My husband I and I have been together for almost 8 years. We have two young children and a pretty good relationship. We have a messenger account that he has been using and a few months ago I added the history feature to it because I had a funny feeling ( he cheated on me when we first started dating). Yesterday morning I checked the history and to my horror, I found some crazy things. There was a detailed chat of him trying to meet up with another couple and there was one that said " my wife is away and I am looking for someone to come over" ( I went away for two days for work). I of course confromted him and he insists that he did no go through with anything and did not cheat. I know if one of my friends told me this I would tell them to kick him out, but I don't know what to do. He said he didn't cheat, but if I didn't catch him, how far would this have gone? I feel betrayed and angry, but I don't want my kids to go through a divorce. Should I end it?
2007-10-05 04:57:32 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Get out now while you can. If you saved the messages, they might be good grounds for a fault divorce, meaning that the court would declare that the divorce was his fault due to infidelity and grant you whatever you want (custody, the house, etc.) Check with a lawyer, but either way don't trust him another inch.
2007-10-05 05:03:20 · answer #1 · answered by 1,1,2,3,3,4, 5,5,6,6,6, 8,8,8,10 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
There are two ways to look at this: One, you've invested a lot into this marriage (eight years and two kids) and two, you can cut your losses now and get out early. BUT...
My suggestion is to seek counseling first. Your kids stand to lose the most and you both owe it to them to make the marriage work at all costs.
He needs to discover why he feels the need to seek sex outside marriage. Surely, there is an emotional/psychological underlying reason. If either of you put the blame simply on being bored with one woman, you're making a mistake. Even if he leaves and finds another woman, he still will struggle with monogamy because the problem is within him.
Who knows whether it is his self-esteem or desire for thrills. Whatever it is, get to the bottom of it. Try not to take his cheating personally. It isn't you. He has a problem and needs to seek help or he will destroy his chance for happiness. He will have regrets.
Don't leave so soon. Seek counseling to help deal with the feelings that assail you now, even if he doesn't want to go. But, if this marriage and family mean anything to him, he must seek counseling.
When you said you read a "detailed chat of him trying to meetup with another couple" it shows that he is NOT looking for intimacy or another close emotional relationship (he has you for that.) Why a couple and not a single woman? Does he want to experiment with being with a man in a safe way? Does he want sex with a woman who is married and has the consent of her spouse so is therefore safe, too? It sounds as though he may have a sex addiction. Just the thrill and the sensations that sex provides.
This is a problem with a cure. I would be more inclined to leave if he didn't love me or was emotionally involved with someone else.
Addictions suck, but you have to view sex addiction like alcoholism or cigarette smoking...even though the emotional damage is far greater. Sexual comittment means more to you than it means to him. Sex means love to you; at this point, it is a physical act to him. He probably emotionally doesn't feel as though he is cheating. Even if he did realize it, he might not be able to control himself.
Please, please seek help. Save your marriage. Save your family.
With love, all things are possible.
Good luck. :)
2007-10-05 05:10:17 · answer #2 · answered by hope03 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How painful to know the person you love is giving all their love and time and devotion to someone else.
There are few things worse in life than when someone you love is with someone else. Your life stops. you are devastated, and in many ways there is a feeling of hopelessness. Most of all, you are feeling life will never be the same.
You are feeling broken hearted lonely and despondent because of a relationship
Bing Love Back Restore Passion no matter how far away this person may be from you.
no matter how difficult or hopeless your situation appears
Margo Has Been Saving Marriages, And Relationships Including
Returning Love For Over 20 Years
Love Psychic Margo Masters
Returns Lost Love, Restore Passion
http://www.psychicmargo.net
Call For your Free consultation Today
2007-10-05 05:09:49 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
The reason you feel betrayed is cause you were BETRAYED. I have been married 7 years and have 2 small children as well. If my husband did this I would kick him out. I don't think I could forgive or forget. Him cheating would make me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. And even if I did take him back I would always be suspicious everytime he was on the computer or everytime he came home late. I would always think in the back of my mind...is he cheating? And that is no way to live.
The best advice my mom gave me (and my father cheated on her) was its better to be happy single than miserable married.
2007-10-05 05:05:48 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you do not trust him, there is no relationship. Are you snooping because of the previous cheating or are you insecure in the relationship? What is missing that you are doing this?
You can continue to dwell on this and make your relationship worse, or you can make changes in yourself.
You need to read the following book:
The Surrendered Wife (do not left the title fool you, it is not about being submissive)
You married him and choose him to be the father of your children even though you knew he cheated. You cannot live in the past and punish him.
I would suggest counseling.
Good Luck and go do something nice for yourself!
2007-10-05 05:43:39 · answer #5 · answered by Tadpoler 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think that u need to put ur foot down and let him know what he's doing is wrong and if he wants to lose his wife and his kids then he can continue doing what he's doing and be SINGLE! U dont know nething 4 sure so dont jump to any life altering decisions yet. Stand tall and show him that ur not gonna take it, if he loves u and isn't cheating he'll stop sending messages like that and prove to u that u can trust him.
2007-10-05 05:03:04 · answer #6 · answered by Samantha1029 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's just fantasizing and window shopping. From time to time I chat with other women. I would never cheat on my wife.
Hang in there. Ask him what you can do to fill whatever need he is trying to fulfill. Was it fantasy, lack of intimacy, lack of something. But "boot" him due solely to a chat log. That would potentially be a major waste.
2007-10-05 05:44:49 · answer #7 · answered by scott_v1963 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I assume you are printing out paper copies of these on-line histories?
You might as well because he will set up another account so you won't have access.
It sounds like he is cruising or attempting to do so.
Try counseling and see if it can help you two to establish common ground and playing rules. If not, you need to determine what you are and are not going to SETTLE FOR in your marriage. If you allow him to step out, don't expect it to stop.
You need to collect copies of all financial records so you can collect 1/2 of all assets accrued during the marriage.
He probably will not file divorce on his own... most such men would rather maintain their stability with one woman while they look for playthings outside the marriage.
2007-10-05 05:37:12 · answer #8 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes, end it. Why would he do something like that if he didn't want to go through with it? I mean why would anybody do that? Of course your husband is going to say he didn't go through with it, because he does not want to get caught so HE'S GOING TO LIE about it. Your husband has cheated on you once befor what makes you think he wouldn't do it again?
2007-10-05 06:07:21 · answer #9 · answered by Kasja 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He's cheated on you in the past: "he cheated on me when we first started dating." And now, as you said, he's cheating on you in the present. If he cheated on you in the past and is still currently cheating on you, the chances of him cheating on you in the future are very high. My advice to you is to leave him. You sound like a wonderful woman, and you definitely deserve a decent and loyal man.
2007-10-05 05:04:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