What Would You Do? A Marriage Advice Question...?

Question

I've been married 3 years. When I married my husband failed to tell me he owed tens of thousands due to past debts, and convinced me to quit my job to become a stay home mom. I now have a one year old and we just received our 2nd notice of wage garnishment. I am so fed up I feel like leaving with my son and putting an end to this. Yes I love my husband but not enough to live poor, or work myself to death to work his debts off. I want to own a home and have nice things, and it seems impossible with this whole situation. I'm angry that he didn't tell me everything I was getting myself into. If I stay I will work for nothing, just to sustain us - if I leave I have a real chance to use those earnings to create a better life with more financial stability and a solid future for me and my son. He's a great Dad otherwise, and I wouldn't keep them apart - after all I do love him. What do you think, what would you do? Nice answers please :) I'm already stressed enough...

I will not be left responsible for any of his debt which accrued before marriage. (Consulted an attorney), so if we divorce I would not be taking any debt with me as we have no marital debts.

Answer 1

Though I have no children, I found myself facing similar circumstances with my husband. This was one of the most stressful situations that I had ever faced. Staying and leaving hurt "equally". In other words, it hurt just as much to leave as it did to stay. What's important is that your hubby isn't spending (now) as if you didn't have any debt at all. In other words, he's gotta be willing to modify his spending habits and to approach the debt issue with sincerity. It won't happen overnight and you will find yourself flaming at the mouth before it's all over with or before changes become evident.

Answer 2

I know it sounds like a really bad idea, but if his debt has gotten to the point of garnished wages, I think maybe it's time to talk to a lawyer about filing for bankruptcy. Especially if you don't own a home yet (if you do own a home you will lose it).

Someone else said that you would get half the debt in a divorce, and that's absolutely true! Although you do have reason for divorce (site "fraud" on the divorce papers since he didn't tell you about his debt) it may not be the best option. I don't think money is ever really a good reason to end a marriage.

I would just tell him to forget about the "stay at home mom" thing and go back to work so that you have more money coming in with which to pay off the debt.

Answer 3

You obviously love your husband. I would be hurt by his betrayal of trust but before I gave it all up I think it would be worth seeing a financial adviser or at least a bank to see if all his/your debts can be put together and maybe in a way that you are not paying lots of interest and you might still be able to get ahead whilst still slowly paying these off. If you choose this option you would want to have a very open and honest conversation with your husband and maybe put a time frame of one or two years to see if your finances are improving. Make sure he is aware of your time frame. If you are both happy after that time keep going. Otherwise I think you then need to assess what is right for you and your son. Hope that helps. Never feel helpless about money. It does help in life but it is not the be all and end all.

Answer 4

If you leave you will get 1/2 of the debt because you CHOSE to marry a man with debt and half of that debt became your's on your wedding day. You say HE failed to tell you about his debt...why couldn't YOU ask? You say he is a great dad? You've got to be kidding his wages are being garnished and he's a great dad? The money going towards the garnishment is money being taken away from his children...that's NOT being a great dad. If you leave no you can kiss owning a home and having nice things goodbye until the owed debt is paid off, and yes if you get a job they CAN garnish YOUR wages as well to pay off the debt. You were a lemming who followed blindly without knowing what you were getting into you basically got what you deserved. Sorry. What I would have done...BEFORE we got married I would have found out his financial situation and if there was a lot of debt I'd be walking away. I wouldn't have gotten married only to wind up where you are now.

Answer 5

i totally understand your situation. my suggestions are these, and i don't know if you've tried all of these, but for me personally i have to feel like i've done and tried everything before i can leave a relationship and not regret it. first, why wage garnishment? is there a way you can go thru one of those credit counselors who can help you get your debts paid off? debtors will work with those people because they are more assured to get their money. is your husband allowing you control of the money and is he spending what you tell him he can spend? are you a budgeter? can you set up a budget and stick to it, including what to pay towards the debt each month? any way to consolidate the debt into one vehicle so you have only one payment each month? basically, will your husband relinquish control of the money management over to you and are you smart enough to make it work? are you keeping the rest of your credit cards to ZERO?? getting out of debt takes a little time but with the right attitude, cooperation from your spouse, and maybe some outside help to consolidate payments and hopefully stop the wage garnishment, could things brighten up? i left my first husband because one of the reasons was his value of money was very different than mine. unfortunately, that issue can come between couples. but i tried everything and when i finally left the marriage i had no regrets. granted we had not kids, but i felt i did all that i possibly could before i threw in the cards. love isn't the only thing that makes a relationship successful, and you are smart and correct to understand that. it's a hard decision to make, but i think you know in your heart already what you want to do, and it's ok to do it. so, i validate your concerns and the route you want to go. good luck.

Answer 6

I guess you have to ask yourself what is more important to you and the well being of your son. If it were me, I would almost be willing to try and stick it out for a few more years, at least until my child was school age. But then again, that has its obvious drawbacks.

Your husband was wrong to not tell you about his financial status that is ultimately going to affect you and your standard of living for years to come. Although, he gets credit for being a great dad, when he convinced you to be a stay at home mom, knowing what was on the horizon, I have to wonder how much was about concern for your young son and how much was about taking away some of your options.

It's a difficult choice, and only you can make it. I wish you well.

Answer 7

Agreeig to marry him more or less means you agree to accept him as is - baggage and all. There is a way to separate yourself fro his debt - but it will take time, perseverance and paperwork on your end. There is such a thing as "innocent spouse". I am not a legal expert or financial wizard - but what it does is separates you from your husbands financial issues. For instance - you file a joint tax form. You can file an additional form (subsequently called "innocent spouse claim") and what happens is..His income is separated from yours, and if there is any refund his portion goes toward the repayment of the debt and the remaining monies are released to you. There is much you have to lok into for this, you have a long battle ahead. You dont necessarily have to leave him for some bad choices he made before he married you. Bankruptcy may be an answer. Bottom line - you need to free yourself financially from his debts, or accept them as you do his other faults. Focus on your son and by doing what is right for him and you. Good luck, this is a tough one.

Answer 8

Ouch. That is a lot to take.
Obviously he should have told you before he married you. I'm sure he was embarrassed, but that's no excuse.
I think you are well within your rights to leave him. If he wasn't upfront about this how can you trust him to be honest about anything else?

He can still be as big part of your son's life as you want him to be- and it he is as good a dad as you say I am sure you will be able to work that out for your son's sake.

Answer 9

First of all, be sure that you've chosen the right person that will help you build a good family. Second, don't let small problems ruin love between you and your partner. Success in having good children is to bring them up with love and understanding. In case you have a problem with your spouse, God forbid, don't let the next day comes and you both still angry with each other, solve it in the same day. Finally, BE FRANK.

Answer 10

If I would love the person real hard, probably no, I wont. But even looking at my husband, is he would have that sitution, I would go. I would see the world in my way. I would go. No one wants a poor life..but u can ask him to make more money...by the way money comes and go..so wait for sometime.