Why can't he stop looking at porn?

Question

Every month or so I find porn on the computer. I hate it. When my fiance doesn't do it, we have great, frequent, passionate, steamy sex, but after I find out he's been at it again, all that is ruined. I even let him take pictures and video of me to look at when he feels the impulse, but I guess that's not enough. I start feeling less comfortable around him, I feel like he thinks I'm not attractive enough, I can't stop wondering if he's thinking about someone else when we make love, etc. I get really down on myself and feel totally unattractive to him, and then he complains that I need higher self-esteem. I tell him how he's hurting me, our relationship, our sex-life, and that I feel unattractive because of what he's done...but he doesn't stop. I've caught him four times already and now I'm worried it'll ruin our marriage. He is everything I've ever wanted and didn't think I would find except for this one issue. So what's the deal? Is it my fault? Can I do anything? Can anyone?

Answer 1

I don't buy into the crap that "men are visual" and "all men look at porn".....My hubby had his fair stash of porn dvd's before we got married...and I let him know that I find it very offensive and degrading....Believe me...I am very secure with myself and my body.....but I told my hubby that I was going to throw all his porn out and he was fine with that decision...WHY? Because he has RESPECT....I will say it again...He has RESPECT for my feelings regarding porn...and he can refrain from looking at the filth because I am more important to him then some sleazy woman PRETENDING to have a good time getting it on with some guy or guys. It is a choice to view porn...not a freaking NEED! If porn is so harmless why are marriages ruined by it? Why do some men become addicted to it? To the point that they prefer porn over a real live person....I even read recently that women are becoming addicted to porn.....But oh no....PORN IS HARMLESS!! Just accept it.....all men watch it! What a load of crap!!!

Answer 2

2

Answer 3

My husband was addicted to porn. It almost did ruin us, but we worked through it. All men will look at porn or masterbate, and it is okay, but if they do it to much and it causes you not to get some it is a problem. You can't do anything. Unless he realizes it is a problem and that it hurts you than nothing can change. I felt the same that maybe he didn't want me, but I realized he done it without knowing how I felt, and seeing that our sex was less becuase of it. Once he knew my feelings and realized how often he was doing it things changed. I am not one to say he cant or shouldnt but I want some too. It is a good thing he does that rather than another woman. Also if he only is doing this four times a month, dont sweat the small stuff. If he does it everyday or a couple times a day worry. So I guess I really cant answer this for you becuase I do feel it is good for them, and they should do it, but on the other hand if sex is lacking on your part it is not good.

Answer 4

He's a guy, yes, but he's not a dog, he can think and control himself--if he wants to. He sounds like he is addicted so it'd take work to stop at this point. There is nothing wrong with you.

I personally would never let anyone take nude video or pics since you never know where on the internet they'll end up. But that seems to be water under the bridge.

He does't respect you, your feelings or your relationship and frankly he might not be able to. He is so used to seeing women as nothing but objects to gratify himself with that he may never be able to see you as a human being with thoughts and emotions.

So it's time to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life like this. If you do want to spend the rest of your life living in emotional misery, feeling unattractive and unloved, then stay with him. If you don't like feeling that way and don't want to spend the rest of your life feeling that way then leave him.

Contrary to the made up statistics that some people here spout, 99.9% of men do not look at porn on a regular basis. There are a lot of good decent men out there who don't feel the need to objectify women. You can find one.

Answer 5

Contrary to the beliefs that seem to abound here, not all men are interested in porn and equally some women are more into it than their partners. I fully understand your dislike of your partner's choice of late night viewing. My concern is that, despite knowing how much you dislike it and how much all this is hurting you, he still insists on doing it. If he really feels that watching porn is more important than your feelings, I am worried that he is not as deeply involved in this relationship as you are. If my husband asked me not to do something because it upset him, I wouldn't dream of doing it again. My husband knew my views on porn a long time ago and thankfully he isn't interested. He can't get off on pictures - he needs the real thing. Most of the men that I have dated with the exception of two (out of far too many!) saw porn as a losers occupation and only for the lonely and desperate! What I am trying to say is that this is clearly his problem and nothing to do with you. He would be watching porn even if he had Pamela Anderson in the bedroom. Its just his thing. If he can't stop himself from doing this and you are obviously not happy, then its time to rethink the whole relationship. You don't have to have your esteem crushed to bits..

