dealing with people after death of spouse?

Question

my wife died suddenly last year. of the many people that we spent time with on a regular basis, only 3 people have stayed in touch with me. about 65 people came to the service, and I got cards from people, but they didn't make any further contact. I keep thinking that I shouldn't have had to call everyone when my wife died, and they should have stepped up and been there for me. Am I right to have thought this? Should I have had to call everyone? Just because they were busy? Everyone's busy, but when your friend loses his wife, you step up and you are there if you care about them. 3 years before my wife was critically ill, and I had this one guy that was there every day for 5 weeks - he sat there with me in the ICU every single day in 2003, and then when she died, he didn't say a word to me for a year. He came by my house a year later and then told me he didn't know what to say. I'm just trippin on these people. I know I need to forget about it, but I'm still confused..thanks

Answer 1

It's actually not an unusual situation. People do tend to drop widows and widowers. It isn't fair that more don't call on you. However we can talk about what should be or we can talk about what is. Stay in touch with those 3 friends. Finds ways to widen your circle of friends - expanding your interests. Accept what you can't control. I'm sad to hear about your wife.

Answer 2

Death is a very difficult situation for everyone. My parents are both dead and I've experienced a variety of reactions across the board. One of my good friends who I have known since second grade did not respond when I called her to let her know my mom passed away. She later told me she didn't know what to say. When my dad died, people from my work came to the service. People who really didn't know me or my family outside of work. There is no right or wrong reaction. It definitely hurts to feel so alone when you've just experienced the hardest loss of your life. But until these people walk in your shoes they are just not going to be able to read your mind and know what you need. Some people just do not know what to do so they simply do nothing. Other people think that giving you space is going to help you heal. I think at a time when you need friends the most, you should just reach out to people for comfort. It is understandable to be angry, but life is short (as you know), so don't waste it on anger.

Answer 3

My husband says that if you have one real friend in your life, count yourself lucky.
Everyone is busy living their lives and don't realize you need them. Most presume you have friends and family around. They don't know you want them. Some were not friends to begin with.
You need to make some moves. Perhaps invite them for a card game, watch a ball game and grill steaks or burgers. If that doesn't pan out, get involved in the community, in politics, join a club or gym, play golf, go back to school; do something.

Remember that many people do not know how to deal with death and avoid dealing with it when possible.

Answer 4

I went through the same experience, except my husband died suddenly and w/in three weeks i knew i had 1 friend left. We're suddenly single, and in crisis and people don't know what to say,so sometimes they say Nothing! I know its probably been said to you before, but are you in a grief type group? Or talking w/someone? you have to move on . Its all new and strange,but your new friends are waiting.Someday you'll be there for a friend in need,karma . You'll know what to do. Good luck

Answer 5

Let me begin by saying that I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine losing the one person in your life who means more to you than anything. I cannot fathom the pain you must have, and still must be feeling.

This inability to understand your pain is likely what is pushing others away from you. So many are fortunate enough to have never experienced such a profound loss, and they don't know how to relate, or how to behave around you. They want to be there, but they aren't sure how, no matter how entitled you are to their sympathy, compassion, and assistance. I can understand your anger that those in your life abandoned you when you needed them, and it is utterly justified. But they didn't know how to treat you, or how to be there for you, and probably figured you needed to be alone to deal with the loss, and so they shied away. I'm so sorry, again, that those people in your life were not there for you.


May God Bless You, I am so deeply sorry for your pain.


Go with God.

Answer 6

Death is hard on everybody but really knowing what to say and how to say I am sorry for your lose.But a true friend will never leave you alone in time of need.What you should have taken out time to thank everybody with a thank you note.Yes you have to be strong that only comes from God you have to pray and ask God to help you to endure your lose.Next talk to somebody that is in the ministry that is deep in Gods Words to show you other people in Bible left us examples.That we are not alone .We are here to help one another.