Polyfidelity?

Question

I love my wife of 7 years, and my 2 children, and the one coming soon. But over my last deployment, I met a girl. I feel the same way for her as I do for my wife. She and my wife get along really well, but I can tell that the whole situation is hurting my wife. She is trying to be accepting of the situation for my sake, but I don't know if she is going to be able to handle it. I can not stand to lose any of them, what do I do?

My wife knows. That is why she is hurting. And I am not having actual sex with the other... though we do "play around".

Box of Rain: I am very nearly sterile already, due to childhood injuries. There is no doubt that the children are mine... but my wife may have been the only person in the world capable of giving me children, due to her incredibly high fertility rate. Yes, I am a bastard. But you can't help who you fall in love with, can you? I do not love my wife any less, and I would never leave her... I just love this other woman in the same fashion.

Lila: If she leaves I'm keeping the kids. I will never let my children be taken from me.

She won't leave. She's kind of stuck... due to my job she's been unable to acquire anything for herself... she tried college a couple times but I kind of screwed it up for her. Not on purpose.

Answer 1

Well the reality is that you will lose someone. No-one wants to be shared. You decide which it is to be.....your wife and 2 children or your new girlfriend.

I just read your additional information. You sound a pretty controlling sort of a guy. Your wife has every right to leave you AND take the children. You are the one who is hurting her....she knows you are in love with someone else....how arrogant can a person be? Your wife isnt a toy you can order around...she has real live feelings that you are totally disrespecting. Maybe you have been so brainwashed into the military way of thinking that you forget that people have rights. Your wife has rights too.

Answer 2

You aren't a bastard but she is a victim. She is with you thanks that she doesn't have self esteem and you push her down and down in basically all of the aspects of her life. Sooner or later hopefully she realize of that and will walk away and a judge will decide who will keep the children, and the fact she hasn't been able to work and will go for low payment jobs for not having working experience, wont be that much of a problem, because that's the reason why alimony exist, so be ready for when the moment comes. Change now if you want to avoid that, and no, you don't love the other person, you are just good on manipulating people's feeling and know with who you can deal, and with who you cannot, don't take this offensive, just admit it. You have a chance to change the course of your life by doing a self analysis of yourself, who you would like to be, and the life you would like to have with what seems to be a wonderful wife that you have, who loves you and gave you children, you still have the chance to avoid a separation and have a happy life, but is all up to you. You can still seeing the other woman and try to be with 2 at the same time, or you can start working things out and do what will be better for your life, only you know what you have to do. I'm not calling you a bastard, I just would like things to be fair for the other person, your wife, but it's her fault and responsibilty if she is still with you. The other thing you can do, is to leave both woman, since they both have VERY low self esteem, and go after a WOMAN who is a challenge, respect herself, has a career, why don't you look for that kind of woman?.

Answer 3

You are married and have children to consider. Despite how you feel, you likely will lose your wife and kids. Regardless of how this new woman makes you feel, you need to give her up. If your relationship with your wife doesn't completely fulfill you, then work harder on being a good father and spend more time with your kids to feel fulfilled. Remember, this other woman is taking your time away from them. They love their mother, and will not love this new woman as much as you do. If the marriage fails because you are disloyal to your wife, they are likely to grow up resenting you. Part of marriage and also of being a good father is the ability to sacrifice your own happiness for others.

If you are in the military you are willing to sacrifice your life for your country. Being a parent is like that - putting them, before your needs. You are also married, and the only way to make a marriage work is if you can put the other person's needs before your own, at least when it really counts. Instead of investing in this other woman who is taking time away from your wife and kids which is weakening your family structure, you need to invest that time and energy in making what you have work better.

If you could feel the same way for another woman, other than the one who gave you your children, there is a serious problem. Your wife deserves to be on a pedestal above all other women in your heart. Considering her equal to another woman who wasn't there for you all along is cruel, cowardly and selfish.

How would you feel if she met a man while you were away and when you came back he was in your home, spending time with your kids and acting like a father to them? I'll bet you wouldn't like it. You are allowing another woman to take your wife's rightful place. If she files for divorce, you have brought this on yourself.

You may not realize it, but by presenting the threat of another women and knowingly hurting your wife you are emotionally abusing her. If you cannot just stop this on your own then you need to get professional help. The only way to keep your family together is to make a choice and permanently end all temptation by ending all communication with this other woman.

