What if I can't better?

Question

My older sister was insititutionalized for most of her life and eventually ended her life. I am scared that I will end up just like her. My family frown on depression/weakness, especially by brother. I fear if I listen to my dr's order about taking a medical leave of absence from school, I will never return. I'll just end up like my sister with no hope of a future. I'm scared to put my parents whom I love in that position again. They are very fragile and will only get depressed themselves. My father recently had a heart attack and my mother has surgery. The argue almost every day over stupid things. I know they get depressed sometimes when they wake up early and mutter to themselves. I can't cope hearing their sadness, disappointments, bitterness in life. I can't cope being a failure to them. I also can't stop being weak. I can't force myself to do my school work like I use to. I feel like this situation may be permanent. I can't stop crying. I have little options.

Talking about this situation has not helped so I know counselling won't help me. I'll just forever rehash the same thing about my past and not be able to move forward. I have no coping skills. I don't see a light at the other end of the tunnel for me. I don't see how I can turn my life around and get better. It feels impossible. I wake up with a bad dream like something bad will happen if I take the medical leave of absence. I have very limited choices. I have no money of my own. My dr cannot refer me to a specialist bc there's a shortage of drs. I've been kicked out of the anxiety/depression group and felt a total reject. However, I know that talking about my pain does not heal me. I just rehash the same thing over again. I just want to be functional like Comedian Christopher Titus. I end up just keep watching his video clips on youtube.com but I'm not strong like him. I can't see humour in my problems. I see him as inspiration but it's not enough.

I suffer from severe depression/anxiety and already take meds but they don't work. The dr said meds may not help me. He is retiring soon after the semester. He doesn't have a referrel for me bc there's a shortage of drs. and he knows my condition is complicated. He knows I'm very sensitive person. One time, when he was not in, and I was physically feeling ill bc of the meds I was forced to see a different dr. That lady dr was rude to me bc i couldn't answer quickly and she didn't give me anything to ease my physical illness, instead she said rudely "I don't know you. Only you[my retiring] dr can help you. He has limited hours but I put i an appointment for you next Thurs.! Anything else" before storming off. I walked out of there crying (it was a long walk bc the University is so huge) at times stopping to rest. My migraine was hurting and I felt like throwing up. I rested by leaning against the wall and putting my head down to avoid people seeing me cry. I was so sick

I was still sick in the weekend. Later on, I told my retiring dr about that dr's rudeness. She was a young lady dr. I hate her and thinking about her depresses me. I don't want to meet another rude dr. My retiring dr has the only dr that has been most patient with me and never got angry at me. He knows I can't trust anyone else. He knows I am scared of seeing anyone else and so I am complicated. He has tried his bed to offer kinds words of support but that's all he can do. Also, if I take a medical leave of absence, I still need dr that will vouch for my health should I ask to return. By that time, he's retired. I have no one. I am too scared to see anyone else.

Unfortunately, there are no outpatient therapy for me. There's a shortage of drs. If I really wanted to get help, I would need money which I don't have. I have heard of others who say they paid their psychiatrist $150/hr and all they took were notes and making comments like "very good", "that's healthy" and kept asking "what do you think?" and they had no advice to offer that the client quit after three sessions bc the dr had nothing to offer. The client got sick and tired and finally said, "well I'm paying you $150 an hour, I'd like to know what you think". That was his last session. Anyhow, I can afford those drs that you have to pay big bucks bc I have no job. I am completely supported by my parents. I lost my two part-time jobs due to anxiety/depression/lack of confidence and they were low paying jobs. I wouldn't be able to afford such an expensive dr.

Answer 1

I am a little unclear as to the actual problem you are having? Depression? It sounds like you are feeling some shame or stigma about having a problem. The source of that is coming from your family? Just know 1st, that YOU are NOT your sister. And the problem you are having can be treated in numerous ways. Are you in High School? Go to the guidance counselor or the school nurse and tell them what is happening and that you need help. Schedule an appointment so that there is time set aside to be able to help you. If in college, don't quit, try cutting down your load of school work and ask your doctor about seeing a psychologist/therapist and doing some outpatient types of treatment first. One of the worst things about depression is not being able to envision that there is hope for tomorrow. You do have options. If you choose to do nothing, things will get so much worse. You are not a failure and this is NOT your fault. Depression is not something we choose. It chooses us.

Answer 2

I know you're probably not interested in getting in shape , But if you were,, the heart would start pumping you into a heated position,, above your current location , which I would describe as crawling toward a full blown crash ,, so I'm going to say it like you were me , You'll be somebody else if you let them change you ,,pushups setups and most importantly Run away frum this problem RUN ,, swet is good for you , don't be afraid of it , if this doesn't start making a difference in 3 weeks by some small measure ,by all meens,, go get druged but your heart may never forgive you if you don't first try the natural fix , the inner fire of life ,, let your heart do it

Answer 3

I hope you are seeing a good therapist. There really is hope for you..but you've gotta get out there and look for it. You might be able to find medication to help you be able to study..or you might need a special kind of help at school. Go to your guidance counselor...even copy this email and give it to her. You really need to get some help for yourself before you end up like your sister. Your parents have their own lives..if they're not going to help you get help..you need to do it yourself. They could probably get help too. If you get help and they see you're getting better..maybe they would get help. Have you had a physical lately?? Get your blood and thyroid checked. It might not be your fault at all. You Go Girl!!Get out there and get that help!!!! You've only got one life. Don't let it be wasted.!!PS..If you're a boy..then You Go Guy!!! I hate these Avatars..you can't tell who's a boy or girl by picture or name. (Make yourself a picture on here. If I can do it..I know you can!)

Answer 4

Most people with depression feel like this. I'm sorry that you have a bad family who wont support you. You need to be loved. You'd be surprised by how love can balance people. Family therapy can help.