What should i do with a lying husband?

Question

My hubby has lied to me about various things, from big to small. Lately, I just newly discovered that he has opened a private bank account (just for himself) and he didn't mention it at all. I am not strict on him when it comes to money, but i do remind him about our budget at times. He had promised me no more lies in the marriage, but he's done it again. I love this man, but it hurts so much when i can't trust him. We've been married for 3 years and have 2 children together. It's not easy to just leave it and move on. What should I do???

Answer 1

I know how you feel. I have gotten lied to a lot in the past. Do you think maybe he opened the bank account for something special? It's hard to surprise your spouse if they know exactly what/when/where you're spending your money. I found out that after I accused my boyfriend for lying to me it was because he was planning something special and I screwed it up. (That sucked a lot, lol..)

Anyway, I think the most productive thing you could do is just talk to him about it. You can either get serious and sit him down and say "Hey, we need to talk. This is important to me and I feel like you're keeping things from me. I dont mind that you do things on your own but it would be nice to know what's going on instead of being stuck in the dark about it and having to always guess." Or... You could just be casual about it and during a movie or tv show that kindof brings up your situation and just joke about it and then try to get him talking about what's going on in his life.

Of course I dont know your personality type or how you act around him, etc. etc. That plays a big part in something like this...

That's all I can think of for you at the moment. Im really sorry, you dont even know how much I understand what you're going through. It sucks.



EDIT:
Okay I just read through some of the other answers and I'm sorry but divorcing isnt always the answer. It's BS. When ever a couple gets in a bind all they do is divorce and move on. If society keeps going on with this "trend" by the time we hit 2050 marriage isnt even going to mean anything anymore -- and I'm totally serious, I've been reading psych studies about it. People shouldnt divorce just because of a bump or even a freaking mountain in the road. Work things out. Do it for your children. My parents got divorced and it really messed my brother and I up. Marriage is for life -- end of story. If you dont think you can handle that person for life then you're not marrying for the right reasons. Sure people change. But not always for the worse. It may be different than what you people are used to but the whole point of a marriage is to WORK TOGETHER. Not just hang out, have a few kids then divorce whenever you fight. I only think you should divorce people when you REALLY cannot live with the person anymore. I mean if you cant stand them then leave, if they abuse you then leave, if they cheat on you and you cant work it out leave.

Jesus guys... think about it a bit.

Answer 2

I think you need to work out why he is lying; not just about the bank account but about all the other things. Does he lie because he doesn't want a scene about something, or maybe he lies because it's easier than trying to explain something. He may think you give him a hard time over what he considers to be little things,. Or maybe it makes him feel better, who knows? But I think it is time you found out why.
The bank account may not be as alarming as it first appears: he may just want to put money aside for emergencies or something. If he had savings before you married and he doesn't now, he may just feel insecure about that.
I don't think you should be jumping on the divorce bandwagon straight away. If you can find the reasons for him lying, you can work together at eliminating those reasons and rebuilding some trust.
Try some counselling before the problem gets any bigger between you.

Answer 3

I think you need to plan a nice, quiet evening for the two of you and calmly and respectfully ask the man what his intentions are.

Let him know that you value the financial security of your family, and that splitting finances when your kids are little is Very, Very expensive.

If his intention is to separate himself financially, then you two need to figure out how the children are to be covered.

Let him know what child support will cost him.
Let him know that he's responsible for half the daycare costs, too.

Let him know you love him, but that you are not his doormat.

If his long term goal is to split up, then aim for that. You don't need separate households to be separated. And, like I said, the kids are small, separate households is going to cost a fortune.

Make sure he starts practicing for shared parenting. Ideally, when they are this small, short shared periods of time are good. So, switch off days with the kids. You have them one day, he has them one day. Make it very clear that the every other weekend 96 hours a month plan is not for your kids. It's hard now, but girl, you are going to need the break.

So, have him practice shared parenting, however you set it up. Maybe he'll learn some respect. Maybe he'll start to value the gift of his Family. If not, then he'll be trained when he does go.

Take your name off any joint debts, accounts. put the car in the shop and keep it in good running order, do what You need to do in a day, step back, and Objectively Observe.

