Torn between 2 people, What should I do?

Question

To Make a long story short, I have been married to this guy for 2 1/2 years now. He is in the military and most of our relationship had been long distance. I was head over heels in love with him til the day I found out he cheated on me while being stationed overseas. It about tore me to pieces. He admitted it and we are trying to work it out. We knew it wasnt easy but we were gonna try.come to the crazy part.
I have had this friend that I used to talk to a lot before I got married. We talked online a lot before but then I hooked up with my hubby and he got married. We lost touch for awhile and now he is back in my life. we started talking again since he and his wife are having problems, he's also in the military.
Our talks have been getting intense and now he and I have developed feelings for each other.we have an understanding that we should work on our relationship til we do something about our feelings. I feel like the more I talk to him, I get attach even more.

Answer 1

Just like your husband confronted temptation, that's what lies directly ahead of you on the path you're on, and you know it. Part of you feels betrayed and you've already given yourself tacit approval to cheat....that's why you're even having these conversations with this guy in the first place. Of course, you're also well aware that two wrongs don't make a right, so this isn't nearly the mind-scrambling dilemma you think it is. In everyway that matters this guy isn't "available" anyway. Whenever marriages have problems (and face it, when don't they?) there is always someone to show up on the horizon to test the bonds you have with your mate...and here's the crazy part: oftentimes these people overlap in roles. That means, you represent the "victim" in one portion of this scenario, but you're also poised to be temptation and the subsequent villian to another relationship. Maybe on some levels you think your husband deserves this treatment, but does this guy's wife deserve this as well? And how would you know for sure?
Unfortunately military existence is like this, at least for awhile: Hungry guys making a bee-line for your door the instant your husband deploys; lonely women eager to be a shoulder for some guy thousands of miles away from his sweetheart. (Or folks listening through your apartment walls for the slightest hint of discord within your household so they know exactly when to make their move with promises of greener grass, better communication, better sex....whatever.) But here's the thing: if life was so great with them, why are they having similar difficulties with their spouse? Could it be that it's just a struggle for everybody, and everyone has common hurdles they have to negotiate as a married couple in order to be stronger survivors?
There's a lot to think about here, but I'm sure few things are ever made better by cheating. Good luck in whatever you decide, though.

Answer 2

And yet another brilliant example of how friendships between men and women are not really friendships after all. And now you're having feelings for this guy who is married. Well do I remember the sordid tales of military marriages from my days in the Air Force... Your husband created a mess of your lives when he cheated on you, and now you're turning that mess into a catastrophe. Either work on your marriage or get out. Don't get involved with your "friend" until his divorce is final (if that ever happens) These are the right things to do, but I'm sure you're not interested in doing what's right in this situation.

Answer 3

I know exactly how you feel. I am kind of torn right this moment is a situation almost like this. I wish I knew what to tell you. The only difference is my husband hasn't cheated on me. We just seem to have drifted a little and don't get to see each other much to work and such. I wish that I could tell you that it is easy but I am struggling myself. My best friend said that I just needed to ask myself, "Is my marriage over or do I want it to be over." My answer is no, but I really like talking to this guy.
So what do you do?

Answer 4

You have no right to be upset with your husband for cheating if you're doing it too. And are you really "trying to work it out"? There is no way in the world you're going to be able to work on your marriage with another person in the picture. And this other guy is married too? Good God. Keep your nasty legs closed for once.

I pray there are no kids involved in this mess.

Answer 5

Two wrongs do not make a right... you cannot use your husbands cheating as an excuse for your behavior. You chose to remain with your husband and to try to work it out. You will not be a ble to do this if you hold on to the past. YOu must forgive him for one thing. Secondly if you really want to work it out involving yourslef with someone else is the worst thing you can do...you should be sinking your emotions and energy into saving your marriage instead. IF you can't do this you need to divorce him. You chose to stick by him no matter what he did, you doing the same back only complicates things and makes for worse situation.

IF you can't ultimatiely handle what he did to you...leave him...

Then you are of clear conscience to do what you want to in life and with whoever you want to....

Answer 6

I think you need to evaluate why you are developing feelings for this other guy. It sounds like you are trying to sabotage your marriage because you aren't getting what you want out of it. If you feel your relationship is worth saving, then you need to speak with your husband and get your needs met. If you simply can't get past the one time cheat (hopefully it was only one time, if not then you need to worry about that) then I think it is probably time for you to consider a divorce. I think you are wise to wait to pursue this new/old guy until you figure out your feelings.

If you decide to work on your marriage then you should probably tone down your friendship or end it completely with this other guy. If you are working on a marriage then you need to dedicate yourself to that.

In my opinion you are acting worse than you husbands one time cheat. His cheat didn't have any emotional attachment to it (its no excuse for his actions though). You are emotionally cheating on your husband, you have started a relationship with this other man, that continues from day to day, I find this to be just as bad as a physical cheat.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

You are doing the same thing to your husband, and this other man's wife (have you thought about her and how she is going to feel the same way that you did, when she finds out, and she will!) that your husband did to you.

Work on your marriage first, since you have committed to that. Tell this man that you wish to have no communication at all until you've figured it out and made a decision to either be completely faithful to your marriage or end it.

Tell your husband about the emotional affair that you've been having, so that everything is out in the open.

Answer 9

Be above doing something because he did it to you.

Make sure you are out of one relationship before you start another.

You need to make sure that you are completely finished with your husband and that you guys have done everything you need or want to do to make you marriage work. And your "love interest" needs to make sure that he is completely done with his marriage as well.... you two should probably wait for divorce between both of you before you even think of moving past the stage of friendship.

Answer 10

Of course the more you expand your relationship with this guy the more intense it's going to get. That goes without saying. So you have a tough question to answer. Put this dude out of the question completely. You have to consider...irrespective of him being in the picture...whether you want your marriage to continue or not. Tell him you need a couple of weeks of no contact, and really search yourself. If you want your marriage to continue, you'll have to break it off with him....period. If you are ready for divorce, you need to do it based on your own life and the decision to do it. Your life and your marriage are important issues for YOU, and you don't make this decision lightly. Don't fall into the "grass is always greener" trap. It's got to be a decision that you commit to fully, without the issue of anyone else in your life.