do you like my new poem called all i can see in the world today? x?

Question

Knifes,
Bullies,
Drugs,
Are all we have in this world today?
If we continue this the world will fall apart,
And we won’t be able to stay.
Knifes,
Bullies,
Drugs,
Are all we have in this world today?
So sitting on are buts all day smoking weed,
Is not good for society.
Knifes,
Bullies,
Drugs
Are all we have in this world today?
Teachers sitting on there buts apparently teaching stuff,
But how can the children who are being picked on learn,
When all the teacher is doing is sitting around on there bum.
Knifes,
Bullies,
Drugs
Are all we have in this world today?
Weapons of mass destruction are all that’s on peoples mind,
Till they find there self held at the throat with a knife!
So knifes,
So bullies,
So drugs,
Are all I can see in this world today!
Do you agree?

Answer 1

It's not bad, could use a little work, but very, very good for a 1st try. And I admire what you've chosen to write about. I, personally, write about this sort of stuff in my blogs, never tried it in a poem before.

Anyway... 1 thing you need to remember and certainly change, is your spelling. For example, it's 'butt' with 2 T's, and it's 'their', when you're talking about a person's possession. And it's 'knives', when it's more than 1 knife.

Plus, you could stand to be a little more poetic at points. Like when you say, "sitting on our butts" or " teaching stuff", neither of those are very poetic. "Smoking weed" 'n "being picked on" are the same.

Also, 1 little suggestion if I may? Try incorporating more than just drugs 'n knives 'n bullies, like as you go along you change to 3 different threats or whatever 'n start talking about those. Pointing out what you hate about them and how they are so wrong and bad.

Other than that I liked it. It's a really good poem for the message alone. It just needs some tweaking here 'n there, but it's still really good.

Brilliant work. And luck to you.

Answer 2

Thank-you Jacobhen, Once again a voice out of the Wilderness Demonstrates that There are Emphatically Two Sad Sides To Each Story. Preach Quietly and Often Your Peace Message Then Maybe A Few Injuries & Deaths Will Be Avoided. Each side Has its share Of Blame, The Land you Live In Has 2-3 thousand Years of Mottled History And Many Changes Of "Ownership" But Really The LAND DOES NOT BELONG TO ANYONE IT BELONGS TO EVERYONE..That Means We/You/ They Are Only CUSTODIANS In the Same Way That None Of Us OWN Our CHILDREN WE Are Their Protectors And Guardians ie Their Custodians Unfortunately it doesn't seem that RELIGIONS Can Resolve any Of These Conflicts in the Worldwide Arena, Particularly When Religion(s) Think(s) that Mindless BrainWashing Of Children ,BY Fanatics is The Solution. EG Look How Great and Fertile The Persian Empire Used To Be. The Cradle Of 70% Of The World's Knowledge ! Now Regarded as 2nd Rate Due to Fanatical Constraints and the Dominance of that Wonderful Comodity OIL.

Answer 3

no, really i don't agree I mean sure these things exist as they pretty much always have in some way but what about the people out there trying to make a difference in the world teaching because they care about the childrens education and the soldiers who fight to give us freedom, the missionary workers who are in other country spreading the word of God, etc. I mean you are entitled to your opinion, and I think it's great that you chose to express it through poetry but no I definatelly don't agree

Answer 4

Not bad, just a little too much repetition of:
Knifes,
Bullies,
Drugs
Are all we have in this world today?
write it in the beginning and imply it in the rest til the end where you put SO in front, leave that and see how it sounds to you.

a star for the effort, like I said it's not bad.

Answer 5

No, that's not all what we see in the wold today. you look at a cup half empty, look at a cup half full. you chose to see what you wrote about. look at different direction you see the beauty of the world the hard working people who work hard all day to put food on the table to raise kids and educate them through university. the police man who give his life to fight crime. the fire fighter who die to save some one else property, and the list goes on, so look at the other side of the equation.

Answer 6

i guess its the 1st time i amgetting to read a different kinda poem frm u .its undoubtedly betr than the previous one.
Great attempt.
Hope to see more such stuff
Nayan