I'm fifteen, and im attempting to write a short story. Can you read what i have so far and?

Question

tell me whether its good or not. And i can use advice on how to make it better. Some editing would help to. I want your honest opinon. I want to be better writer. And btw, the grammer isn't very good, so yeah don't expect it to be all great. so here it is.

PULSE
Screaming, that’s all I heard. Was the screaming of some poor worthless bastard. Well that’s all you really start to hear when your boxed up in a big, perfectly squared-shape, dark, unpleasantly foul smelling room. It wasn’t overly elaborate. The damp floor was concrete; the four surrounding slabs of stones they called walls, was penetrated by a foul smell from who knows where. Cobwebs filled in the space in the dark corners. My only source of light was from a single dim light bulb that seemed like it was super glued to the ceiling above me.
But wait, I haven’t even got to the best part yet. I don’t even know the freaking location. Yeah, that’s right. I just woke up sitting in some chair, with my arms and legs

strapped down; in some room that is located in the who the hell knows where. What made things even worse was the temperature was 120 degrees, and it kept getting hotter and hotter. I was still wearing simple jeans and a gray shirt, yeah not very fashionable is it.
Yeah, now back to the screaming. That’s all I keep on hearing, sounds scary huh. But to makes thing even scarier, I was the one screaming. At the top of my lungs I kept on screaming till I lost my breath. I wanted to scream till my ears bleed. Till my eyes burst, and my lungs collapse. Until it came to the point of the unbearable. And then, till I would take that last breath. That one breath away from unconsciousness. Sounds like paradise to me.
Days kept on passing on by and I had no food and water. My lungs ached from all the screaming. My eyes watered, due to the floating dust particles that kept on going to my eyes. I was barely conscious, I felt like the hang over you would get after getting high off heroine

the previous day. The only reason I knew I was still alive, was the fact that my heart kept on beating.
After a while, I started to break down. First, I became seriously pissed. Then It went from being pissed to laughing sadistically for no apparent reason. Then went from that to crying pathetically, yeah wasn’t my best moment. It got even worse from there, it went so bad that I don’t even know where to start.
The heat started to get to me. I was sweating like Niagara falls. Luckily there was nobody else there with me. If there was, he or she would be most likely one to try to attempt suicide. Well, then I would at least have food. I was literally starving, it felt like my body started to eating at my muscles and organs. I was desperate, really desperate for anything to happen. I kept on wishing someone would come. I should of kept my mouth shut. You know that say that goes watch out for what you wish for, it might come true. That line you hear everyday as a child, holds

so much truth..

Answer 1

It does need work. First of all, watch your tenses. You switch from present to past and back again. Pick one and stick with it. Obviously, you shouild choose past because somehow you survived this ordeal to write about it. You use colloquialisms like "till" instead of "until" an editor would change those. Then I am not at all in love with that cannibalism thing. If someone else committed suicide you would eat them? Hmm... Also I don't like the sentence about the room not being overly elaborate -- why would it be? It's a dungeon.

Try showing more than telling. You are giving me a good description of the place, but it is like a laundry list. For instance, you could say. "A foul smell penetrating the walls gags me and I gasp for air." Or "I struggle in the dim light to see, but all I can make out is cobwebs handing ominously from the corners. I pray to myself I don't meet their inhabitants." Or "I am bound by my arms and legs in some kind of wooden chair. The bindings are tight and I can feel the tingling in my limbs as my circulation is cut off".

You need to vary the way you tell things. Sometimes you can tell me what you see and other times tell me how it feels to be there. Don't neglect your other senses - tell me how things feel, how they taste ... really make me feel like I am there.

Now for some research. If you have been left in this room for days and days without food or water, your body is going to suffer dehydration. Do some research on dehydration. You can do it online. Your eyes won't tear. There won't be enough fluids left in you. They will feel dry and sandy. Painful to blink. Also after a while, you wont sweat anymore. No fluids left in your body. It will be a simple thing to do some research on starvation and dehydration. Just google it.

As for the light super glued to the ceiling, I think it would look more ominous if it was a bulb hanging from a loose wire.

You have set the basic scene - now embellish it. Tell me how it feels to be in this situation. Physically. Are they roped binding you? Are they cutting into your skin?
Do they hurt? What about the basics here? The bathroom for instance? Believe me, readers will want to know.

It is a decent start, but you need to add a whole lot to make it realistic. Work on it. Pax - C

Answer 2

I like the story line. Somewhat. But in my opinion, it needs a lot of work. I'm not trying to be mean, but I simply do not like the way you describe too much (yes, there is such a thing) and how you keep switching from past to present and vice versa. Also, don't use a lot of "yeah's" in your writing--it becomes boring and overused and slightly annoying.

I've been in this situation before. I'm an amateur writer who observes her own and anybody else's writing to improve. I like to get feedback and although criticism hurts, it helps a lot to become better.

Keep writing and improving. And just because someone wrote a book that's 100 pages long doesn't mean that's it's any good. Especially if that person is 13. It takes a lot more to become a really good writer--I know that from experience. Sometimes, you just can't leave things as they are.

I hope this helps you and you understand what I'm trying to say.
-- aximili12, a fellow writer

Edit-- i agree with Pesiphone_Hellecat. I just don't want to rephrase everything she said. =D

Answer 3

i enjoyed this passage but your right, it needs some work and your style is kinda confusing. i would make it to where we are the guy and we feel what he feels and stuff, not like he is the narrarator at the beginning of a movie. the idea intrigues me though, but i do think that it has been done a few times.


keep on writing and persuing your dream and maybe someday i'll pick up a copy of the polished work when it's on the shelves!

p.s. just cause someone has a 100 page novel doesn't mean it's good, though i am sure it is.

Answer 4

Hmm, turns out slightly corny, set limitations, reminiscent of unusual conduct, customs, weaknesses and type, for those monsters, for example, in a special tradition, vampires began out as phantasmal vapor-like beings that have been invisible to average people, that for the duration of the interval of a month grew to be increasingly titanic, after they have been bodily beings they would endure kids, which could regularly be guys, (I feel) and could come to be both vampires, or vampire hunters, which would feel vampires while they are of their phantom kind and kill them, identify laws like this, and the tale will attain a lot more curiosity. On a Side Note, I recall making up a tale like this with a buddy, demons have been all over, and handiest kids with well creativeness have been equipped to peer them, lol

Answer 5

i liked it, very descriptive. sounds like a scene from saw or a film like that. one suggestion i would make would be to change till my ears bleed to till my ears bled. if you want any help on the rest of it feel free 2 emali me on
[e-mail]
good luck, hope it goes well 4 u. i like it so far

Answer 6

sorry....its not quite my style...I am 13 and have a 100 page book....but...I dujnno....I dont like your style/...but thats a personal opinion...keep up the dream!!!!