need an opinion (english students preferably, but anyone)?

Question

which essay opening (essay is about how Brontë presents Jane Eyre's search for identity)

American author James Baldwin said that “an identity would seem to be arrived at by the way in which the person faces and uses his experience”, and this is certainly definitive of the way in which Brontë presents Jane’s search for identity in Jane Eyre.

OR

St. Augustine said that “Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.” Brontë’s character of Jane is not one such person; her search for identity is comprehensively explored in her “autobiography”.

changed first one to:

American author James Baldwin said that “an identity would seem to be arrived at by the way in which the person faces and uses his experience”, and this is certainly exemplified by the way in which Brontë presents Jane’s search for identity in Jane Eyre; the way in which she endures the hardships of Gateshead and Lowood and the awakenings and heartbreak she encounters at Thornfield shows the importance of experience to her journey of self-discovery.

Answer 1

I prefer the first one. In part, this is due to it applying to the subject at hand. While the second quote is certainly more "poetic", your opening indicates it does not apply. Save it for another essay where it is appropriate.

I do have another problem with the second opening. I am no fan of passive writing. In rare cases, a passive sentence does make sense. Such a case is when the actor is not important when discussing the action.

Instead of "her search is comprehensively explored...", consider "she comprehensively explores her search..."

Another problem with the second opening is your use of past tense. Note how my re-write is not only in an active voice, it is in the present tense.

In critical writing, it is more correct to write "When Romeo comes to see Juliet on the balcony" than "When Romeo came to see Juliet on the balcony".

Considering this, I would edit your first opening, replacing "said" with "states".

Answer 2

Be more definitive in your first comment after each quote.

For the Baldwin quote I'd say something about how Jane's character is strengthened by her experiences...and how she discovers her inner strength through her trials and tribulations with Mr. Rochester.

If you choose the second quote (which is more interesting than the first), say something about how Jane didn't have to travel far on her journey of self-discovery, that she found her true self in an English country house.

Don't forget to speak directly to the quote you use and state your point clearly. Your teacher may want you to discuss her "search for identity" but you don't have to crowbar that phrase into your opening.

Answer 3

i'm guessing lots right here, because of the fact i don't understand the place you're going with your essay: accomplishing the California dream may well be confusing for Mexicans, yet it continually seems somewhat much less confusing if executed actual. Vicente Fox..."...u . s . a .." 3 essays from the (underline right here) California objectives and Realities textbook relate to stories that persons of the Latino lifestyle confronted upon arriving in California. 2 of the essays are from the attitude of immigrants on an identical time as the 0.33 is from a greater American point of view. further: you have observed I positioned your final sentence first. on an identical time because it looked that it belonged in the 1st paragraph, i'm not so optimistic if this is going to likely be the 1st sentence or the 2nd. I is predicated upon what your thesis incredibly is....

Answer 4

The first one. Although I like the second quote better, the fact that you say Jane is NOT such a person makes it a poor choice for introducing your topic.

Answer 5

I like the first one better, but I would change the words definitive of to exemplified by

hmm...maybe its not the word definitive itself I am having a problem with....just doesnt feel completely right to me

Answer 6

I like the first one. It's more concise, and it relates to the character of Jane instead of NOT relating to her like the 2nd one. I think that makes it a better opening.

Answer 7

I prefer the first one. It seemed to catch my eye more than the second and it seems to apply more than the second one would. I would change the word difinitive to something else not sure what though (possibly absolute, conclusive) . Difinitive just doesn't seem to go with the rest of it.

Answer 8

The first one is better because it is more concise and identifies the purpose of the essay better. It is nicely written, by the way.

Answer 9

Second one, it seems nicer, slightly more poetic, if that makes sense :S

Answer 10

before the word or