What can I do about my fiance's guest list size, when his parents are telling us who to invite?

Question

During the summer we were told we didn't have to invite all of his cousins (he has over 20 aunts and uncles and 60 some cousins!). We only want 200 people at the wedding (that's the max at our venue, too) and his family alone takes 113 guests. We finally have our number of A-list invites below 250 people, but that's with none of his friends and most of mine taken off the list.
I feel bad because the friends that know us best aren't being invited, and his parents are "making" us invite all the cousins (they say "invite all, or invite none." But then they told us we had to invite all!). When we suggested a second reception for his family alone, they didn't want to do that since some of his family would then have two invites for things with our wedding. I don't get it!
My fiance feels really bad, and I haven't helped. I would rather plan and pay for (my family is paying) family and friends that know us and love us to celebrate with us. I'm not sure what to do next. Any thoughts?

Update:

I really like the idea of breaking the list down by 4 sets of 50.

Talked to my guy last night, and it sounds like it's a go!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

Answer 1

This is how a friend of mine handled her wedding: she had the exact same numbers as you, and here's how she broke it down-
Bride- 50 (friends, primarily)
Groom- 50 (again, friends primarily)
Brides parents- 50
grooms parents- 50

HER family paid for everything. Money talks, my dear-whomever writes the check gets to make the decisions.
My personal guest list for my wedding was 350- 175 for me and my family, 175 for him and his. MY family is paying for everything except the rehearsal dinner, so it's pretty much the bride's wedding. You need to pluck up some courage and say, "You know, I respect that you have your opinions and input, but you've already had your special day, so let me have mine".
Good luck!!!!

Answer 2

Don't invite cousins from either side of the family. This is a perfectly acceptable solution. His parents aren't paying for the wedding, they don't get a big say in the guest list. In fact they get to invite a total of 50 people. You and your fiance get to invite 50 each, your parents 50 and his parents 50. This is especially important since the venue won't hold more than 200. Your fiance needs to be a man and put his foot down.

Answer 3

Unless his family is paying, they don't really get that much of a say in who is invited. If there is a max amount of people allowed at the venue, that's all you can have. Make a list of your wedding party, officiant, etc, plus the friends and family that YOU both want there, and split the remainder of the guests between your family and his family, then sit down with them and discuss who you want to be invited. It'll suck, but you will have to tell his parents how it is. Just explain that you've already got the venue reserved, and you want your friends there. Good luck!

Answer 4

One of the replies had the two best ways to whittle down the guest list-the "and guest" clause, and kids. Are you inviting all kids, a certain age and up, or nobody under 18? I would say any kids under 13 who are not in the bridal party should not be invited. Also if it is a relative whom he has not spoken to in more than three years, I would say do not invite. That will be an easy way.

You need to stand up to the in-laws. I liked the formula of 50 for each of you, 50 for your family, 50 for his family. Your wedding is about a celebration of your love and having the people you are closest to celebrating with you.

Answer 5

There is an expression, "He who pays the piper calls the tune."

If your family is paying, then it's your choice not the choice of his family. This is your day, not theirs.

So I'd tell them straight, there is not enough room at the venue to hold his huge family. Therefore, some will not be invited. If they don't like that, then they need to cough up the considerable amount of extra money that would be needed to go to a larger venue and cater to the extra people.

Quite frankly, it seems like your fiance's family is being wholly unreasonable. To expect your family to invite and pay for such a massive group of people, even to the exclusion of your friends and his friends, is just beyond stupid and selfish.

The wedding day is for you, and your soon-to-be husband. It is not for his parents to dictate how your special day will be. I think you need to have a serious discussion about how far out of line they are, with your fiance and then confront them.

Also as the person below shouted, you really do need to get your in laws under control now. If you cave here you are setting the tone that they can just dictate what you and your husband do in the future. Once you get married you are going to have your own family. The influence of parents becomes much less. They need to understand and accept this. Because frankly the notion of them 'making' two adults invite people they dictate to a wedding is absurd.

Answer 6

Here's the thing ... it's your wedding! You should have people there that you want and that you know. Who is paying for it? And if the answer is you are or your family then more reason for you to be happy and invite whomever makes you happy.

I would let them know that unfortunelty as much as you would like to invite everyone that you are limited to 200 and that you would like for your close friends and family only to attend to celebrate YOUR wedding. Of course if they would like to have a seperate reception at later time than you would be happy to do so. But for now you have decided to keep it to close family and friends.
YOU need to speak to your fiance and have him also back you up on this so that they do not get him to try to change things around. Either way someone's fellings will be hurt but this is your wedding and celebrate it with the ones you love and care for best not the ones you don't know you.

