I am a mother of a 9 year old and a 6 week old. During my pregnancy, my husband cheated on me three times. He went to a motel room with each one. The first two he didn't do anything with but, the third one got undressed and gave him a bj. Apart of me says to walk away and never look back. At the same time, I love him and he has recognized he has a problem since his father did/does it and there is nothing wrong with that in his house.
Please give me your advice on if you think a strong christian woman can forgive and can he get past this. Is it possible to save this marriage?
2007-10-05 15:26:12 · 17 answers · asked by K_A_mom 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He didn't come out and tell me. I found atm withdrawals and motel charges on accounts. It took him fearing me for me to get the information out of him.
As for his father, it's not an excuse. He knows he has a problem because of it and wants to get help and be the one to end this cycle NOW. With getting help, he doesn't want to lose his family.
2007-10-05 15:46:23 · update #1
Were these hookers or women he knows?
2007-10-09 15:30:00 · answer #1 · answered by Reality 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would be very concerned for your marriage. He had the gall to cheat on you while you were pregnant and from the way it sounds, with 3 different women? This doesn't seem like a one time issue.
I don't think it's about being a strong christian women and forgiving and forgeting. That mentality may make him think that everytime he screws up that you'll forgive him because you're Christian. That sets you up for a lifetime of "grinning and bearing it"
See a couples' counselor or talk to your pastor. Maybe he really does have a sex addiction or some other issue. But right now, he's neither respecting your nor the sanctity of marriage and that is not something that you want your kids to see. Soon enough, your 9 y.o. will figure out that something is amiss. Good luck.
2007-10-05 15:37:57 · answer #2 · answered by ahelaumakani 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Any marriage can be saved if both people are committed and willing to do the work to save it. That is where you have to look - inside yourself and inside your husband.
Are you both willing to work at the marriage? To put each other first, before all others? Both of you will have to put aside your pride.
Rebuilding trust is a long and difficult road and not one that should be traveled lightly. You will have to endure many days of wondering and he will have to face what he did over and over until you feel safe again.
If you want to save your marriage, then think about what you need to move past his infidelity. Write it down what you think it will take. Your husband should do the same and then you can share your needs with each other and, hopefully, find a middle ground you both can live with.
You should consider counseling, individually at first, and then as a couple. There is no reason to think you have to do this on your own.
Only you can truly decide if you want to stay or can stay. It is not wrong for a strong Christian woman to stay or go. You do have to consider your children. There is a balance between staying together for the kids and be certain that you are modeling behaviour that shows them what a healthly relationship can/should be.
There is no right or wrong answer, there is only the answer you can live with.
Good Luck!
2007-10-05 16:03:29 · answer #3 · answered by southcaligirl1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
three times and it's normal because his father does it. well, he has had a bad example to follow in his own father. he needs some serious therapy. he has internalized this behavior and thinks it's totally normal. my husband had this "friend" and she used to give him bj's too. i guess he figured it wasn't cheating because he didn't have vaginal sex with her. the emotional relationships men have with women are far more devastating than the sexual ones. but, it's dangerous too. suppose he meets a psychopath and she bites his penis off? i bet he didn't think of that one. anyway, you say you are a strong christian woman. don't let your christianity make you a fool. we were in the same situation. the bible says that if you separate you should come back together. that means that you should should maintain your chastity. however, the bible also says that infidelity grounds for divorce, if you, the injured spouse can't forgive the transgression. how much do you want to put up with? insist that he get some help or else. i could easily have forgiven my husband for his infidelity, his drug abuse, etc. what tore us apart was his haughty attitude and total lack of humility. he was also manipulative and an opportunist. after so many years of taking it and coming to the realization that he wasn't willing to change or was unable to lower himself to recognize his shortcomings and having lost two homes behind his drug use, i decided for my own self preservation and peace of mind, it was in my best interest to leave. you can forgive, but you need to set some boundaries and some ground rules. tell him how it makes you feel and ask him how important it is to preserve his family and find out what he's willing to do. if he doesn't want to get help, then he doesn't really want his family. that's a little harsh. maybe he does, he just doesn't know how. he needs to humble himself. don't let yourself be a doormat, however. he can get past this if he wants to. he must get help and work hard. it's not going to be easy. with communication and openness and hard work you can save your marriage. i wish you all the very best...
2007-10-05 15:46:56 · answer #4 · answered by thecatmama 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know you love him but what about his love and respect for you and your kids. It is a simple equation. Marriage is a contract between 2 people and if one is breaking it, how do you then continue to uphold the contract. He knows you too well. You are the forgiving type. He takes advantage of that.
If he recognises that there is a problem, then he should get professional help. He has to prove to you that he wants to change for you and the family. Actions speak louder than words, and not merely paying lip service.
2007-10-05 15:38:18 · answer #5 · answered by Rave 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a Christian, we know that God will see us through each situation. Even in the Bible, adultry is the only reason that a divorce is "excusable."
Can you forgive him? I know that we are supposed to forgive and move on, but can you actually trust him again. He did not come to you with his "problem". You had to find out on your own. He says that he went to a hotel room with different women but did not do anything with the first two?........do you honestly believe him or do you just WANT to believe him.
Don't confuse Christianity with niavity. If you honestly can trust that he will not do this again, you need to go with your heart.
PRAY and ask God for his guidance. Ask him to lead you in the direction that he has planned for your life. Ask him to help your husband in his transgressions.........and when you finish with those prayers, pray some more..........pray for peace that you will feel only when you know that you are in God's Will for your life.
2007-10-05 16:08:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can be a strong Christian woman who respects herself enough not to tolerate infedelity. You are teaching your children that it is acceptable for a man to treat you this way. is this the lesson that you want them to learn? Will they learn your secret truth years from now and commend you? A man who claims that he has a problem and does not stop is not a Christian. It is a matter of respect for you and he has none. He knows you'll stick it out. As for the infedelity during your pregnancy that is even more evil. Regardless his excuse, it should not be or can not be forgiven. it will eat you up.
2007-10-05 15:38:02 · answer #7 · answered by noitall 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Whether or not you stay in this marraige depends on how much you are willing to tolerate. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Are you really wanting your children to grow up thinking that behavior is ok? That is your husbands excuse and will be your childrens excuse. He obviously doesn't have any respect for you, your children, or your marraige vows.
2007-10-05 15:35:15 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, it's up to you what you want to put up with. as i always say, words are cheap. if he wants to get help, then start getting it instead of just talking about it. tomorrow, have an appt with a counselor, support group, whatever. and you should go with him a few times. and he needs to know that from this point forward, if he EVER cheats again, your relationship is over. christian woman or not, set your boundaries for what's acceptable and stick to it. good luck.
2007-10-05 16:33:52 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
why would he tell you that he cheated on you? or did he come home with an STD? I never understood that "honesty" at all costs. If my wife cheated and I wouldn't want to know..that's why husbands and wives shouldn't ASK. all it does it lay hurt and guilt all around for everyone to enjoy. It's that Talk Show psychology at work isn't it?
Gee are you better off that you know? Is he better off? are your kids? Wow, what a mess, but at least he was honest..right?? Yeah, he took three women to a hotel room and got one BJ. Just like bill clinton....honesty is the best policy..isn't it??
2007-10-05 15:36:15 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
You have to decide whether or not he is just telling you this or if he really means it. As a christian woman you can forgive but I wouldn't forget. This happening will be brought up in future fights and it's up to you if you can see through it.
2007-10-05 16:46:34 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