So the adoption process isn't perfect!!!?

Question

We know the adoption industry isn't perfect. so what can we EACH do to help improve the process. I know someone who was placing her child privately because she thought it was horrible for an agency to SELL her baby. She said that during her assesment they made her look at 100's of"dear birth parent letters" and told her that they could find her a better "match"

She chose a family who wasn't looking to adopt, but welcomed her request. She chose them because of who she KNEW they were, not who they said they were on paper and she wasn't budging.

So, what can we do to fix the glitches?
make it illegal to charge "placement" fees?

Have a GOVERNMENT agency without bias do the assesments?

Have a GOVERNMENT issued booklet be given to each mother letting her know her options, including foster care?

Have GOVERNMENT runned homes for mothers needing support?

This is somewhere the GOVERNMENT can do a lot of good, so what's the hold up?

Anyone have suggestions?

Non-profit means SQUAT!
the placement fee is purely profit that goes into their pockets. they just have to show no positive cash flow beyond reason. There's nothing in the non-profit rules regulating their salaries.

The true costs are also charged, like $200 an hour for report writing, $200 an hour for home visits and birth parent counseling, $15 for faxes. $1,500 for 12 hours of adoptive parenting classes. $25 for 15 min of travel time. And medical expences are ADDED to the placement fee. It's just a FINDERS fee nothing more. IT"S WRONG.

Non-profit means SQUAT!
the placement fee is purely profit that goes into their pockets. they just have to show no positive cash flow beyond reason. There's nothing in the non-profit rules regulating their salaries.

The true costs are also charged, like $200 an hour for report writing, $200 an hour for home visits and birth parent counseling, $15 for faxes. $1,500 for 12 hours of adoptive parenting classes. $25 for 15 min of travel time. And medical expences are ADDED to the placement fee. It's just a FINDERS fee nothing more. IT"S WRONG.

Answer 1

You might be interested to know that here in NZ we do not have private adoption agencies, it is ALL handled by the government. No money must change hands or else the adoption is illegal, But the lawyer who handles the legal side of adoption can charge his fee. When I adopted my daughter, the lawyer said I could not even pay for the taxi to bring the birth mother to his office to sign the papers. We now have open adoptions and birth mothers can keep in touch but through the lawyer who passes on letters, photos etc. The birth mother can choose from 3 couples who have been selected by the Government Agency as suitable parents, the birth mother can ask to meet with them before she agrees.

Answer 2

The best way to avoid it is to go through foster care. You can learn about the ethical concerns in adoption, but most of them do not involve foster care (although some do, depending mainly on the state). Most of the time, foster care adoption IS ethical, as it is in the best interests of the child. Most other forms of adoption are unethical more often than not, and are not in the best interests of the child. You CAN find other forms of adoption, sometimes, that are ethical, but it would be difficult to ensure that everyone involved has good intentions. Better to just go with foster care and trust your instincts. Good for you for doing your research first! You wouldn't believe how many people just want a baby, and don't care how they get "it".

Answer 3

In response to "additional details" provided by floridagals' question - "Amen"!! I have never seen a question here with 7 stars! You hit the target straight on.

Adoption is a total rip-off for adoptive parents. They get screwed up one side and down the other. I also know that non-profit means squat.

In spite of being on "the list", please do not think that I am stupid enough to think that every woman who has a child is ready to parent it. My problem with adoption is that it seems in many cases, the wrong kind of person relinquishes their child to adoption. Expectant parents and their families who are perfectly capable of parenting are persuaded to relinquish. Yet parents who have no business even being near children are allowed to "play" to system. These deadbeats use their children as pawns at the same time that they take advantage of foster parents who really care about the welfare of children. And who gets the short end of the stick? The children who the system treats like pawns.

WHY!! Because our current government has abdicated social responsibility and turned it over to the "private sector". Hmmm - sounds just like the Iraq war.

My suggestion is to vote carefully in the US elections.

Answer 4

The adoption industry in the USA needs regulating - it seems to me to be a free-for-all with the unscrupulous facilitators being free to do whatever unethical stuff they like and nobody takes any notice because "adoption is so wonderful"

The practices of adoption in the USA are unethical and coercive by their very nature and the sealing of adoptees birth certfificates is a blatant violation of human and civil rights

If the US would only look outside their own 'box' they would see that this kind of thing is not acceptable in most countries around the world and there are ways or practising adoption in a much more civilised manner

Also for those who need reminding, anti-adoption practices does not mean anti-adoption. So please stop with throwing that one around - it's not right

Answer 5

I find it curious that you address only the process in your effort to acknowledge that adoption isn't perfect.

