Senior night at step-daughter's sports game where parents walk out with their daughters and are announced. I found out when I got to the HS that she did not put my name in and my husband (her dad) and his ex-wife (her mom) would be the ones announced. The other senior had her mom and dad and their respective spouses (her step-parents) announced. I was crushed. I thought my step-daughter and I had a good relationship over the years and to find out she doesn't want me in her life by not including me in this event really hurt me deeply. And, in front of people I know who are probably wondering what kind of bad step-mother I am that she isn't proud to say I'm her step-mom. My husband hasn't said anything to her yet. He thinks I should talk to her too. Will it do any good or will I get a bunch of lies? I have no desire to go where I'm not wanted so I feel that I should just stay away from future events since it's clear that she doesn't want me around. How should I handle this?
2007-10-06 02:58:56 · 10 answers · asked by Danushka 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I have 2 step-sisters, and while they had decent a relationship with my mom when we were growing up, they never would have included her in something like this. I don't think that is right, but that is just how they are. They even went as far as not letting their dad walk me down the aisle at my own wedding because he hadn't walked with them yet...and he was my only father figure! You need to talk to your step-daughter about this or have your husband speak to her. You may get a reasonable explanation for it instead of lies. But be prepared...she may have just wanted her birth parents with her at that time. And as much as that may hurt, and as much as I do not agree with it, she is allowed to feel that way. Be sure to ask her to inform you of things like this that may happen so that you are not taken by surprise in the future.
2007-10-06 03:10:48 · answer #1 · answered by kamikaze 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Hmmm, what a difficult situation. I would stop trying to do things to get her to like you. Your husband should also sit down and explain to her that you are his wife and you two are a team and you are all a family and she will have to get used to it. It helps enormously when your husband is on your side. I also don't think you or your husband should tolerate her insulting you. If she can't say anything nice, your husband should send her to her room. She is more than welcome to speak about her feelings in a constructive way, but constantly stating that she hates you and you've ruined her life is not productive. Other than that, you may have to take a step back and wait it out. There is no magic formula for making your step kids like you. Try reading some books, especially StepMonster. Best of luck to you!
2016-04-07 07:18:42 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand that you are upset. She may have wanted to include you but was afraid to offend her mother so she didn't. Teenagers are still going through the logic and reasoning phases of their brain development and it will not fully get there until their 20's. This is psychologically proven. She probably wrestled around with it in her head and came up with the answer that she felt was best. If her relationship with you is as good as you say then she thought that you would understand. This is proof of the logic and reasoning not quite being developed yet. Don't be too hard on yourself or her. Just sit down and talk to her and let her know that you are upset but you love her and will always be there for her. It will all work out.
2007-10-06 03:08:29 · answer #3 · answered by firemouse23 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If it was parents to be announced and both of your step-daughter's parents were at the event... then it's only natural that she listed her parents on the announcement. This is not a contest... it's a young girl recognizing her parents.
I don't think you have anything to worry about other than a little jealous streak. It's obvious you care about your step-daughter and likewise, she cares about you... (judging from your remark that you felt you both had a good relationship).
I'm a step parent myself, and I can tell you that this has nothing at all to do with your relationship with your step-daughter. This is about you feeling a little left out.
It's rarely a perfect scenerio when step parents are involved in the lives of their spouse's children. It sounds like you should be counting your blessings that you don't have to deal with a retaliating step-child as is the case in many situations.
It undoubtedly took a lot of effort on your part to create a good relationship with your step-daughter. Is that worth jeopardizing just because of a little hurt feelings?
No I don't think your step-daughter "hates you." And I don't think any "confrontation" would benefit you... it just might put some unwanted stress on your relationship with your step-daughter. Don't put her in the position of having to defend her actions just because you're not dealing with feeling left out well.
Also putting your husband in a position of having to take sides with you or his daughter will definitely not have a good affect on your marriage.
Instead of being defensive yourself, be content in the fact that you have a strong family relationship. Like me, you're one of the lucky ones! Personally, I'm so happy I don't have to deal with the horror stories I've heard about step-families.
Continue to support your step-daughter in everything she does... the end result is that you will be a positive part of her life and she will someday grow up to be grateful for your presence in her life.
2007-10-06 11:00:25 · answer #4 · answered by Deadrea 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should be a grown up and let it go. For whatever reason, teens do weird stuff. If you thought you had a good relationship, then you do. That's all that's important. She doesn't have to prove it by having your name announced at a sports event. In the long run, in the course of your life, while its alittle hurtful, it doesn't matter. Tell her that you are proud of her and take the high road.
2007-10-06 03:04:30 · answer #5 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't think she hates you.. maybe she thought that her mother would feel left out or think the same thing you're thinking right now(!)
And don't worry what people say or think.. they are thinking what they want whenever the want anyways!
Do not go and pressure her or nag her, especially how she is a teen... THEN she might really go and hate you... considering the fact that this is the only thing that bothers you I think that she is acting naturally around you most of the time...
Keep in mind that teenagers don't always know what the etiquette says ok?
2007-10-06 03:22:32 · answer #6 · answered by lievedebs 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please dont jump to any conclusions...It's hard for all kids when they have divorced and remarried parents....i'm sure she loves you very much!
Maybe she wanted to include her Mother and Father but maybe she wanted to include you as well but there are only so many spots to fill.
I don't know what sort of relationship you have you her birth mother...maybe she put some sort of pressure on your step daughter to include her.
I would give it some time and ask very gently. I'm sure she loves you but felt a certain responsibility to include her mother...
Don't let it get you down too much!
You can also suggest to spend some time bonding...like shopping and a little lunch and ice cream. See how that goes....Dont worry about the ice cream being childish...we all love ice cream and its fun!
Good luck!
2007-10-06 03:07:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
have u thought about this ... maybe she does love you and respects you but for 1 night she wanted to celerbrate with her father and her mother with no one getting into a big ordeal over it... maybe she was also thinking of her mothers feelings too. you sound like a cool step mom and im sure she loves you but think of the whole event not just ur feelings. as for u having friends around and they might think ur a terrible person. if they truely know u then they know ur a good person...theres somethings that just the parents will be around for and as a step parent u have to respect that... like weddings, birth of grandchildren. its not that they want to hurt u. but think that u will understand. talk to her. bet she tells u the same thing
2007-10-06 04:32:00 · answer #8 · answered by kitttkat2001 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She does NOT hate you. You do have to understand that she is honoring her parents who have spent most of her years raising her. How many consecutive and attending years do you have vested in this child? These OTHER step parents might have had years of joint custody, with many days and years vested equally and peacefully.
I don't know your situation, but even so, it comes to loyalty issues. As a parent, I would say that you shouldn't look at what the other kid's have done, and don't be jealous of what they have and you don't. We all get according to what our Heavenly Father deems right.
2007-10-06 03:19:11 · answer #9 · answered by Xanadu 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should let it go.
Kill her with kindness..
she'll come around.
don't confront her.
2007-10-06 03:04:07 · answer #10 · answered by cabsleeper 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