So my wife opened my mail today for the first time. Should I be mad?

Question

One of the details about our new (6 months) marriage that I thought made her happy was the fact that even though we are struggling financially (we are living paycheck to paycheck, do not have cable, rarely go out to eat, etc) I did not inquire into how much money she spent and what she spent it on. I do not open her bills or check her account balances. She has said at times that she is happy about this arrangement. Recently she has begun asking why most of my bills for starting my own medical practice (in MI of all states) are sent to the office address. She has also started opening checks from the local university (where I teach at night for more income) and depositing it for me when delivered while I am working on a Saturday. She said she wants to discuss my financial matters and bills this weekend, with no offer to discuss hers. I tell her OK, I have nothing to hide. This morning, she becomes angry and opens my mail without discussing it with me. Am I bad for being upset?

She also works and has her own paycheck. She has joint custody with her 2 sons we/she are currently in litigation about which costs us money and is the reason I have to stay in Michigan and travel so much.

The reason we have seperate accounts is that in addition to over 150 grand that I owe for medical school I needed to borrow 25k to start the practice (and that wasn't enough.) Without having any assets and already owing over 6 figures I needed a co-sign on my loan (my father) and agreed that they could come get me for everything I am worth should things go down the tubes. I told her I wanted her to keep her own account in her name without my name on them so we would not lose "her" money should by practice go down the tubes.

Sorry about the typos in the details, I can't figure out how to edit it.

Answer 1

You have a right to be upset about it because you've talked about how you guys like things to stay between you regarding personal finances. But that isn't really the problem, the problem is you are a couple and your finances as much as you would like them to stay independent they are no longer an independent/personal matter. A couple needs to discuss all incoming and outgoing finances together because you are a couple. You're in this life together now, you share life, love, responsibilities, and yes money. Marraige is also sacrifice.

Answer 2

as a recently married woman, i can't believe that either of you agreed to a don't ask don't tell financial situation. you share everything - debt, paychecks, loose change, Everything. within a week or so after my husband and i married, we had financial statements and records out in the open. every detail was divulged, and there were a few surprises (though not many, since we had been working together financially for a while). with this information, we worked together to decide on a plan of action to get out of credit card and student loan debt. it feels good knowing that we are on the same team. the biggest change for me was the ability to check each others online accounts. so when my husband asked, what did you buy at safeway today? - it was surprising at first, and there was some hypocrisy on his part, telling me not to spend money, then going and spending it himself. i spoke up about that, believe me! but with communication, everything gets better.
she shouldn't have opened your mail, but it seems obvious by this action, she wants some financial security and planning. i suggest that you and she get all your financial concerns out in the open. you don't have to have joint accounts (we don't) or give each other a penny by penny account, but if you're living paycheck to paycheck, you need to work together and communicate to figure out a way to remedy that, or at least make the burden easier to bear.

Answer 3

I would suggest being completely open with each other, including your finances. Having separate accounts and keeping them to yourselves doesn't help a marriage stay happy. When you discuss things with her this weekend, tell her that you feel it is unfair to discuss only your financial matters, and that if she has the right to oversee your spending, you have the right to oversee hers.

My husband and I have been married just two years. We share accounts. We also are always short on money, since he is still paying off bills for a business that failed (he refused to take bankruptcy, because it isn't honorable). He manages our money on a spreadsheet saved on our computer, and he knows when each check will clear the bank, so that we avoid overdraft charges. If I am going to make a purchase, I always ask him if it's okay (for instance, "do we have money so I can go grocery shopping this afternoon?"). If there is something I really want, he never tells me I can't have it. At the same time, I would never fritter away money on unnecessary things...it is just easy to get along this way. We respect each other and there are no hard feelings.

All this to say, I don't know if most couples could get along like we do...lots of gals I work with tell me how much they spent at the mall and how mad their husband gets at them...and I hear them on the phone chewing out their husband because he spent $ on house repairs, so shouldn't they get to go shopping, too? I just think money is the cause of the majority of divorces and nasty fights.

Hopefully you and your wife can discuss this logically. It helps you feel more like a team if you both are on the same page working together. If she keeps her paychecks to spend on clothes, and you have to pay all the utilities, housing bills, and gas, besides paying for your medical practice...it is going to be a huge sore spot for you. You need to establish your finances as a family, and keep them that way.

