It makes them feel pressured and makes them want to go in the opposite direction.
For many people, including myself, 24 is still too young to get married... even if you think you may have found "the one". Marriage takes a lot of responsibility, committment, sacrifice, etc. And if a person is not yet ready to be unselfish, they are smart NOT to get married yet. I know at 24 I was still very "ME" focused and not ready for marriage or kids.
If he is not sure about whether it YOU that he wants to marry someday, then it is smart to walk away. But if he knows he wants to marry YOU, just not yet, then you need to decide if HE is worth the wait.
But more importantly, you need to stop pressing the issue unless you want to drive him away by pressuring him into something he is not ready for.
2007-10-08 02:26:37 · answer #9 · answered by Proud Momma 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
he is telling you but you dont want to hear. he may
or may not be ready in a few years and you have to decide if you willing to risk the wait. at 24 years old
marriage being the most important thing seems
like you want to be a bride with all that entails,
the wedding , the dress the reception. what about
after? have you discussed children and finances?
You have to look at the whole picture not just the
fairytale. marriage is hard, staying married is even
harder. Hes in no hurry and your pushing is not
going to help. try to get interested in other things.
get involved in things that you want to learn about.
get your mind off of marriage for awhile and youll
be able to tell if its what you really want. then you
can decide if hes worth waiting for or if you should
move on. good luck.
2007-10-08 02:17:28 · answer #10 · answered by paganesque 2 · 6⤊ 0⤋