Is this right? Please help!?

Question

My parents have been divorced for 20 years. My mother still talks about how much she hates my dad and will be glad when he dies. My dad doesn't even mention my mother. If I talk about my dad to my mum, she freaks out and calls me selfish and says I don't respect her. So...
My grandfather (mum's dad) passed away last Wednesday. My grandmother (father's mum) passed away on Tuesday. I was close to both of them, and this has been extremely difficult to deal with.
Last night I called my mother crying about missing my grandmother. She got irritated and said I was not to mention my grandmother in front of her out of respect. I understand she hates my father, but why can't I mourn my grandmother's and grandfather's deaths together. I was told I can only mourn my grandfather in front of her. When I started crying, she told me I need to "get a grip." I am so hurt. This is supposed to be my mother. She's never really been supportive, but this is ridiculous. Is this right?

Answer 1

Yes, it is ridiculous. Your mother should be able to put aside her own feelings, and help you deal with yours, rather than trying to control what you are allowed to feel in front of her.

Answer 2

Your mother is a cold selfish woman....Your paternal grandmother had nothing to do with the divorce that happened with your parents 20 years ago...You should be able to mourn the loss of your grandmother and you were only looking for some support from your mother...I truly feel sorry for you......I would never in a million years treat my daughter(s) the way your mother has treated you....She only cares about her feelings and obviously hasn't let go of the anger and resentment that she has for your father making her a bitter and miserable person.

Answer 3

Your mother is a very bitter person. This happens when people refuse to accept responsibility for themselves, and instead blame their unhappiness on others. You are going to mourn. Your mother can't control how you feel inside, although it sounds like she thinks she can. So when you are crying just don't mention your grandfather's name and she won't know. If you want to talk about him then call your dad, or a family member from that side. You might think about moving in with your dad too, because your mother's sick soul could infect you in way you aren't even aware of yet. My condolences to you and your family for their tragic losses.

Answer 4

I don't think it's right, but sounds like your mom must of been really hurt by your dad and the divorce if after 20 years she still feels this way. I believe you are your own person and you have the right to mourn both your grandparents. I personally don't think you are disrespecting your mother in anyway. Move on, sadly some people never do.

Answer 5

She's bitter and never got over the divorce. She's not acting like much of a mother not supporting you when you're grieving. See a counselor to learn how to deal with her and if necessary, limit your contact with her. I know she's your mother but if she's not supportive and bashes your father's family all the time, she'll only poison you.

You mentioning your grandmother or father in front of her is not disrespectful. She's just crazy.

Answer 6

Personally, I think your mom is being extremely selfish and can't believe she is treating you this way after your losses! I am sure she's bitter about her situation with your dad and maybe his family, but it is so not fair for her to take that out on you! You have every right to mourn the loss of both of your grandparents, regardless of her feelings! Afterall, you are your OWN person, correct? You are allowed to make your OWN decisions. How old are you? If I were you, I would tell your mum to respect your feelings and to back off of the subject.

Answer 7

Try to understand that both of you are going through a difficult situation. You don't know the dept of what she went through and seems she is so upset with everything she can't are won't understand what pain you are still going through as well. Pray for your mother I assume she is reacting as best as she can under the circumstances. You may try to find a shoulder in a spiritual leader or if you know of a positive mentor. A divorce is a death also so she seem to be grieving very hard and still needs to find peace to forgive your dad for you and herself so that she can go on and have a decent life. With anger and hate you are going down the road to destruction. I know you don't want to lose the women that held you are 9 months a did the best she can with you with the help of your father. Mama mess up we wish we could be perfect but you both need to comfort one another at this time. Be strong your mother loves you but some mama when going through stress don't express their love the way you wish thay would God bless you darling and I hope and pray God give you the peace you and your mother needs

Answer 8

Actually I had a similar proble with my parents as well. I tried to rationalize why my mother disrespected my father so much each after being divorced until my father eventually passed on about 22 years, but growin up everytie I tried to discuss anything with her about him that was a no-no.

So with the exception of the grandparents (sorry for your loss) I can only tell you that you are going to have to fund a way to cope, whether you use your friends or other famaily members (?), but my thoughts are that probably we both experienced extremely rough divorces and both of our mothers never got the closure that they would have liked. So my best advise I can give you is, honor thy mother and never ever discuss your fatherin her presence. Trust me, she will bring up (or talk bad) him maybe and if she doesn't then it will work out. Since my father passed on I only talk about him to my brother and girlfriend. It will be tough but grandparents are the greatest and I think only because your dad'd mom passed she may have bad feelings against her as well, I know it isn't fair, but just don't ever forget either of them but until your mother comes to grips you will always have to deal with this differently.

Answer 9

If she hasn't been supportive in the past, don't look to her for support now.

You should be able to grieve both grandparents. Try your dad, you need someone to talk to and no one should be TOLD who they can and can't mourn over.
Your mother needs to get a grip, not you.

I am sorry for your losses however you already know you can't rely on your mother for support so don't go there, she will only keep making you feel worse.
Talk to your dad.

Answer 10

That is NOT right. My mother would never, ever put her feelings ahead of mine. First off, you are entitled to your feelings and to the love you feel for ALL of your family members. She divorced your dad...you did not divorce your family.

Let her know (in a respectful tone) that you love her and are sorry for the pain she experienced in her marriage but that is the past and was not in any way your fault. Let her know you have lots of love in your heart for all members of your family and that you deserve to express that love when the feelings strike you. Let her know you would never tell her who she can love or mourn and would expect the same courtesy from her.

I always advocate loving and respecting your parents but she seems a little selfish. You have to be the bigger person and remember these feelings when you have children. Always love them, respect and support them. I have the best mother in the world and learned it all from her.

God bless!

Answer 11

I feel that your mom in not acting like a reasonable adult should, I am a single father and i never show any kind of hate toward my x and I hope she( my sons mother) does the same especially in front of our son. This is what I would do is tell your mother that u love your father as much as her and that when she says terrible things like that it makes u feel hurt inside and U want it to stop!! I found out in my life that sometimes standing up for yourself maybe the best for all. In your case maybe your mother will snap out of it and realize that she is hurting u and herself.