Granted, the process is FAR from perfect. But there is a huge area of adoption that has not been addressed here - and that is the psychological and emotional impact on the adopted person regardless of the ethics in the process.

In addressing the process, however, my greatest problem with it is the lack of screening that is done on prospective adoptive parents. Psychologically challenged PAPs are not screened properly. This contributes to the anger of so many adult adoptees today. Their adoptive parents were not psychologically equipped to parent (adopted children or bio children). The vulnerable position in which they entered their adoptive families was made worse by the treatment of their ill-equipped adoptive parents.

And so they have suffered greatly at the hands of adoption. Do you think these people are rare? Think again. They are as common as houseflies. Who here dares to challenge their experiences? Who has the right?

And then there is the problem of the Western concept of parenting that poisons adoptive AND biological relationships with children. Western parenting practices are, unfortunately, mostly about power. Western culture does not respect children. Children are not equals in Western culture - they are subordinates. There is a tremendous power imbalance and children suffer for it.

Western parents do not see themselves as their children's ally; they see themselves as their children's dictator, disciplinarian, strongman, taskmaster, overlord. Western parents see themselves as being in a position of power over their children. Such a position precludes respect for children as human beings in their own right.

This attitude feeds the adoption machine because people who are unable to have children are too often driven by a need to hold power over someone. If they can't create their own children to overpower, they want someone else's for the same purpose.

This has to stop - all of it - until we are able to produce a generation of loving and respected human beings.

Answer 6

LC, I have never heard you say anything that sounds remotely like you care about expectant mothers in crises, other than that you want to remove their children from them legally. It sounds like you care once you know you can get a baby out of them because they are willing to go along with an adoption plan, simply so that you can claim the process was not done using any illegal forms of coersion or duress.

Women don't WANT to lose their children. There are some women out there who are emotionally void, on drugs, have severe emotional issues etc... who want to "get rid of their babies". But no human with a feeling soul wants to lose their child.

Working to help families stay together is what is in the best interest of biological mothers who are emotionally connected to their children and want and love them.

Removing a womans child does not "improve her life". How on EARTH would you believe that? Some women believe (and some women possibly correctly) that adoption may have saved their child from some painful circumstance... but no woman in her right mind screams on the floor cyring while people take her child away and then screams into her pillow for years to come and says, "Oh great, at least I got rif of that kid, because now I can go to France"

Who gives a CRAP about France. Who gives a CRAP about school. Who gives a crap about a career that means absolutely nothing without your child...

And if it is NECESSARY many women would of course go through that kind of eternal hell for their children. But IS it necessary? And in how many circumstances? And can we reduce the number of cases in which it IS necessary?!

How many women who placed their children desperately wished above anything in the world for a way that they could keep their children AND give them a beautiful life?

How many women can we prevent being hurled into an unnecessary hell?

And by the way, I thought florida gal was an adoptive parent (maybe I am wrong?) why are you accusing her of being "anti-adoption"?

Don't use that label if people are for adoption reform but not necessarily against giving homes to children who are in need of them.

Answer 7

I'm not in the US so can't specifically comment.

I agree with much of what Gershom has said. She is one of the staunchest supporters of adoptee rights that I know - and as seen here on Y - that grates on people when her views differ from others - but if people don't ever see the other side of adoption - how will there EVER be changes.

Why would people not want what is BEST for the child.
Best choice should be to stay with their own parents - if that can happen.
Or - if not - allow that child to have the same rights as every other American citizen - to fully know their identity and heritage - and to love whomever they choose.

I live in Australia where there are under only 600 adoptions per year - in total.
Australia is a staunch supporter of family preservation - keeping families together if at all possible.

The US seems to have become a throw away society & a society that only looks after themselves as individuals - not as a whole.

Gone are the days of truly caring for your neighbour - for giving of your heart and soul to helping another - without minding that you may not get something in return.

Everyone thinks that everyone else owes them - and they won't really do something unless there is something solid in it for them.

If more were to educate themselves on the effects of separating mother and child - and the psychology behind rejection issues in relinquished children - people might actually start to realise what nurturing the child should really be about.

