Why Won't He Propose?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 16 months. I am almost 24, he is 28. We recently moved in together and are very much in love. We both have steady, good paying jobs that we enjoy. He talks about a future with me (buying a house, having kids, a wedding). We had even opened a joint account for paying bills and saving some $ for a house. He had mentioned dates of possible proposals....but they have all come and went. (HE mentioned the dates in MAY). He planned a beautiful vacation to California for us and I thought it could maybe happen there...but it didn't. I don't bug him or really ask about when or if its going to happen because I don't want to pressure him.

My dad (being the old fashioned Italian dad) asked him recently what his intentions are with me. He said he wants to marry me someday. HIS friends also asked him while we were moving "So are you going to propose to her, or what?" (ALL of his friends are married or engaged also). He told them yes.

He's already told me, that he's not going to have some big thing planned out...he said he is basically going to decide to do it one day and just wing it. (Which is fine - I don't need a big showy proposal...I just want to be able to spend the rest of my life with him...as his wife, not live-in-girlfriend, who gets to play the role of wife).

He knew from the start that I really would have liked to be engaged before moving in together. I just don't understand why he is dragging his feet with this? Its not like he's waiting because he's planning some big thing (which is fine) or for a romantic moment...he's already missed a TON. He's not waiting to save $ for a ring (he already has plenty of that to spend on a ring (his words....not mine), and I DONT want an expensive one anyway - and he knows that).

I am just getting tired and frustrated with being disappointed about potential dates and events (THAT HE MENTIONED) that come and go with NO proposal.

For instance, he said he'd like to maybe do it at a baseball game (since I am a BIG fan). He took me to a game for our anniversary (although the game was several months after the anniversary)- the announcers at one point said..."Its proposal time.." and on the screen came a proposal (obviously NOT for me) - at which point my heart just sank. I don't want to wake up like 2 years from now and STILL not be engaged after living with him for that long (because I know the years can go by quck - I was in a six year relationship before this with no engagement either - in which I heard the "I'm going to propose to you" lines as well). Any insight?

PS- No - I don't just want to get engaged so I can be in the spotlight or be a "princess for a day" (I don't even want a big wedding - which he knows).

I don't see myself as rushing anything....He is the one giving me potential dates...then NOT proposing....How am I supposed to feel????

BTW - I mentioned in the post that I WAS in a six year relationship prior to this one (with no proposal)....so I know what it is like to wait. I just think that at 28 years old...he should know what he wants by now....and NOT play with my feelings

Answer 1

Its time to sit down with him and tell him your expectations, you have evry right to do this. If he doesnt give you an answer that is firm, then you need to realy begin making an exit from your relationship. First thing you should close that joint account or at least dont deposit anything into it any longer (you shouldnt have done a joint account until after marriage anyway, that wasnt a very smart move) Then you need to get yourself out of that apartment. This is the #1 reason why proposals and marriage doesnt happen after the move-in, because why should he marry you, you are already his wife without the legalities of marriage, its the perfect situation for him.
If he hems and haws during your talk, you know its time to go, he wont be marrying you in a timely fashion. And isnt it better to ask now what his intentions are and get a FIRM plan (not a I think I am going to do it soon like you have been getting) rather than let him dance around the subject leading you on and wasting your time on him?

Talk to him now, you have already made some unwise decisions, and you may have to take this as a lesson learned for the future, but dont let him lead you on as he is doing now. Set your time limit (no more than 3 or 4 months) and tell him that after the time passes, if there is no ring on your finger, a date set and plans well underway, you will be out the door. But be sure to begin planning your exit now, its easier to get out of new arrangments later than to leave all at once with no plan.

Good luck.

Answer 2

If you read what you wrote yourself you will be able to answer your own question. I say for one thing drop the joint account. He can take all the money out and leave you. You should not have joint accounts until married. End that now. You pay bills and he pays bills, no joint anything until married. I say dump the jerk. If he can't decide in year and a half if he wants to marry you or not why are you wasting your time with him. Date him and anyone else you want. He apparently does not want you to be his exclusive girl. If he did he would have made the move toward a more serious relationship by now. Move out of the house and get your own appartment and tell him that you have decided " he is right". You both can't decide your future. Let him know how you feel. Until he is serious you should not live with him. Tell him you feel like a "kept woman". A sex object. Tell him to find some one else willing to do this. Tell him this is not for you. Tell him you do not feel loved in any way living like this. Live with a girlfriend, go out and have fun. See if he changes his mind then. Give him the date you are moving out, say in three weeks. Don't wait for him to propose, you will be 40 and unmarried and regret it. Maybe even with a couple of kids you don't need. Don't do it. Be smart, Dad is right, what are his intentions?? You should be the one to know. I say dump the jerk and find a real man to have fun with and someone who will appreciate you for the woman you are. A good Italian Girl with a brain. Someone who will love you in return, something this jerk is incapable of doing. Good Luck

Answer 3

I'm 25 and my bf is 25. We moved in together at the first of the year, so it's been about 10 months that we've been living together. We've been together 18 months (tomorrow!). We've also been through about 5 times as much as most couples that have been together that long, including his open heart surgery, his mom's passing, his aunt's passing, his father's remarriage and my mom finding out that her cancer spread to her liver.
We've looked at rings (in February), and talked about getting married quite a bit. The reason he hasn't proposed is because he's not financially ready to propose, because he's not financially ready to get married. He's a graduate student, and makes about 20 grand a year. He won't be able to afford anything for at least 3 years, because that's when he'll finish his PhD.
You've only been together for 16 months. I would wait for 2 years before thinking ultimatums and whatnot. Don't rush into marriage, it's not worth it. Ask yourself if he's worth the wait. If he says he wants to, then he wants to. If you want, start leaving some hints around your place, like jewelry catalogs and wedding magazines, but those aren't exactly subtle hints. I've considered being a wedding planner and I helped my friend plan her wedding not long ago, so my bf is used to that stuff lying around.
Anyway, don't stress for a while. I bet you'll be engaged before 2 years.

