He's 55 (really) and has had I lost count how many strokes. We always have been close as in talked often, but didn't see each other often, and we live in the same city. Now it's like I allot him a certain amount of time, and I feel guilty when I leave. I know that he understands that I have my own life, work, habits, family and all, but I still feel like I'm just giving him his 2 hours every so often, and then I don't go at all to avoid that feeling, and it cycles from there. Last time I saw him he said (jokingly) "What are you doing here? It isn't a holiday or anything." I love my dad very much, and want to see him more, but go or not, there's either of two different kinds of guilt feelings attached to it.
Thanks all!
2007-10-07 18:14:00 · 10 answers · asked by herfinator 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Schedule shorter visits, two hours might leave you with nothing to say and having to make excuses to leave. Drop in at odd moments when you really can't stay so it only takes a minute. Maybe drop off something for him or just stop to show him something. Then it doesn't become something to dread because it is an obligation.
My great uncle was in a nursing home and I would visit him nearly every day. It wasn't a chore it was on my way places like to pick my husband up from work. I knew he loved hard boiled eggs so I would take him some or just drop in to tell him something. Sometimes I would go after his dinner to play pinochle with him and some other residents. He was my grandma's brother so know all the siblings there were 11 of them and he remembered all their kids and grandkids so you could keep up with the entire family back 70 years.
He was hooked up to the entire town happenings since he got company several times a day from different people. Once I went to see my aunt but she wasn't home so I went to see him and he told me my cousin fell out of a tree and was in the hospital. Someone had told him on the way to see my cousin he was like a real live message board.
2007-10-07 19:03:13 · answer #1 · answered by shipwreck 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My dear it sounds as though you are doing the best you can. I am happy for both of you that you are visiting him. Please try not to feel guilty. Easier said than done, I know, but you are making the effort to see him while many, many do not. As a parent, I know your dad would NEVER want you to feel guilty about anything. He loves you unconditionally, with no expectations, and would forgive you (not that there is anything here to forgive) for anything. We create our children, teach them to fly on their own wings, and let them go. That's the way life is. When you were born, I know your dad wished you a good life, with a job, a family, and friends. Phone, e-mail, and see him when you feel you can, take him little things, snap some pictures. I hope he has several photos of you and the family in his room. And though he already knows, continue to demonstrate-however you can- that you love him. When we are ill or aging we desperately need this assurance from others, and often. Realize that you ARE giving him this assurance, which is so much more than many people ever get. When my mother had dementia, though our relationship was very troubled, I did the best I could for her; my imperfect, inconsistent best. I take comfort in the fact that she died knowing herself to be loved.I had moved her to be close to family, and towards the end I sang to her "It Had To Be You" the story of our relationship and a song she sang to me as a child. Give yourself a break. Just do the best you can honestly do, know that you have a lot of company, and it will all work out. No one expects you to do any more or be some sort of saint or martyr ( ha ha) least of all your dad. Blessings to you both.
2007-10-08 04:48:04 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The reward of not feeling guilty (because you've visited) and knowing you did the right thing is not enough for you right now. Have you tried taking someone else with you when you visit? I often take my two daughters when I visit my aunt, who is also in a nursing home. Also, try another reward following the visit. My daughters and I will stop at our favourite mall afterward, which is close to the nursing home. Sometimes I promise them another reward, a visit to the pet store, or a swim at their favourite pool. For you, it should be something that appeals to you. Just try your best, try not to be too hard on yourself, but remember, also, that you would like visitors if you were in a nursing home. And also, your Dad won't be there forever, so it's good to take advantage of the time now. Good luck!
2007-10-07 19:35:24 · answer #3 · answered by Char 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I took care of my dad before he died. I now wish I'd just moved in there. Spend as much time as possible with him now. When he's gone, you can't go back. Make the time count. Don't feel guilty. You do have your own life and family to deal with. Give him as much as you are capable of giving. You can't do more than your best.
2007-10-07 20:30:12 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You think you've got guilt now, but just wait until he is gone. You will really harbor a lot of guilt if you do not make a great effort to see him as much as you can. Make the space in your life to see him at least three or four days a week. You will never regret it.
2007-10-07 18:18:50 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
if you think about the way out economy is, everyone is rushing around to get things done and in the process in my opinion forget about the relatives that are older than 70 years and they seem to feel that theses elderly people are a burden onto thier own lives :( So how to deal with that, is to make others aware that leaving their relatives behind in nursing homes and other similar places are a disaster to our ways of life. God Bless, Law Professor
2016-05-18 21:57:33 · answer #6 · answered by ying 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just try to enjoy him while you can! Make it something fun. Send him letters when you aren't there so he can feel more connected. Even if you are in the same town you can do this. Is anyone else visiting him? Just go whenever you can, even if it's just for a few minutes. I'm sure he'd prefer that than seeing you less.
2007-10-07 18:29:08 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
pick a day of the week you visit him or a day of the month whatever you know you can commit to...and make sure it is a special time for him going through picture take him for a walk, bring a special treat, brush his hair,,,something for him that makes you feel good when you leave one day you will go and he may be dead or get that dreaded phone call he is where he because he has to be so step up to the plate and commit to him ....a special day hour what ever
2007-10-07 18:32:55 · answer #8 · answered by roncj88 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
imagine when he is gone....and u cant even speak to him the guilt attached to that knowing there was so much more to be said.
ur situation ain't difficult u making it that way by letting ur guilt way u down..all ur father wants is ur time and that is the best gift u can give him while he is still around and considering that he has had so many strokes..ur time is limited.
2007-10-07 18:20:45 · answer #9 · answered by Phoenix21 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go see him and forget feeling guilty because I'm sure he's happy with what he gets.
I mean he gets to see you so I know he's not going to complain.
However if he dies you will feel so much worst for having stolen time from him because of your own petty feelings.
Make him happy and give him his two hours.
2007-10-07 18:54:40 · answer #10 · answered by NoGood 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