Do I expect too much?

Question

We've been married for nearly a year and we're expecting our first, so I know my hormones are all crazy right now. I'm totally in love with him, but I think I'm too clingy. But lately I've just been realizing that he doesn't really talk to me. By that, I mean that he doesn't share with me all the funny things that happen to him at work, or what happens while he's not with me. I feel like I tell him everything, but he really doesn't share anything with me. I also feel like I depend on him more than he depends on me. For me, he is my best friend and I tell him so often. When he has days off from work, I feel hurt when he has other things to do that he enjoys because I feel he should want to spend that time with me. I don't mean to be so selfish, I just love spending time with him more than anything else. He does spend time with me, but sometimes I feel like I'm just here. Like something he just comes home to. Not something appreciated. Is it typical for men to be so private?

Basically, what I'm saying is that I feel like I'm not so important to him because he never tells me anything of the sort beyond that he loves me. Sometimes I feel like playing video games, hunting, fishing, etc. are a higher priority to him than myself. He never does anything special for me, or tells me how much I mean to him. Despite it all, we do get along, other than the typical little arguments. I do know that he loves me, I would just like for him to go beyond saying 'I love you' sometimes. I'd like to know how other peoples' relationships with their better half compare to mine. Also, any advice would be appreciated!

Answer 1

I just think he's being a guy, and you're being a girl. It all sounds perfectly normal.

If you have needs that he isn't meeting you have a couple of choices . You can tell him specifically and kindly what you need. Not "you never talk to me !", but try "i'm feeling a bit lonely, could we talk to each other about what we did today". You have to be very specific with men when telling them what you need, and you have to tell them often.

He's still making the transition into married life and it doesn't sound like he's doing too badly. He does have all those outside interests, now here's an important question.. do YOU have any outside interests? If not, you need to find something, especially as you have a baby coming, you'll go stir-crazy otherwise. Once the baby is born you'll be busy, but you need to get him a little more tuned in before it happens, so you don't end up doing all the parenting while he has fun.

Ask for precisely what you want. Get some outside interests.

Answer 2

Honestly, a great many guys just find it easier to relax by playing video games, fishing, etc, than by talking and being with people.

Women on the other hand, tend to find it more relaxing to be with friends.

It's just one of those things, so please don't think it means he doesn't value you.

However, that does not mean that you should let your marriage slide into a series of lonely evenings and weekends with hubby and you sitting in different rooms and never talking.

One of the first things to do is try and have some sort of space in the day for friendly conversation.

Maybe when he gets home from work, the two of you could have a cold drink or a coffee together? Does he enjoy neck rubs? If so, you could spend five minutes giving a neck rub or having one from him, before dinner every night.

Right now it's a little hard maybe to have an evening walk together, but if that's possible, it's always a good time to spend together.

Try to find half an hour in every day just to spend with each other. It doesn't have to be full of words, sharing silence is also really important.

It will be good for the two of you to have your own space when baby comes, too!

Talk to him and let him know you're feeling a little vulnerable right now and need some extra attention, but that you'd also like to make a habit of sharing time together, free from other people and distractions, because you value him and his company.

And please, find a hobby or activity for yourself that doesn't involve him AT ALL! Then YOU'LL have some conversation, too that's not just about the house, the kids, ec.

Most of all, have fun and enjoy each other's company. You don't know ever how long you've got, so make the most of it!

Best wishes and all good fortune for your new addition to the family :-)

Answer 3

You don't expect too much, you are just expecting it from the wrong person. Ask yourself if you are the same person he married? Were you clingy then? Did you occupy his mind every waking moment then? I doubt it. It sounds like you are relying on him for everything you need. You need to rely on yourself. If you can learn to make yourself happy again he will start seeing the woman he married. Do you have girlfriends? Hobbies? A passion? Everyone in a marriage needs space. Make your own space so that he can do the things that he enjoys without feeling guilt. Let go a little. By doing this he will stop seeming so "private" and probably be more interested in you. It will spark something. Being so needy and putting guilt trips on him is turning him off. You should certainly make time as a couple but don't expect him to be in your face every waking moment. Who wants that???? You have a new baby on the way, you guys are about to go through a huge adjustment. Get yourself focused on being a little more independent now and the adjustment will be much smoother. Keep in mind, men don't make us happy they only add to our happiness. Find what makes you happy and let him share it with you. Do the same for him! Good luck :)

Answer 4

Listen.... While tipically men need space... I feel that your husband is not doing his full share into the relationship.

I think you should talk to him and tell him exactly that... That you feel unappreciated, like he doesn't share much with you, and that you need him to show his love and affection in more ways than just the usual "I love you" he gives you.

You have to make sure you let him know that you DO appreciate the time he spends with you and the times that he tells you he loves you. But that women are different from men, and that sometimes we need a little extra too.

About you being too clingy, I'm sorry to tell you, but yes, that's unhealthy.

It seems like you're even a bit jealous that he has hobbies and that you don't, therefore, maybe that's why you want to spend all of your time with him.

I know this one is obvious... But, get hobbies too... Your life shouldn't revolve around your husband, it's unhealthy, and sometimes it can even end up rotting a wonderful relationship.

At 1st probably it'll be hard for you to enjoy your hobbies because most likely you'll still be thinking about wanting to spend your every waking moment with your husband, and thats normal because, maybe for more than a year, that's been your only way of thinking... But after that period, the only thing you'll miss, is when you won't be able to spend time with your hobbies (I tell you from experience).

You'll see that, with time, even your husband will start missing you, and he'll want to know about your hobbies, maybe therefore, sharing more about his with you.

I'm telling you, because I used to be like that with my current BF, and now that we've been a year together, I really don't feel the need to be with him ALL the time, and therefore I see us getting along easier. I know he loves me... So, I feel safe to go and do stuff on my own without worrying.

I had to come to this point because I was suffocating our relationship, and for some periods, he did too, so we just had to learn from mistakes and find a healthy middle.

Good luck and blessings for you and your new baby!

Answer 5

Was he like this before the marriage, or has he changed since? With a new baby on the way he may just be overwhelmed by the reality of the responsibility. Or you may be overwhelming him with your neediness. Try to back off a bit, and remember that men are not comfortable talking about feelings. In any case, once the baby arrives he or she will get all your attention and your husband will have the luxury of feeling neglected.

Answer 6

You need to give your man some space. It is not that he doesn't want to share, he could be tired from work. Maybe you should find something to do to occupy your time.

When i was pregnant with my first, my hubby was always out with his friends. So, what i did was read some pregnancy book, decorate the baby's room, i even sew a pillow case for her. And when i needed to do some exercise, i'll get my mom to go for an evening walk in the park with me. Thanks to mom!

What i'm saying is have your own plans. Don't depend on your husband. Whatever comes from him take it as a bonus. You feel better that way.

Answer 7

First off you need a life outside of just your husband (as it sounds like he has). It is not healthy to be so co-dependent on a person. It also sounds like he is your ONLY friend, not just your best friend.
Besides right now, with the new baby on the way, he's stressed out and probably a little scared. Plus he won't be able to do as much hanging out after the baby is born, so let him get his fill now.

Answer 8

I got your point. Sometimes men typically likes to be alone or with their buddies playing golf, fishing...etc. It is quite normal since ages of time men are the one hunting for food while the wife is in the house caring for the newly born.

While not invite the two of you with the kids, in an out of town trip. How about your nearest relative in Ohio perhaps while on the way stop by a hotel for some evening of relaxation of listening to jazz music in the lobby of the hotel, and if the kids are of course in the separate rooms, dive in the hotel bathroom and simmer yourself with the flora and fona cologne bath perfume and make love to your husband who is by the way writing something in his lop-top for the next meeting in the office. Coming out of the bathroom naked "hey tiger, wanna spend time with me...?" Then he look at you and his eyeglasses fell off, thrilled and amazed. You made love for the whole 4 hours or so, by the time you both ready to go tomorrow you still felt the tingle of it in your toes. Try it.

Answer 9

when he comes home from work, give him 20 minutes to "land". do not start peppering him with questions about his day at work and do not go into gory detail about every burp you have had during the day. most men do not want to relive the day at work when they get home, it is over. just sit quietly with him, let him cuddle with you and just "be home". he will talk when given the opportunity.

I am getting a divorce after 5 years because coming home was like walking into a verbal machine gun loaded with demands. no matter how many times I asked for a few minutes of down time I never got it. Now I have loads of it and love it.

Answer 10

You cannot make him your whole life. You each need time apart from one another (absence makes the heart grow fonder). You are two lives sharing, not half of one life. If you smoother him, you will drive him away. How would you feel if your mother was with you 24/7, never leaving your side? Does she love you less for not doing that?