Good Luck and Congrats!

Answer 7

Since your parents are the hosts, ask them to call his parents and apologize for being able to accommodate only 78 guests for them, and how soon can they have the revised guest list? If they can't or won't make the call, then you deliver the message. (A usual guideline for guest slots is 40% for his parents, 40% for hers, and 20% for the couple.)

One way to whittle down the guest list is by eliminating the "and guest" portion. People who can't manage a simple event like a wedding without a support person are people who don't deserve to have a social life. How are singles supposed to meet other eligible singles at a wedding, if everyone is instructed to bring a date?

Another is to eliminate children, or at least children that you seldom see and barely know. There is absolutely nothing incorrect about inviting the children of some guests and not those of others, based on that criteria. Neither is it incorrect to invite adults to an event and not concern yourself with their childcare arrangements. If they can't be bothered to arrange a sitter, then they don't want to attend very badly.

Your attitude with your in-laws should be apoletic, rather than outraged -- no matter how outrageous their demands may be. Keep telling them how sorry you are, how you wish you had better understood their plans before you had chosen your venue, how sorry you are you can't change your plans to accomodate 300 rather than 200 and so on. But you must continue to insist, apologetically but firmly, that you can't accept their list until they pare it down to 78 people. Be calm and polite, but do not let yourself be bullied.

Answer 8

You and the fiance need to take hold of this situation quick, before it gets worse!

Sit with him and decide how many of the family are really necessary to invite. Those who are immediate family like parents, grandparents, siblings. Then add your close friends. Whatever number is left to keep it at 200 is what you send to the extended family. DIvide it up between your family and his. If there are 100 invites left after immediate family &close friends, then his side gets to choose 50 & yours gets to choose 50.

It is very important that you are both together on this; that you are committed to this plan or it won't work!

Then, he alone tells his family that this is what you have both agreed on as a plan, and they need to give him the list of the 50 they want invited. He cannot give in! They may be angry, but too bad!

What they are doing to you both is emotional blackmail! If you give in to it at this stage of the game in your relationship, you will have to deal with it over and over again in the future. If you show a united front, they will soon get the picture that they can't run over the two of you to get their way!

Answer 9

First off Im not sure why people do this to themselves. Families get so worked up about inviting hoards and hoards of people to a wedding..... its crazy. What matters is how the new couple treats each other for the remainder of their lives and not the four hours of wedding time. Thats just a sliver of time which in the end doesnt really mean that much.
I would respectfully listen to them, give the cost for the number of people being invited, that it matters to you in the sense that you two dont want to hurt anyones feelings (including his parents because understand you have a long haul with them... trust me keep that in mind) BUT you wish that your close friends be invited too and start your list with them and THEN go to the cousins that you have had the most contact with and work your way on down that way. Another thing to keep in mind though. You can tell them and tell them to butt out of your wedding till you are blue in the face and if thats the type of people that they are they are going to be that way with other things too at times. Its who they are. Im not saying that in a negative way... its just who they are. And you are going to have to live and work with them for the remainder of your life hopefully. Your relationship with his family (parents and cousins etc) is very very important. It will be so much easier stress wise for you and him. So if its looking like this is going to be a heated battle...... do the best you can with what you have.. and have a huge party for your friends later.... they would love it. Share your pics and all that. Friends understand. PLUS, and this is a big plus.... you wont have to get pulled here and pulled there for pics etc while your friends are there. Half of the time you really dont get to vist with them anyway because you are constantly getting pulled here and there for all of the wedding drama. The party with your friends may just be the ticket... and you two can have a blast with it. Good luck with it.

Answer 10

i have recently gone through the same thing...What we ended up doing is simply stating to them that we want an intimate wedding and reception. When that wouldn't work we told them that since we were paying for the wedding and reception and were trying to start a life together we couldn't afford to have an excessive amount of people to pay for. And if that doesn't work tell them that yous have split the guest list in half between your two families and your reception venue has a max. capacity at two hundred people and any over will have to be refused at the door because of state law. Also to make it up to those that were not on the guest list you could schedule a future self-paying party at a bar or somewhere of the like for well wishers to meet you out so that you may enjoy the pleasure of there company. Then extend your sincerest applogize (they are after all your future in-laws) and thank them for their enthusiasm but tell them you truely wish&need them to respect your wishes not only for you but to relieve any awardness with your hall on the day of your wedding.