Here's the thing....my baby's daddy disappeared almost 2 yrs ago. I met a great guy 1-1/2 yrs ago fell in love and married him. He wants to adopt my 3 yr old daughter. Sometimes he's a great daddy but other times i wonder if he even knows she's here? He likes to entertain at home almost every weekend when he is in. He works offshore. He fishes, dives, and hunts. I am beginning to realize he is kind of selfish. He is also a drinker. (mostly on weekends when friends are over) What i guess i am asking is how do i know if it is the right choice. What questions should i ask him to make sure he knows exactly what he is getting into and if he is ready for it. He wants a child of his own but i am not sure i want to do that. I am scared i will be stuck raising 2 kids by myself. Help!!!!! Any advice will be appreciated. Or questions i should ask him.
2007-10-07 14:24:19 · 38 answers · asked by Jennifer L 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adoption
Louisiana law states that if the noncustodial parent has not made contact (no child support, no calls, no nothing) in 6 months that the petitioner (my husband) can adopt her w/o the bio father's consent. She will still be able to get any inheritance from her bio father. But he has nothing to leave her anyway. He has 4 other children beside her. Anyway.....i know my hubby really loves her i just think it is all too new to him and just doesn't realize that when you have a child things change. You have to make sacrafices.
2007-10-07 14:42:50 · update #1
I think the other question is, is your daughters father going to legally give up his right? That's the only way your husband can legally adopt her. I'd suggest going to couples counseling to see if anything arises.
2007-10-07 14:32:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
The problem is that you won't know, absolutely, if it is the right choice until you make a decision. Your decision should be based on how he has been with her over these past 1 1/2 years and how he treats her. It should also be based on how he treats you! You are beginning to realize that he's kind of selfish but don't state your reasons for thinking that way. He's a drinker but to what extent? If he works off-shore then you probably don't see each other until the week-end! I'm certain he has to fit a lot in when he is home in order to feel as though he's spent some quality time with you and your daughter plus have some interaction with friends. It's really difficult to say if he's a really great daddy since you don't know how he would be if he were home more.
I think the best way to handle it is to sit down and have a long talk with him...and not just about your daughter! Tell him you're a bit fearful about having more kids and not certain if he should adopt yours yet. He did marry you knowing you had a child and that's a very positive character trait. Ask him why he wants children since he's never at home to spend time with them. Is he planning on changing jobs or would he if necessary? If his drinking disturbs you ask him about it! Before you sit down for your long talk, I think it's time for you to take an inventory of your life with him! If you don't know whether or not having his child is the right thing to do...then why are you married to him? What would happen to your relationship if you refused to have more children? If you won't have his child then I wouldn't imagine it would be a good idea to allow him to adopt yours! I truly don't think anyone can tell you what to do under the circumstances but I do believe the answers are inside of you. Good luck!
2007-10-07 14:49:51 · answer #2 · answered by Chris B 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well first of all you need to address the fact that, it sounds like you are not very comfortable with the idea. If he is not around much, but he is a good dad most of the time when he is there. I am not sure that is a good enough case to let him adopt her. Well if he has not had much experience with children that could be the reason he treats her differently sometimes. When I became a step mother I was completely lost. You need to confront him on the things that you are concerned with. Mainly his drinking and the change in attitude towards your daughter. Just be nice about it and also ask him if he is sure that is what he wants to do. Good luck!
2007-10-07 14:36:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This decision is a huge one for you! I think you should focus on how well you really know him. Keep a little diary on him, record his behavior when he is with her and away from her. The drinking is only an issue if after alcohol he gets violent and could pose a threat to you and your baby. Talking is always a great help, Talk to him about all of your hopes and fears on the situation, also friends and family, ask what they feel they would do if placed into your shoes. Some men change alot after children you could see a whole new side to your husband! I really hope that i may have helped and i wish you, your Husband and your little girl the very best for the future
2007-10-07 14:48:07 · answer #4 · answered by Alex S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a big step for your entire family. And unless you are completly sure you are making the right choice, and don't have any second thoughts or questions about it, I don't think you should let him, not yet at least.
Wait until you are 100% sure and don't have "hes's a great daddy but..."
When it's time, your mother instinct will come into play and you will know that now is the time.
If you are worried that you will someday be rasing two children by yourself, maybe theres an issue of trust. You need to trust that hes going to be there (if not you shouldnt really be married), and trust that he wont leave you and know that he is a great father (if he is at least).
2007-10-07 18:19:38 · answer #5 · answered by J. 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
My husband just adopted my son and its something you have to figure out for yourself,you know this man you know whats best for your child, if he treats her like his own and treats her well thats all you want right?? You can be very protective because you know the child is not really his i know i was and your looking at every little thing that he does and making it much bigger then it would be,ive done it,we have a son together and im not like that with him,but if he ignored my other son i would be pissed off, stupid i know!!
If you do have a shread of doubt hold off on it for a while, i had my doubts but they out weighed the pros of the situation, now that the adoption has gone through were are one big happy family,they are both stable my husband knows that hes his son and thats that nothing will change it,im so glad we done it for us but especially for our son xx
2007-10-09 01:45:51 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should move back in with mom. Do not let him adopt. If you decide to leave him, he will have partial custody.
It sounds like he likes the IDEA of kids, but really wants to be a single guy.
If possible, get some therapy to find out why you pick selfish, immature guys. Get some books from the library to learn about raising your self-esteem.
You deserve better, and so does your daughter.
2007-10-08 08:18:32 · answer #7 · answered by Sunny 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Be very cautious ok? DO NOT let him adopt your daughter.... not now anyway.....she is 3, and he has only known her and you 1 1/2 yrs? Doesnt that sound weird that a grown man, with NO kids, would generously want to adopt a 3 yr old baby girl that isnt his? Making him obligated for life? But you have to remember that also gives HIM rights to her if something happens between you two! He sounds like his personal party life and extra curricular ARE the important parts of his life, NOT a family man..... wait a long time before you have kids with him, and if you ever see where he deserves to adopt your daughter? Make it in a LONG time!!! Beware grown men who arent family men, wanting to ADOPT 3 yr old babies when he doesnt even ACT like the doting daddy??? Please pay attention to this!!
2007-10-07 14:30:10 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 1⤋
Pros:
You all can have the same last name
If he leaves you can get child support
You can get a tax credit the year you do the adoption
You never have to worry about the bio. father showing back up
Cons:
You can't get child support from the biological father
Your daughter won't inherit anything from the biological father
Result: Get a free consultation with a family lawyer (go by yourself) and talk it out.
PS - Although the biological father has nothing to leave her right now, he might have something one day, or he might hit the lottery - you never know!
2007-10-07 14:28:01 · answer #9 · answered by Daniel T 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Dont Do It Unless You Know And Feel Completly Comfortable With The Situation..This Is Not Something That You Can Afford To Make A Mistake On...Is Your Daughter Comfortable With Him??
2007-10-07 14:27:33 · answer #10 · answered by Rae Rae 2 · 6⤊ 0⤋
IF YOU ARE IN DOUBT DON'T!!!! Best advice I have ever heard, "follow your heart"By the sound of it you have your doubts of him as a husband, so why would you put your daughter in that situation. If your gut tells you that you will probably be stuck raising two kids by yourself, then listen to yourself.
Here is a question for you, Why do you feel the need to ask this question? Asking it obviously should be the answer you seek.
I am a single mother of 4. Don't put yourself and your daughter in a situation you are scared of.
2007-10-07 14:38:08 · answer #11 · answered by Marion W 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