Answer 6

Let' s see: why do we keep looking at it? Short answer: Because they keep making it. I have no doubt he doesn't intend to disrespect you in anyway, and I'm sure he finds you plenty beautiful enough to want to marry you, and at the risk of sounding sexist, I believe it's only an issue between you because you've made it one by expecting him to behave like a different creature than what he is. I mean, if I were consulting with him, all I would tell him in earnest is to hide it better so as to not hurt your feelings. This is not the first conversation I've had with a woman about this issue...I am well aware of the position that porn objectifies women, allegedly promotes violent sexual fantasies (a claim I dismiss out of hand, at least in general) and stifles a normal sexual response when viewed in excess. Frankly, with the exception of the claim I dismissed, I can see both sides of the argument. But I also know many men who view it without manifesting those adverse reactions, and the only times those charges are levied definitively is when a man's viewing habits are "known", i.e. I suspect if you didn't know it was happening, you wouldn't be offended as there would be no other evidence of its occurrence. This part will surprise you: I'm trying to think of a way to earnestly answer the "why" part without saying "because we're men" since that argument has been done to death while actually saying very little. We do not like hurting women with this issue, and claiming that we're "visually stimulated" IS the truth of the matter but it, too sounds cliche. It is not your fault, you are not unattractive to him, and by your own admission (except for this issue) he's everything you could ask for in a partner. (That by itself should tell you something.) If I had the stellar fortune to be married to Halle Berry (as indisputably gorgeous and accomplished as she IS) there would be occasions I would still view it if I could do so without hurting her feelings. And personally, I think I respect women a great deal (though you're free to disagree). I owe you an apology on this basis: I set out to explain something but I have continued the same old circular rhetoric that's always been there. But it's only because I sought to help, and I really don't think your man means you any harm or disrespect. He's just being a man. (Whatever that means). Be well.

Answer 7

Yes.. it will be a problem in your marriage. Problems do not go away when u get married, they actually get bigger because you are sharing your life with this person. In my opinion I would not get married. If you get married and the situation gets out of control you will always know that you knew what you were getting ur self into. You are being warned, it's a red light. He should be more considerate. I understand that men are visual and they are attracted to porn, but your feelings should come first if he is thinking about sharing his life with you. If he cannot stop maybe he has an addiction. He will not admit it. If porn controls him than he has an issue.Good Luck!!! BTW...be confident......you are not the problem........he just has wondering eyes.

Answer 8

If porn is an illness then people shouldn't be watching steamy sex scenes performed by famous actors (i.e. Hallie Berry, Billie Bob Thorton) remember the movie Monsters Ball. Damn people are such prudes sometimes. He is just LOOKING at porn he's not participating in any physical contact with the actors in the porn my god. Lighten up! Your treating him like a little boy getting caught looking at his fathers porn magazines. Know this you both are not blind, you're going to find individuals more attractive than your mate, but that doesn't mean you have to act on it. Maybe he is right you might have self esteem issues. To be jealous of porn star that your husband will never ever have contact with. That's like him being jealous because you think Matthew McCoughaney is hot knowing damn well the chances of meeting him is like winning the lottery. I can see if your husband was on the computer every damn day for 4 hours, but once a month. You gotta be kidding me. Give the guy a break. Watch it with him you might learn something. Hell I watch porn with or without my boyfriend. At least 4 times a month. I feel sorry for these men married to uptight wives god bless you all.

Answer 9

I guess I am the lucky one who got the man who doesn't look at that sort of thing. If your man finds those cheap magazines more entertaining than you, find someone who will really love you outside and in. My ex did the same thing, and cheated on me with several women. It happens. Men look, some have morals and some don't. You just need to find the one's who have morals and values and stick to them. Be open about how you feel about the porn from the start of any relationship, that way he knows what he's getting into.

Answer 10

You are beautiful. Remember that. And he loves you. Remember that. Porn is not real, it is a fantasy. The people and the way they look are not real, they are made up. YOU are real and your self-esteem is just fine. Keep strong and keep communicating how you feel about it. Porn is not okay for a relationship. It is unhealthy. From my beliefs, your husband is committing sin right now and is not pure in his actions. There are many devilish spirits around us and one of them has a 'hold' of your husband. The devil is real, and he does not want relationships to work out, so he puts people in tempting positions (like watching porn) to disrupt their marriage. But you have to fight this devil and fight this rut in your marriage. What I do is pray. God finds a way to help you. He WANTS to help you and wants the best for you and your husband. Talk to God about it. Just start talking to God and telling him what you need. And try not to get technical about trying to figure out what to do. Don't think too hard. And remember, there is NOTHING wrong with you and it is not your fault. And your husband is a good man, but the devil has made him slip, and he knows it, maybe just not yet. Some things you can do is: 1) keep communicating your feelings; 2) stand strong and confident and keep your head lifted-----your self-esteem is fine!; 3) remember you are beautiful; 4) Pray for your husband--- asking God to seal your husband's eyes from anything that would take his eyes away from seeing your beauty. ;5) Pray for your own strength in this matter. 6) Smile. You'll get through this.
I personally wasn't in the best shape in my life-doings, but I started to pray and once I saw God as my friend and saw how much he has done for me, I started to want positive things in my life, not evil ones. I wanted a pure heart, not a tempting one. I have those now. And I am not preaching to you, just telling you what works and what is true. God bless you and stay smiling. :) :) :)