It's not about giving them a college education or plenty of birthday gifts each year. It's about loving the child unconditionally - and empowering that child to grow into a compassionate and loving adult. It's allowing a child to be a part of the family that they are genetically linked to - if possible. It's about not claiming that a child is to be yours alone (if you're an adoptive parent) - as such - but the child is 'ours' - an adoptee is made up of many parts. Trying to insist that an adoptee choose sides is unfair and completely unreasonable. If they later choose themselves to reject either 'side' - that should be their right - and their right alone.

The US is setting up children to be hurting from the very start with such outrageously high adoption numbers - especially when there are so many children in foster care waiting for a real home.

Education is probably a key area - before any change can happen.

Added: FYI - LC - I actually gave you a thumbs up for your answer!!

Answer 8

If you place the GOVERNMENT in the mix, that will really slow down the process and increase the costs. Just try to apply for a passport. This is a process that requires a background check, and some processing. The 9/11 hijackers had them!!

What needs to happen is there needs to be a well defined and regulated certification and licensing process for those agencies and attorneys that facilitate adoptions. This needs to be a "one strike" system, where any significant evidence of malpractice loses your license to facilitate adoptions forever! The government wouldn't be required to review every adoption, but they would be responsible for ensuring that those that do are ethical. (Ethics and government? Maybe it could work anyway.)

I researched the attorneys that we used, but I also would have paid an extra fee to ensure that the attorney was licensed in some way.


By the way...NEWS FLASH...ADOPTION ISN'T CHEAP...

There are costs associated with adoption that are not directly associated with your adoption, they are associated with the next one. The agencies and attorneys operate at risk until the adoption is final. However, the businesses and medical professionals don't. If an agency or attorney is going to take care of the birth mother during the pregnancy, they need $ for:
-transportation of the birthmother to their offices and to medical visits
-advertising so birth mothers can find them
-advertising so adoptive parents can find them
-paying their people to prepare and process the paperwork
-birthmothers are often given money to help them live and keep themselves (and subsequently the baby) healthy
-birthmothers are often provided with counseling before and after the birth

They can't tell these people, "We will pay you once the adoption is final. And, by the way, if the birthmother changes her mind, we are not going to pay you." It doesn't work that way. The agencies and attorneys have an account from which they draw funds to pay for all of these things. That fund is added to with each adoption. If an adoption doesn't go through (as apparently one in ten don't), then any money spent is lost. This can amount to thousands of dollars lost.

We paid into this account, and we did so gladly, because we knew that someone else had paid into it for us to get our child.


By the way, Gershom and Possum are going to give me a thumbs down for this answer because it doesn't show the plight of the birthmother. Contrary to what they think, I DO care about the rights of the birthmother. I am trying to help birth mothers out by fixing the agency/attorney end of the process.

Answer 9

I agree that we should copy Austraila's system

FL Gal, I think you're on the right track, but I'd be leary of allowing the Gov to house mothers though. It'd be preferable if they had supportive professionals to offer home care.

I also believe adoptive parents need much more extentsive mental and emotional evaluations. Some people go straight from failed fertility treatments to adoption. It's been proven that the loss of one's fertility can severely impact ones disposition and sense of self. Too many ap's fail to grieve the loss of what might have been and it winds up being quite a disservice to the adoptee that lands in their care.

Mothers who relinquish need honest information; not just the adulations of those who will profit from her TPR. She should spend hours with mothers of adoption loss, and adult adoptees; so that she will understand what she's commiting her and her baby's life to.

Further, no placement plan or adoption should take place until she has had 8-10 weeks to mother her baby. It's the least we do for puppies and kittens. HOW DO WE NOT AFFORD THIS SAME CURTESY TO OUR CHILDREN? Midwives and doulas could help the majority of mothers establish successful nursing relationships, and get their babies immune systems off to a healthy start.

Answer 10

The holdup is the National Council for Adoption. Their groups make huge money off adoption. Maternity homes are a horrible suggestion. They barely fed the mothers of the past. They were often tied to their beds and knocked out so that they could not see their children.

We need to get away from the thinking that women are merely breeders and children as property. If the Hague Convention and the U.N. can recognize us as human beings, then so can the US.

Take the money out of adoption. Make the adoption industry financially responsible for what they have done to the adoptees and mothers.
Make open adoptions legally binding on both sets of parents. It is for the benefit and best interest for children.
Make all adoptions open to the adoptee and his families.