I wish you the best of luck with your marriage and money. I feel very fortunate to have a husband who plans where each penny goes. I never worry about money, even though we don't have enough. It's in his hands, and I just help him by not spending a dime unless it's necessary. We went on a week long vacation this past summer and he handed me a bunch of cash and said, "Here, you never buy anything for yourself--go have fun. And don't spend a cent of it on me or the kids." Makes me feel good, hearing him say that.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Everybody is different. I don't blame you for being upset that she is upset & finds that all of a sudden, she'd like to discuss your finances.

However, I do believe that when you're married, you become one. Not to say that you have to share an account..but be open with eachother about the situation. Money is the reason for divorce for a lot of separated couples, so I've heard.

My husband & I split the bills, have different accounts, but we know what each of us is bringing home in case one of us has to cover the other persons half.

None the less, I feel that if you had the arrangement for each of you to handle your own finances & keep the money situation separate...for her to invade your privacy that way is unfair & I don't feel that you're wrong in being upset. My advice is to just talk to her & remind her of the "arrangement" you have together. It sounds like she may like an "adjustment"

Just my thought. I hope this helps.

Answer 5

As far as I understood she came from a different environment than yours. In some houses they will have the facility and atmosphere to keep their own things from early ages and there will be none to intervene or to share their things. That kind of people will feel restless when they will go to places where people are staying by sharing and exchanging things. Now your mother has to understand that nobody will be able to change all of a sudden so give her time to acquaint with the situation. And it is not good for your mother to keep her jewelleries and all. It should be with both of you. You can keep in a locker. No girls will like to go and ask her MIL every time she want something for her personal use, whether it is jewellery or cosmetics or dress items. So give the space of wife to her and keep your mother as your mother. You must have a very tough back bone to solve this problem. Regarding opening wardrobe, tell her once you married her, there is nothing like "mine & yours" but only "Ours). Strongly tell her that you will not allow such kind of attitude. If she is saying that she will go to her mom, don't hesitate to tell her that then she will be permanently there if she will go with such silly cases. Marriage life is 90 % mutual understanding and 10% adjustment. But that 10% should not have much relevance in life than mutual understanding. So Be a husband and at the same time be a son also. Give the space of wife to wife and give the space of mother to mother. Nobody should be allowed to encroach on your space. Good Luck

Answer 6

If you have nothing to hide, then there shouldn't be a problem. If you're not hiding anything and your wife thinks you are, prove to her that your not. Maybe it's that it's easier to handle bills at breaks at the office, just make sure she knows that. If she's still not mad, maybe she thinks you're spending too much money on things (of which I don't know).

Either way, you'll find out when the weekend rolls along, so you might not have to wait long....

Sometimes, though, when husbands ask that they did wrong with something, the wife will say something along the point of "You know what you did!" and not say what you'd done that made her so mad. If that happens, just slap her. :)

Her personality might also have something to do with it, especially if she gets mad easily. If she doesn't, then something must be really wrong. If she does easily, then you shouldn't be worried much.

Answer 7

I can see why you'd be upset. What's her problem all of the sudden? Is she not trusting you or wondering if you're spending money somewhere you "shouldn't" be?

On the other hand why do the two of you have seperate bank accounts in the first place? Shouldn't your money and her money be both of yours?

All in all maybe she is worried about you or your debts. Is it possible that she is doing it strictly out of concern?

In the long run though, I would tell her it bothered you. And unless she wants to share accounts or inform you of her banking information you would appreciate it if she would stay out of yours.

Answer 8

If she doesn't "do" the mailman, I don't see a problem. The problem is financial arguments are the #1 cause of divorce. Obviously she should get a job if you don't have kids, for starters. Yes she should know the financial side, that went out in the 1950's. BUT- SHE HAS TO LEVEL WITH YOU WHERE SHE SPENDS THE MONEY.

Answer 9

I think in a marriage bills should be something you're both aware of. I don't have that kind of arrangement with my husband & we both open the bills, no big deal. Now if he has a letter or birthday card or something personal then I do not open his mail, but if it has something to do with finances, why not?

Answer 10

If you explained it as well to her as you have to us she shouldn't even consider opening your mail! You seem to have your head screwed on financially! Perhaps you should make more demands on her money? Ask her what she wants? If my husband of 19 years started opening my mail I would have the right hump with him!

We have our money not his or mine, but my mail is my mail if I want to share I will! If he doesn't trust my mail he doesn't trust me, in which case what's the point!