Some back story: My mother has always been around to provide for me my entire life however during that time she has berated me for being who I am, talked down to me, kicked me out of the house, called me names and put me down on my looks. There were times it go so bad I considered suicide rather than living at home. When I was 19 she completed credit card offers in my name and charged 8K of debt that I have just paid off.
I finally got the nerve to pack all my things and leave 4 years ago. After moving out I was able to build up my confidence, get my own job and apartment with by boyfriend. I have slowly tried to rebuild my relationship with my mother but usually she just asks me for money.
Just recently my mom has taken ill. She is currently recovering and would like me to move in and take care of her...indefinitely. I absolutely do not want to move back in with her but I am guiltridden by saying no.
What should I do?
2007-10-06 16:10:54 · 37 answers · asked by Kai 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
My mom isn't dying. She just needs temporary care and rehabilitation and she will be fine. However, she will not do any of her exercises has declared that she will not go back to work and pretty much lays around and watches tv. If I don't move back in she will probably not want me around at all and most likely lose her home. Her personality has changed a little, she doesn't treat me as bad as she used to, probably b/c she needs me. My college counselor called her verbally abusive but I have never been able to refer to her in that way.
2007-10-06 16:33:21 · update #1
It wouldn't be a good idea for you to move in with her- she will most likely resume mistreating you. She may even become worse and use her illness as an excuse. What you can do is apply to get help from the government for her. There are programs that offer in home supportive services and other assistance for the ill. She may even qualify for social security disability and may be able to be put in a convalescent home on the goverment's dime. It's worth a shot to apply.
You need to take your own life into consideration now. If living with her might make you miserable you need to look at all your options and use living with her as a last resort. And trying to care for an ill family member is not something easily done alone. Try to find help or you'll suffer for it.
2007-10-06 16:20:29 · answer #1 · answered by smeelola 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It is true, your mother gave you life and so on but that is what parents do, or at least are supposed to do. If I understand correctly, you are about 23 years old, that would mean that your mother is in fact still quite young. What 50? Maybe 60 if she had you really late in life. So, unless she has a terminal disease she will easily live another 20/30 years, maybe even more.
You cannot give up your life now, a life that has barely begun, to move back in with your mother and be subjected to the same abuse as before. It seems to me that your mother has her own agenda and is quite selfish to even ask or expect that from her child. She doesn't even have the right to ask that much of you.
There are other ways you can be there for your mother, you can call her, visit her, take her to the doctor, if she needs to go, listen if she has a problem. But your mother has to respect the boundaries of your relationship.
My kids are about your age, and while I do hope that they will be there should I need their help because I'm sick or whatever, I would never allow them, to stop living just to take care of me.
2007-10-06 16:45:00 · answer #2 · answered by Llani 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When a family or 2 parties fell out both of them are to blame for your mom (hope you don't mind i say this) she shouldn't berated you for who you are or look down, call names on you even kick you out from the house but do you think that she did this purposely or she wants you to be better? And for you 19 years old owns a debt of 8K is very much all parents will get furious to hear that their child own a 8k debt especially those families which are poor! If you dont want to be guilty, regret in your whole life or dont want to move back the best think you can do it go back and take care of you dearest mom but not moving back 1 week maybe u can go a few times! i think your mom will be happy about it!=)
2007-10-06 16:23:34 · answer #3 · answered by vampirepolice999 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Don't give into her! If her illness isn't a life or death situation then I don't see why you should move in with her. She clearly made your life hell. What she did to you is unfair. You can choose to forgive her for all that she has done but you don't have to move in with her out of obligation. You are not responsible for her. She is responsible for herself. She sounds like someone I know who treats her daughter the same way, always asking for money and telling her how fat she is etc. You shouldn't have paid the credit cards. You should have taken her to court for that and made her pay. She should have done jail time for fraud. You have put up with enough. Don't move back in cause you will surely regret it. She doesn't care about you, she just wants your money. Go visit her now and then and if she asks for money walk away. You said you built your confidence etc, don't back down. Say NO and let her be. Good Luck!
2007-10-06 16:23:30 · answer #4 · answered by curious_boricua_soul 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
My Mom is blind & 87 and I'm looking after her.
Your mother has been having dementia problems for a very long time, I'm surprised you haven't taken her to a doctor for an evaluation.
Normal folks don't behave in this manner, it sounds as though your Mom might be Bi-Polar.
And apparently, you've never had the guts to stand up to her.
Your Dad either died or just got fed up with her antics, but no matter.
Tell her in no uncertain terms that there is NO money. Period.
If she was my Mom, I'd be there for her.
But I'm a very strong willed witch. And that can also be spelled with a "B".
2007-10-06 16:23:18 · answer #5 · answered by ♫ Bubastes, Cat Goddess♥ 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Be kind and compassionate -- after all, she is your mother.
However, given your previous experiences with your mother, I would not suggest moving in with her to take care of her. If your home life was troubled and your mother was inconsiderate, I don't know that things would be any better a second time around. You certainly should not feel guilty for saying 'no' to her request.
What can you do to help her without moving in with her? What other things/assistance does she need that you would be willing to provide? (Could you set aside one afternoon each week to spend time with your mother -- maybe help her with housework or take her grocery shopping or something? Just a suggestion.)
Don't abandon your mother, but don't abandon your own life either.
2007-10-06 16:21:45 · answer #6 · answered by gb_nina 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Listen dear---my mother fought about this when HER mother needed care....so she moved my grandmother in with HER... she had NO life, my grandmother was VERY demanding, the two of them NEVER got along and I finally had to come between them and my mother finally let my grandmother go to an ambulatory home for older adults---my grandmother needed people her own age around her.... If you move in with your mother---it will be deja vu all over again... people do NOT CHANGE...you would STILL be a wonderful daughter if you arranged for live in nursing care for your mother and arranged for the finances to pay for this care.... it will be well worth the cost of driving you INSANE by moving in with her again..it will make your last memories with her VERY BITTER and that is NOT how you want to remember your mother nor her YOU....I know what I'm saying---I have a mother who is JUST LIKE YOURS... I was deathly ill last year (still terminally ill now) and she came to "take care of me" for 3 weeks.... I wanted to KILL her by the time she went back home... if you didn't get along with your mom way back, TRUST me you won't now either regardless of how sick she is...
2007-10-06 16:29:01 · answer #7 · answered by LittleBarb 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
She's you mother, your own family. If i were you then i would help her. Show her that you still care and that you love her. When you go back, if she asks you for money, then tell her no. Try and bargain with her. Tell her that you will visit her but you need to have your own life. Don't move in but just say that you'll maybe stay a few days here and there. Like maybe eight days per two weeks. Tell her that you love her but like i said, you still need your own life.
2007-10-06 16:21:37 · answer #8 · answered by Krystiana K 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Help her as much as you can - maybe before work, on your lunch hour, after work. You can give her a few hours during the weekend, but I wouldn't move back in. You finally got a life and you shouldn't give it up now. You can still be there for her without moving in. Maybe besides you coming to she her, she can get a nurse through her insurance. Check into it. Good luck.
2007-10-06 16:19:31 · answer #9 · answered by kathy 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You should really help her b/c it is still ur mom no matter what. I would tell her that you will try and help her any way that you can but you cannot move in with her, because you also have ur own life. You need to do what u can for her while u still can, you don't want any regrets in the future.
2007-10-06 16:17:22 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