After 17 yrs of marriage, I divorced my husband. It was never a strong marriage. We just grew up and apart. We didn't have anything in common, we weren't affectionate towards each other, we didn't even respect one another. We have 2 wonderful daughters that came of it. Anyway, I finally divorced him. It's been 9 months and I have found a wonderful man who is everything my ex wasn't. My ex is having a hard time letting go, calling and crying that he wants me back. My family is giving me a hard time on moving on and feel I have not heart because I am not giving him another chance. Long story short, even though I'm happy, I feel bad for him. I am no longer in love with him, but I feel so guilty. Why do I feel this way when I don't love him???
2007-10-05 09:29:23 · 19 answers · asked by Lily 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Nick, you are wrong. I was married for 17 yrs. Thats more than the avg marriage lasts. My marriage was over before I got the papers.
2007-10-05 09:37:03 · update #1
Azeez, 17 years of problem, there's not enough pages on here to give you my whole life story. But don't you agree that everyone deserves to be happy? you sound like you have been hurt and are miserable. Do you want the name of my therapist?
2007-10-05 09:51:12 · update #2
Kudos to you for have the wisdom and the strength for moving on. Really, it wasn't fair to either of you to stay in a marriage that, at least you, were not happy in. And chances are, if you were unhappy, the most likely he was too. I call it the "comfortable old shoe" syndrome. You can not make anyone else in life happy if you are not happy yourself.
The guilt comes from the outside sources of not doing what THEY think is right. People tend to forget what is right for some is NOT right for all. Hold your head high, let all the negative fall from your shoulders and you will see, the guilt will go away. You have nothing to feel guilty for. I truly believe that when a couple stay together in an unhappy marriage, they are robbing each other from the person that they are meant to be with. Each relationship you have, you gain strength and knowledge. That is what you should take away from this, and use it to grow, and find the happiness that you and he both deserve, seperately.
2007-10-05 10:10:47 · answer #1 · answered by Melody 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's only natural. He's been part of your life for so long. You have a long history together; Children.
Besides, when you are in a relationship, and even more so, in a marriage, you're there for each other, to support each other, through hard and good time.
So, it's not going to go away just because physically you are not together any more.
Part of you still feels responsible for him, for his happiness.
At least, you didn't cheat on him and did things in the right order.
It's bound to be difficult for him to move on, for the same reason you can't ignore him.
I guess, for some men, even when they don't show affection, or take us as part of the furniture, the day this particular piece of furniture has gone, they are totally lost! What they can see is just the emptiness, where it used to be and should still be!
Give him some time. He might never get over it after 17 years of marriage, but he will eventually stop calling.
Good luck.
2007-10-05 09:40:00 · answer #2 · answered by Kc 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lily it has only been 9 months like you said after 17 years of marriage so the grieving process might be a little longer to get over. As for why you might be having feeling of guilt as you mentioned your family is attempting to make you have these feelings. As well if he is calling and crying and giving you sob stories then obviously it is playing on your mind also. But fact of live is that he is an ex for a reason. It would be great if you two could remain not only friendly but also friends with one and other and wish each other complete happiness and success in future relationships. Best of luck, and eventually your family will come along side with you when they realize that you are doing what is in your best interest.
2007-10-05 09:37:10 · answer #3 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even if you did give him another chance, that wouldn't change much, considering that the marriage was already on it's last leg. Guilt sucks, don't it? Ignore the ones who are trying to lay the guilt on you. You are both adults, and you are NOT responsible for another person's happiness or wellbeing. Feel sympathy and empathy for people, but feel it for yourself too! You have a right to happiness. Why in the world would your family make you feel bad for being happy? I have always advised against staying in a dead-end relationship just for the sake of saying you tried. What good does that do anybody? It only prolongs the inevitible. Stay strong, and work on your current relationship. You really can't give the new man a fighting chance if you are running back and forth (even if only in your mind) to the ex. Your ex needs to learn how to move on and grow and fix whatever it is inside himself so that he can find someone to love and who will love him back. If you go back, you are retarding his growth, doing his homework for him. He needs this experience, let him have it. And turn a deaf ear to the naysayers. There's nothing wrong with being happy, and no one can judge you unless they are in that very situation themselves, and even then, it's still your life, not theirs. Good luck in your new relationship. The ex will be fine. I promise.
2007-10-05 10:05:34 · answer #4 · answered by TwyztedChyck 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It takes two in love to make a marriage work.....giving someone another chance because you're pressured to do so will only cause more misery and pain for both...when your family starts to pressure you let them know in a polite but firm way that the marriage is long over and everyone needs to move on, and unless your ex is calling about the children you share, don't discuss anything else with him. It's prolonging his refusal to accept and move on. Since him prolonging his own misery makes you feel guilty, think of how both of you would feel to continue a loveless, or one sided marriage.....and if you must respond to him, ask him how happy he could be married to someone who doesn't love him anymore, and is miserable in a marriage because of it....then don't discuss it with him or listen to it anymore......
2007-10-05 10:54:45 · answer #5 · answered by The Original GarnetGlitter 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
simple! think about your happiness and do what makes YOU happy. If you feel bad about it oh well he had his chance to make the marriage better i mean 17 years is a lifetime!!!
and about your family i don't think that if you leave the guy you're with now and you go and give your ex another chance and if it doesn't work, are thy going to help you find another person? think about it sometimes it's not good to listen to family they don't know whats going on in your life and people can tell you to do a million things but at the end when you go home you are the only one who knows what's going on....
2007-10-05 09:35:26 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
17 year is a long time to be with someone. And you were smart enough to get out before you ended up hating him. You will always have a place in your heart for him. He did give you your 2 wonderful daughters. That in itself is enough reason to always have a spot in your heart for him. That being said. If you aren't happy with him, you shouldn't be with him. And if family and friends don't understand that, Tough...
You need to be happy. You only live once....
2007-10-05 09:36:55 · answer #7 · answered by Mel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
17 long years and i am sure you had some good times too. please don;t feel bad you deserve to be happy life is too short i know, i was in a 7 year long relationship never good never feelt complete, now he left me standing went back to his 15 years younger co worker he was roomate with for 8 month long story . i am hurt and devestated. yes i took him back 2 times and he left me by the drop of a dime.
please move on don't look back no matter what your fam says you're over him (that is good i am sure that wasn't easy) him let it be he just trying to get his way don't give him another chance its enough he had plenty of chances its over tell him to stop calling . nothing has changed in his ways he is still the same person go outhere and make you happy good luck
2007-10-05 09:42:49 · answer #8 · answered by maria s 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have been selfish and wicked, you were just hanging in there for seventeen good yrs and just leading the poor guy on until you got your heart desire and you left him without looking back, how on eart can you compare 17 yrs to 9 months? what were you doing with this guy for 17 yrs if you never wanted to be with him? your family cannot be stupid to tell you that you've got no heart cos you never said he did anything wrong to you, it has been you that never took the marriage seriouse, you had no affection what so ever towards him, I hope your daughters will not take after you cos you have no heart, he gave you his heart for 17 yrs and what did you give to him?
2007-10-05 09:45:51 · answer #9 · answered by azeez a 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Honey, there's no point in feeling guilty, it wont get you anywhere. If you're happy now then that's great, enjoy it, think of it this way....if someone said to you that you had to live with your ex again..how would you feel?? That should stop you feeling guilty.
Your family should understand and be happy for you to. Your ex will have to move on, and he will eventually, just not as quickly as you have!
Enjoy life!
2007-10-05 09:35:29 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