Answer 4

Anyone who suggests you move out is right on par. I could not for the life of me get my husband to set a date. He was back and forth, refused to make decisions, etc. We were living together and had a joint account. Why bother marrying right?

I moved out, got my own apartment, kept our joint account (he and I trust each other not to take another person's money and it was a way to move money around if need be), and put him on the spot. Three and a half months after I left, we decided to marry. He saw I wasn't about to deal with his crap nor was I going to play pseudo-wife while he flittered around.

In my opinion, you're seriously trying to rush things. Why? You haven't even been together a year and a half. What is your hurry? If you two are meant to be together then you can wait another year or even two to three years. I simply don't see why you're so quick to race to the altar. Slow down, give him time, and consider moving out and standing on your own two feet. When you're BOTH ready then make a move. Until then, enjoy your relationship as it is and stop trying to force something he's not ready for.

EDIT:

You think he SHOULD be ready by 28? Sweetie, my husband is 39, I'm 26. He was NEVER married before me. I understand you don't think you're rushing but look, at 24 and only in the relationship for 16 months you have plenty of time. He's either leading you on in some sick, cruel joke, or just isn't as ready as you had hoped. He might even be thinking only 16 months is still too soon which is why he keeps going back on his promises. Just slow down for awhile and see what happens.

Answer 5

maybe thats his whole plan, after ur depressed and down in the dumps he may surprise you and propose! Or maby he is scared just because he lives with you and you both are practically married already doesnt mean he isnt scared, it may be just that. Or lol he may feel fine just where he is at and doesnt want anything to change, maybe just throw a few proposal dates out there for you just to make you happy but when the time comes he makes an excuse or doesnt mention it. If you truly love him you can wait and stop being selfish, its a commitment that will last for the rest of your lives. Or maybe he is selfish, who knows . maybe an ultimatum would work . . . like marry me or im moving out if he doesnt realize whats right in front of him and that he may lose it if thratened . . . . . im sure he will propose

Answer 6

Wow, I have to say, your situation sounds very difficult to deal with. Who knows why men do or don't do what they do. Maybe he has an underlying commitment issue. He might have a fear of divorce or maybe he thinks things are going great now, so why fix it if it isn't broken.

I think that it is time to give him an ultimatum. It sucks, I know. It would be great if men in reality behaved like the romantics we think they should be. But realistically speaking, if marriage is important to you, and you love him, you need to speak up. And letting him really know how strongly you feel is the most important thing you can do for yourself and your relationship. No one is responsible for your happiness but you. And life is too short to sit around and wait for him to make up his mind when he is going to propose.

A friend of mine was living with her boyfriend for 7 YEARS before she finally told him that if they didn't get married then it was going to be over - one week later he proposed. Apparently, it was a wake up call for him, and they were married last summer and couldn't be happier. I don't think you want to wait 7 years, do you?

And if it doesn't work, then honestly (and I hate to use cliches), it wasn't meant to be. And it would be better to learn this now, rather than wait to find out later.

Answer 7

Oh Why or why aren't you young women listening? The first mistake you made was moving in with him. Why should he marry you or propose when you are living as man and wife already? Don't you girls ever learn? I've answered this question so many times that I am tired of it. He'll talk about the future into the future of 2015. My suggestion is for your Italian father to request a talk with him and ask him his intentions. You have the perfect excuse. You have an old fashioned Italian father and he is not happy with the arrangement and wants to know your boyfriend's intentions. That is my advice to you.

Answer 8

YOu already put yourself in a bad position by playing the role of wife.... moving in, opening a bank account together. You made several mistakes. Why should he buy the cow if he gets the milk for free, right? Or maybe he's thinkig he's building it up and wants to suprise you in a big way.

Who knows?

You can just be patient or move on. That's all you can do.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Give an ultimatum- but not to him, to yourself! Tell yourself, that he has 6 months, a year, 18 months, whatever time frame you choose. If he hasn't proposed by then, you propose. If he says he is not ready yet, there is your answer.

Pick a time frame that you designate, as "if he isn't ready by then, he never will be, because I am, and this is my life too."

It sounds like he wants to be the one in control. He decides when the engagement will be, he plans the vacation, etc.

You don't have to pressure him, but it is your life too and you have a say.

Answer 10

Listen honey, I can't get into your boyfriend's mind nor I can tell you what it means. But all I know is if you do really love him, you just need to learn how to be patient. Did it ever occured to you that he may feel a bit pressured anyway? You don't want him to feel that way, right? So, I gotta say just go with the flow, and when the time is right. Your boyfriend will likely propose to you on the act of his feelings, not when he feels he has to. You probably feel ready, but he may not feel ready just yet despite of all the talk you've both had. So, take it slow, and let him do it when the time is right and when he's ready. Don't you agree?