If your husband had lunch with an old high school (female) classmate and you found out from your neighbors because they just happen to be at the same restaurant would you be upset and think he was having an affair??????? If you were the neighbors would you think badly of him????
2007-10-05 04:21:02 · 39 answers · asked by Cookie48 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think your husband should have told you, finding out the way you did would upset anyone, he should understand that. Tell him to put himself in your shoes. I doubt anything is going on he probably thought you would get upset but you need to ask yourself how did they get into contact with each other in the first place? Just be straight forward with him and ask him why he didn't let you know what was going on.
Good Luck
2007-10-05 04:27:15 · answer #1 · answered by Shy 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Yes, I would be upset, not that he had lunch with classmate, but that he didn't tell you & you found out elsewhere.
Surely, he can see how embarrassing this is if nothing else.
I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that he was having an affair. How would you have reacted if he had told you? If he knows that you get jealous easily, he could've just been trying to avoid a scene and figured you wouldn't find out and what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you.
I have come to believe that my ex probably cheated on me the whole time we were married, but it didn't catch up with him until we moved to a small town where I had as many/more contacts & friends as he did--he was a "city boy" and didn't realize how word gets around in a small town. (Isn't that a country song?)
Anyway, if you are just looking for a reason to be mad, you've definitely got one.
On the other hand, if you are committed to the marriage and want to try and fix this, approach your husband from the direction of how would he feel if the situation were reversed? In your scenario, pick the mostly studly guy from your past you can come up with (preferably that he knows about), and for the role of the "neighbors who saw you", choose someone that he would particularly hate to be embarrassed by (his boss, the preacher, etc.) Maybe this will give him some perspective on the situation. How is your relationship elsewise? If you two are going through a rough patch, this could certainly be more serious than if prior to this incident you have had a happy marriage.
If he is remorseful, I think a good penance for start would be to have him do the explaining to the neighbors. Maybe he is just a thoughtless jerk and not a cheat, but if I were you I'd sure be on my guard for awhile.
If I were the neighbors, I don't know if I would've told you. Unless you are really close, that kind of comes under the heading of "none of their business". I probably would've quietly gossiped about it with my spouse & wondered (I guess that's pretty much the same as thinking badly), but I'm not sure I would've had the nerve to mention it.
I have probably always worried too much about what other people think of me and my family, and that was definitely one of the hardest things about my divorce. I spent several years walking around that same small town wondering who knew what details about his affairs (or what other women I crossed paths with in town he might have been involved with) and if they knew me and what they were saying about me behind my back. I was really worried that some thoughtless kid would repeat some ugly story he had overheard from his parents to one of my kids at school. I was never able to get this point across to my ex--he lives in his own world where he is the center of the universe and is pretty much oblivious to others.
I guess I am projecting my ex's behavior onto your situation--but take any piece of this response that applies and helps you for what it's worth.
Best of luck to you--hope you can work this out!
2007-10-05 04:49:47 · answer #2 · answered by arklatexrat 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Two things come to mind. First off, if he'd told you or asked if it was okay, HOW would you have reacted? That might be the only reason you don't know. I have an ex bf, and if I ever had lunch with him (which I never plan to do) but I'd NEVER be tempted for it to be anything beyond that. Maybe it was just a meeting for "closure" or something. At any rate, it was NOT right for him to do that behind your back. I would be fuming because it was hidden from me. (Been there, done that...not an ex gf, but a female friend that he had lunch with for YEARS without me being aware) It makes you feel both suspicious and hurt and angry. I'd let him know that this is unacceptable. If he feels he needs to see old friends like gfs, then he needs to be open. If he has nothing to hide, he'd be willing to do that. Either way, I'd probably be sparked to do a little investigation on my own since I'd now know that I wasn't getting the facts from my HUSBAND. Nobody likes to be the last one to know in these situations. Yes...I'd be upset.
2007-10-05 04:30:04 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
The question is, why did he not mention it to you .... it could be because he thought it was unimportant or he thought you may be suspicious ..... whichever the reason, you need to confront him.
I had an ex do this to me, he would meet up with his ex's (!!!) and not tell me. When I found out and confronted him, he said that he had never lied to me! Pah ... only coz I'd never asked the question! I have no idea if these meetings were innocent and friendly, he said they were and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Whatever his reasoning, you have to go on your instincts. The situation seems wrong, and you obviously have your doubts, so confront him and see what he says. Try to be calm about it and then maybe he won't get too defensive. Remember, it could all be innocent, but make sure he knows that if it was innocent, he has made himself look guilty by being secretive. Couples shouldn't have secrets like that, it destroys trust.
Good luck and chin up x
2007-10-05 04:31:44 · answer #4 · answered by Mocha 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I sure would be upset, he should of told you instead of you finding out from the neighbor, seems to me that he wouldn't think twice of having an affair if he didn't talk to you about this.
If i was the neighbor i probably would have lost some respect for him and i would probably be more suspicious when you weren't home and he was.
2007-10-05 04:26:38 · answer #5 · answered by catbri34 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If I were the neighbors, I wouldnt care. I would consider it none of my business. ( friends and former classmates have innocent lunches im sure). If I found out my hubby had, I would question it but not jump to conclusions. ( maybe they ran into each other at the place, who knows). Could be innocent. I would watch out for other red flags but otherwise remain calm. ( dont let your neighbors busy-body you into a panic) good-luck.
2007-10-05 04:43:58 · answer #6 · answered by undone 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If my husband did not tell me about it, I would be highly upset and wonder what he was hiding. As for the neighbors, it doesn't really matter what they think. What is more important is if your husband is honest with you.
There are some women who are okay with their husband having female friends, but I am not one of them. And when I say friends, I mean someone they hang out with without their respective spouses. Honesty is key, so I wish you luck!
2007-10-05 04:27:51 · answer #7 · answered by Joy L 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Yes and No. Is he having an affair probably not. You dont know if it was a chance meeting or if it was planned you dont know what was said and if it was a male friend you wouldnt be reacting in this way. TALK TO HIM just say oh balh and blah saw you at the
2007-10-05 04:25:51 · answer #8 · answered by ~*~ 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Did he try to hide it when you asked him? Hopefully you asked....But I wouldn't worry about what the neighbors think. If they were just having lunch...and not touching and kissing...then why did the neighbor feel like they JUST HAD to say something. As long as he doesn't hide things from you, then keep the trust. Because once the trust is lost....there's no turning back. Just food for thought....
2007-10-05 04:29:05 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
I would not be upset marriage is all about trust if u cant trust his ask him about it i wouldnt think badly of him at all but i u have a problem with his meeting a old friend for lunch just ask him about her and if u think his cheating find out that just follow ur hunch he might be not be mad at you if you meet or saw a friend who was male and for lunch so dont think so negative and forget the neighbors they need to mind there own business
2007-10-05 04:26:05 · answer #10 · answered by devandanielle 2 · 1⤊ 3⤋