Answer 4

I have read your question several times and the answers given. I recognise that it can be possible to love two people equally however, it is not part of our way of life. If your wife was part of a culture that accepted you having more than one wife perhaps the hurt would be lessened.
Being part of a culture where you marry one person and remain faithfull in all areas of the self to them her hurt is deep.
The worst part of all is that tthe baby she is carrying is being overwhelmed in the womb with its mother's pain and will be affected for life. Your other children are also living this pain as their mother is not happy so therefore they can not be happy.
This girl and your wife get along really well, sorry, the 'girl' has the upper hand in your wife's marriage as she is empowered by you making the 'affair' public to your wife. You have made them 'friends' for your own needs not their's. In fact you are being abusive to your wife, children and this girl as you have not considered anyone in all of this except yourself.
What you do will be your choice. Unfortunately your wife has few if any choices as to leave you will mean financial deprivation for her children as well as not having their father live with them. Her life is so utterly miserable it is a wonder she is still going through the motions of day to day life.
As for this girl again you are abusing her because you have 'made it' okay for her to part of your marriage and you are sexually 'grooming' her as does a sexual predator. Not having sex and 'fooling' around is grooming her for sex between the two of you whilst married is okay.
End of day? It is the children who are losing in all of this tangled web you have woven. They are the innocent one's who have no say in what their father says or does. Not to mention how you are messing up their values for the future.
Get into counselling for their sake.

Answer 5

You are only thinking about yourself, not the legal & moral contract you committed to with your wife! She's trying to deal with your selfishness and raise your kids. Give the lady a break and man-up! You obviously don't love her, as you wouldn't even consider another woman in a romantic way if you loved, honored and cherished your wife. You are a selfish, narcissistic idiot and she deserves much better than you. You have mentally cheated on her, if not physically. You should seek couples therapy, as well as therapy just for yourself to better understand why your poor wife isn't giving you what you feel you need. You should be falling at her feet apologizing for what you are putting her through and commit to her that you are going to seek help. You have kids now and your needs are last! It’s about your wife and kids, think about them before you do yourself!

Answer 6

you do not love the other the same way as you do your wife. because if you did you wouldn't be with her. let your wife go. because to me and you know this is true you are being selfish. this woman your wife has been there for you while you were deployed praying to her higher power to bring back her husband safe and whole. and how do repay her for all of this you play around on her. believe it or not it is still called adultery because you are seeing this woman. did you ever stop to think that women whether they love you or not have feelings? please let her go on by herself. because you are wishy -washy and she can find someone who is not( plus the the children don't get to look at her wife-in-law) confused. poor soul.

Answer 7

Honor your vows to your wife. When you married her, you vowed to forsake ALL others, and even playing around even without having sex, your commiting adultery against your wife, because your being intimate with a woman that your not married to. Be a real man and honor your commitment to your wife. You say your wife is hurting, it's because she can't trust you. What your doing is cheating on her. She's hurting because you broke that bond of honesty and trust with her.

Also if she does leave, don't be so quick to think that your going to keep the kids, because if she divorces you, she has plenty of evidence for a judge to rule in HER favor as far as who gets the kids.

Quit thinking about yourself, and think about your wife and her feelings, think about your kids. Think about what the effect of your actions will do to them. I feel for those kids, because your not showing your kids how a husband is supposed to love his wife.

Answer 8

How could you do that to somebody she has been behind you and has given you children, I hope she gets smart and see's you for what you are, and you end up with out her

with your other comments you are the lowest of the low, now people see you for what you really are an abuser cause you know your wife can not do anything about it shame on you this is one time I hope karma really works

Answer 9

Look at the UCMJ. Look at a lawyer. Look at your family.....What in the heck are you doing? You are a selfish jerk for the way you are treating your wife. If your wife does get mad. She can go to your 1st sgt or Unit commander. They will give you a choice. One could be a trip out...Esp if your wife makes a lot of noise...Grow up and show some honor and integrity..heard of those????

Answer 10

ok 1st you cheated ,2nd you want her to,3rd you told your wife who is with child again..do you remember your vows .do you know you said those vow in the presence of our lord and savior, i love my wife and could never hurt her in that way also my whole world would come to an end if i were that cruel to my wife and children,you need to look very deep in your soul.you know the correct path it is up to you ..but remember things come full circle,you could be in this position that your wife is in..the hurt ,the distrust,and most important the memories,some ppl forgive but they really dont forget..GOD BLESS YOU .i pray you make the best choice.