He's sent the message. Now see how you respond. Argueing and criticizing are just going to reinforce distance. So, no more negatives.

Once he has his instructions regarding how shared parenting is going to go, stick to your guns and have No More Conversation. You aren't offering options. You got no option on the separate bank account, he gets no option on parenting.

From then on only speak positives, treat his days as if you know it's his day. Go to the movies, go see your mom, take some time in the park alone. Whatever, just make sure he understands: tonight they're your responsibility. Practice.

Do establish a routine of dinner, baths, and bed for the children. This will allow for some down time at night, and can be consistently followed by either parent (in their own best interest.) Agree to have the house settled by,say, 8:00 so there is some down time.

You worked together big time to get married and to where you are now. Work together to make the split as painless as possible for everyone involved.

Tell him, respectfully, how this is going to go and implement it. He doesn't get to say No. Just do it.

Maybe he'll catch on. Maybe not. At least you won't end up in financial ruins.

Answer 4

Leaving a man over a character flaw (excepting adultery) isn't right. Divorce is the "end that never does." It causes a lot more harm than good, and the hurt you feel over his lying doesn't compare to the years of hurt you'll feel over a divorce.

Why does he lie? Is it a bad habit he's had for years? Or is there a reason he feels a need to lie?

If I was you, I'd call him on every one. Not in a mean, angry way, but in a way that let him know I was hurt and disappointed. It's a fact that women civilize men. A man will rise to meet his wife's expectations -- or drop to meet them. It sounds like he has a lot of growing to do.

Answer 5

one lie will lead to another. it becomes harder to keep up with the lies.
marriage is a partnership, and if honesty is absent from that partnership what is the point.
i am sure there are some things that go on behind your closed doors that you did not mention in this forum.
every problem has a solution...you just have to find it.
commitment is a 2 way street. seek explanations in the most adult rational way you can. sometimes it takes a third party to see it another way.
there must be some reason your husband has been dishonest.
reevaluate your relationship and see what happens from there.
although itis hard to remain emotionless, try to remain calm and adult. remember the kids are watching.

good luck....

Answer 6

Do you actually love him or the image of what you think a husband should be? If trust and lying are mixed in the relationship, how can love survive? If the meaning of love is caring for another individual as much as you care for yourself, and then living under the influence of lies is mixed in,.... how can that be love? These are all questions that have easily understood answers.

Answer 7

For a few days from now, start ignoring him when he is at home, be silent & alert whwn he speaks something which will lead to something fishy in his mind. do not respond to any of his acts for a few days. This will always make all men to try & come to a situation wherein they will bow down & start giving more time, more attention indirectly allowing truth regarding all his time utilization & acts. Please do not take any strong steps because u have two children to think about . Everything will be fine in a couple of days.

manoj

Answer 8

for all the people saying once a liar always a liar I disagree..and to the ones who are telling you to get divorced...thats not their place..no one should ever encourage a divorce unless the situation is dangerous for you or your children, and especially not anyone from the internet who doesnt know your situation personally.

my advice would be to talk to your husband and let him know how it makes you feel when he lies..tell him that you need trust in your relationship..if you go to church set up a meeting with your minister..its cheaper than marriage counseling and having someone elses educated input can't hurt.

hope things get better soon

Answer 9

he is under pressure to be perfect by the sounds of it.
let him have his account he probably feels its the one thing he can call his very own.
Stop being such a controlling woman and if you love him then juts do that.
I have been in a similar situation but realised that my husband had felt that he had 'lost' himself in being a husband a dad a taxi driver a money supplier and in the end there was nothing left of him anymore.
This is something that as women we also go thru we become wifes & mums and a bit of us gets lost on the way
just be supportive of him let him have a bit of time to himself let him go fishing, golfing what ever his thing is give him room to breathe and he will become a more open man.
Read this book
http://www.surrenderedwife.com/

Answer 10

He may be lying because you ride him too much. He should have his own bank account, and so should you. Open one if you haven't done so already. Has he cheated on you, or given you reason to believe he has? He may just lie because he is afraid of telling you the truth. You have to make truth telling the easy way to go.