Should i continue to give money to my kids when they are 21 and 19?

Question

My 2 daughters are now 21 and 19 years old. I have been divorced from the mother for many years and always supported them with child payments to there mum and some extra when needed and i kept in contact with them (i work over seas). Unfortunatly there mother died earlyer this year and i was there to help though her illness and when she died. My two daughters had got themselfs into money trobbles and i sorted that out for them. I paid for them to go on a holiday to Grease for 1 month so they could chill out after there mother died. I was also helping them out when they got back from holiday but now they have both quit there jobs and are always asking for money. I told them that they have to get back on there own feet and i was giving them a helping hand sorting out there old debts but now they have to suvive without my help. They are just saying bad things about me when i do not give in to there money demands. Am i doing right so they learn to find there own way or am i being to hard?

A bit more information. The debts they had were around ₤10,000 each. They have there own flats although there is a 4 bed house that there mum was in that i am paying for and i said that they could stay there for free but they want there own places. I know that they are my kids and i am responsable but i think that they are taking the micky now do you think the same?

Answer 1

You are doing the right thing. Do not allow them to manipulate you or exploit you just because they are having a rough time. They are old enough to work and they should work.

You may have heard this expression: "Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man how to fish and you will feed him for a lifetime." I would recommend offering to teach your girls how to manage money. Most of us don't just know how to do it right without some instruction.

I am the mother of a 25 year old girl and a 20 year old girl. So, I'm not just shooting off my mouth to you. We didn't teach them enough and had to help them work out some mistakes, but have since helped them learn and they are doing better.

Love must be tough at times. Don't let your sympathy for their loss blind you to their real needs.

Good luck, sir.

Answer 2

If they are at university or still in education then I would be inclined to keep supporting them, although on the condition that they get part time work aswell.

I am 22 and in full time permanent work. I havn't had any money from my parents since I was 19, infact i now pay them rent to live at home, and often take them out for a meal or a drink. plus I fund my own holidays and pay for my own car, and I am paying off my own debt. They don't need this money from me, my parents are well off.

I am thankful to them for this, as it has taught me the importance of money, and also the satisfaction of knowing I am in control of my own life and can stand on my own 2 feet.

Obviously, I have not just lost my mother and I have no idea how i'd cope if I did or if i'd still beable to work. My friend lost her boyfriend in Iraq in July, and was back to work by September as she said having no routine was driving her mad.

Ok so to answer your question directly, without sounding harsh on your daughters for obvious reasons as I don't know what state they are in mentally. I do think you have got to the stage now where they need to start getting back on track. Its a terrible thing they have been through, but wallowing around with no job or money is only going to make things worse for everyone.

It sounds like you have been a wonderful supportive father so far, you have done so much for them and I hope they appreciate that.

Answer 3

I would like to think that my parents would always be there if I needed them for money rather than getting myself into trouble and I am 29. For example I had an unexpected electricity bill for over £500 (my meter readings are taken 6 monthly and their estimate was WAY off) and my mum lent me £300 and I am paying her back £100 each month.

HOWEVER I mean trouble, I do not mean "If I decided to give up my job".

You are right in sticking to your guns, they need to get a job. They cannot rely on you to provide a living for them, which is effectively what you are doing.

You need to tell them that if they were ever in real financial difficulty of course you would be there, but the truth is, they can get a job and they wouldn't need to lean on you.

Also make it clear that financial difficulty does not mean running up credit card bills and not being able to pay them off because they don't have a job either!

Although your children will always be your children, and you should always be there for them when you can, I think your children are taking the mickey.

Answer 4

I think that you are a great dad...
You have done and given a lot more to your daughters than most. Unfortunately sometimes when children are given too much it can cause them to become dependent and often times belligerent if/when cut off. They are 19 and 21 both are fully aware by now that what they are doing is taking advantage of you. They know how bad it hurts you when their angry with you and their using it against you. Let them know that the things that they are saying about you after all that you have done really hurts. Let them know that you can't believe that you even have to tell them that saying these things about your father whether your angry of not is wrong.
I would give them one month to get a job. I would let them know that up until then they will only be given necessary money and how they spend it is up to them. IE if they choose to stay in their flats instead of the house or use it to go out to clubs instead of on food. Let them know that they will not be given a penny more and that you will not bail them out financially if they bury themselves in debt again. Let them know that you feel as though they have completely taken advantage of you by quitting their jobs.
You are only hurting them by allowing them to continue on this path. If you love them you will stop feeding their lazy, selfish and rude behaviors.

Answer 5

i am 26 years old. unfortunately my father is still paying everything for me. i don't feel good for that because i want to find a job but i can't. it is very difficult. some will say that if i really want i will find. they are right only in one part that i can find something just to have my money and try to handle them propriety. the problem is that my father doesn't like the idea that his daughter will work at a shop with clothes and shoes, whatever anyway. i can understand him because i finished my studies to business administration and he wants me to find a job that is at least near to what i have studied. this is difficult. many times i am thinking of finding a job and let him shout. the only job that he didn't mind, was when i was working in bank for 4 months. thats it. i believe that when your daughters have their job they should not asking money from you. only if there is a big necessary. on the other hand you as their father you are doing right. i believe that loosing their mother was very hard for them. just be there because they need you even they can't understand it. as a father i believe that on your own you will give them some money. but not always. you have to talk with them and try to make them understand that some day they will be on their own and they will have to stand on their feet with no help from anyone. if i were in your position, i would give a try to talk to them, i would stop for a while to give them money whenever they would ask just to see how they handle their money.

Answer 6

Sounds like they need someone's foot up their behinds. As a parent paying child support you are only required to pay til they are 18yo, so legally you don't have to give them any money. They need to learn to handle their own money matters and get themselves a job so I think you did a very good job ending their money supply.

Perhaps give them an ultimatium, tell them you will pay for their rent (or for whatever they are using the money) for the next 2weeks then they are on their own. The 2 weeks should give them enough time to get a job.

They are old enough to support themselves. My answer would be different if they were studying.

Answer 7

Stewart, i'm 25 and if my dad hadn't kicked me up the **** when I was 17 I'd be into drugs and booze and everything (Loads of friends are). He helped me sort my life out and although at the time I hated him for it I now truely appreciate that what he did he did for me. Please stay firm and show that you really care about them by NOT giving in, when they have to stand on their own two feet you will be amazed at how resourceful they really are.

You sound like a quality bloke and I hope that the rest of your days are peaceful and furfilling.

Good Luck mate

Answer 8

Money demands! These are your grown children yes they need to get themselves out of money problems and they should be grateful that you are helping. There are no demands when you are a grown up dealing with other grown ups. I would make them sign something saying they will pay it back or have them do alot of work for you at the house. I wish you the best.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day, teach him to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime,"

"Don't bite the hand that feeds you."

They really need to learn this two quotes. Its obviously very hard for them since their mom died but they've got to move on. And you, try not giving them support for a while. They need to learn to stand on their own feet. They're not kids anymore (funny as I'm only 16). If they become overly dependent on you, what'll happen if you die? They'd be caught unprepared. Better teach them how to fish now and die with no care for the world or feed them til the stress brings you to the death bed.

Tough love!