had a conversation with my father the other day...?

Question

in which we discussed what it meant to have children and a marraige,i thought marraige was about two independent individuals that partner and nurture each other and help with the other's growth,to my father it is an obligation,i thought one should only have kids if one so desires it and really wants to love and nurture those kids,my father again sees it as an obligation so i said you shouldn't have kids if thats all they are to you, and he says '**** happens' now does this very much sound like he has said that his 'decision' or lack thereof to have children was a complete accident and mistake and wasn't planned for or is my imagination being funny?

he also said to me that if he was a selfish man he would be in a different country playing music and doing as he wishes,my mother doesn't know he said these things!now its not exactly the biggest profession of love for her now is it?is it me or has he just said that he would much rather be doing that then stuck with his family but since we are an obligation he does.

ive never felt close to him and he was abusive to me in childhood,do you think its worse for someone just to stick around when they are psychologically and emotionally vacant ?it sounds as though he doesn't love his family very much even for these things to be said!!

i suffer depression and have done since i was 8,and feel this obvious lack of love is the reason as to why

yeah my mother was not there and im thinking 'what an a-hole'

Answer 1

I don't think your imagination is being funny, but you should talk to him ... because you can give him a chance to explain something else to you ...

were you planed or not doesn't really matter that much ... whatever the reason was, he took responsibility (not many people do that these days) ... before he met you, before he saw you ... which is saying many nice things about him ... and the word turns round so many times once a child is born ... some guys are simply not brave enough to make that decision, to become a parent, but once it happens, they enjoy being dads more than they ever thought they would ... I'm sure your father loves you and it's nice that you can talk to him so openly.

Answer 2

Sounds as if your father is still hurt, did your mum leave? He had no right to say those things to you, you were never asked to be brought into this world and therefore your father should act a bit more selfless and wise up.

We can't all live in the past, maybe your father and you should go to Counselling, there seems to be lack of communication between ye and i believe that if ye both had to hear each others side of the story ye might feel differently bout each other.

But, i did not agree with your father saying those things to his daughter, that was very unfair of him. But like i said he may be just hurt. But i wish you the very best of luck and hope all works out for you.

Just remember, what you are feeling now well pass, live every moment as if its your last. Life is too short to stress and you deserve to be happy.

Live your life for you. Good luck x

Answer 3

'Obligated', a perfect word for him. He possibly learned that attitude from his father, ' you just go through life like dad did and that's the way it goes'. Your imagination wasn't being funny with you. He was just being (depressingly) honest. Good or bad he is your father. But you seem to have a much better attitude towards relationships and that's great. Feel good about yourself, try not to let what he said get you down. Your a better person than he. You have the capablity to live a much happier life.

Answer 4

My father died last year at the age of 84; he died of pneumonia. when his health started to fail a couiple of years before that, his tongue started to loosen.

My dad was born in the 1920s, and he was reared to expect to do his duty...whether he liked it or not.He told me that my mum was a selfish and demanding woman(no surprises there)and that in those days you got married for lots of reasons, love being the least of them! He said he'd got married for the sex! That in a Catholic country at that time, it was the only socially accepted way to have a sex life!

He also said that we were all unplanned, (there are 5 of us!), and that there were times when he felt that life could have been different for him if he had married someone else...but he had made his bed, and that it was a man's duty to look after his wife first and children second.

I never once heard him complain, I never saw him afraid of anything or anyone. He just got on with it.

And that is what love is. It's staying the course and doing what's expected of you, even when you don't want to/ you sound very critical of your father; when I was in my teens and twenties, I would have been too of mine. Don't take his words too seriously. Our parents have hopes and dreams too, just like us. Maybe his choices were limited when he was your age. You got married cos that's what everyone did. You had kids because it went with the marriage.

Of course parenthood is an obligation. most of us were too young and stupid when we had kids to realise how much of an obligation! What makes us parents is that we stayed and did the job.

Maybe your dad's choice of words wasn't ideal...but he is simply saying, I think that he had dreams too, just like you. don't be too hard on him.

Answer 5

very simply put.....IT'S up to the couple,if they should OR shouldn't have kids[hope they decide BEFORE MARRIAGE].And for the second part of your conversation-- I think you are reading too much into what he said.Maybe you've should have asked him ;what he meant by that statement!!!

Answer 6

he is nuts funny but many men feel like this as long as he was a good dad I wouldnt sweat it

Answer 7

He said this without your mother being around, didn't he?