How do you stop your husband from belittling you?

Question

He is a recovering alcoholic.WAS physically abusive. Been alcohol free,now, for 3 yrs. Stopped the physical, NOW, it's constant belittling,& disrespect.No loving on me, sex, ONLY when HE wants it. ONLY thing he does outside of work is occasionally take out trash. Also curses me in front of people, rolls his eyes @ everything I say. So not even his kids respect me.I love them all dearly. Just tired of hangin my head in shame due to my "stupidity." PLEASE don't give me B.S. answers. This is very serious, & hurts. Thank-you guys !

You all need to know that I'm disabled.He has told me I don't need to get on disability,HE'LL take care of me. I have no way to take care of myself,now.No body to stay with. I HAVE discussed it with him & he says I'm crazy & stupid.

Answer 1

Everytime I hear these stories, I get flashbacks of a step-father that was JUST like this. Then, I grew up, and "accepted" the same behavior in my own relationships, because I guess I overlooked red flags I should have paid attention to, OR maybe it's all I knew, and it was familiar, and I figured it was "all my fault" like I'd always been told.

Today, I have found something called SELF respect and SELF worth, and I realize I AM VALUABLE! I am smart, funny, kinda cute in my own way, compassionate, warm, and I have a LOT to offer someone. I am NOT stupid. Neither are you. The thing is, people will treat us the way we will allow them to treat us. I know you don't want to hear this, because yes, it DOES hurt, but YOU are the reason you are going through this, because YOU don't demand something different. It's really hard to do when you love someone, but I discovered something. I have to love MYSELF as much or MORE than I love him, because when it comes right down to it, I am responsible for my OWN happiness. If I don't demand respect, and make that happen for myself, who will?
You are a beautiful woman, and ironic as this sounds, STRONG too. You HAVE to be strong to endure this kind of thing. Now take that strength, and turn it around in YOUR favor for once. Don't put up with this. I'd let him know (just like I did someone else in my life) that he could not talk to nor treat me this way ANY more. Set very specific consequences, then live up to them. IF it means leaving, be prepared to do that. Idol threat mean nothing. IF he loves you, he will take notice and correct himself before he loses you. If not, you will be moving toward a more abundant life with no more of this humiliation game, and pain. I know this sounds impossible, but it's not. Take it from me, because I know. Good luck.

Answer 2

Have you tried speaking to him about this. I know it must be difficult trying to recover from being an alcoholic but it's no excuse at all for the way he's treating you. Draw a line in the sand tell him what you will and will not accept. If he crosses it tell him what you'll do. The consequences of what you'll do are up to you. however I wouldn't give my too much rope.

If I were you I'd prepare my exist. No matter how much you think you love him or his kids. If you're not happy that';s all that counts. In the first few months after I met my wife I was a little verbally abusive but when she drew the line I realized I have to figure out why I'd belittle her in front of others. You know what I found out, it was my own insecurities and inadequacies that had festered and turned into something ugly and I directed that ugliness at her. My wife was smart. She drew the line told me exactly how it was going to go down if I didn't change and that was the best wake up call I've ever had. We've been together 16 years.

Stand tall and be respected or walk out. The change should take months, weeks or even days. It should be instant or at least the effort of change should be instant. Accept no less.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

My my, you have been through a lot. The only way I can think of to stop him is to tell him. Try sitting him down on a "good" day and telling him how thankful you are for all the changes he has made. Be sure to let him know you are not belittling the things he has achieved. And then tell him all that you just told us. (I would leave out the cursing. lol) Tell him you want to be treated as a respectable adult, that if he has an issue with you he should come to you and talk like an adult instead of saying things in front of people and making you feel unworthy of any kind of respect. Good luck to you and God bless.

Answer 4

Belittle her in front of people the next time she starts in on her husband. She needs to made an example out of. How the hell would anybody know what to buy a spouse when they spend their time convincing others they hate you. He will never win her over with the "right" gift. He can only feed her ammunition by doing what anybody would do in his shoes. The fact he buys her anything shows more about him. The fact she belittles him shows a LOT about who she is. She could be completely unaware of this. Embarass her. If you are really her best friend,, she will continue to be if it helps her hate campaign come to an end.

Answer 5

So he moved from physical abuse to emotional abuse. The question is, why are you staying with him? No one deserves to be treated that way. You have put up with enough. Talking to a guy like this and telling him how it makes you feel isn't going to do any good because he is a bully and he will use your openness against you. It is time for you to reclaim your life and your self esteem. Tell him you are done being his emotional punching bag and walk out the door. I know it will be hard, but if you don't you have nothing but a lifetime of misery ahead of you. You deserve so much better. Get out and then please get yourself into therapy so you can work through the abuse that you have suffered all this time.

Answer 6

You either need to get out of the situation. The reason why he doesn't want you to go on disability is because he wants you to depend on him totally. It's control. If you have other income, you are more able to leave, taking away some of his leverage against you. He doesn't want to take care of you out of love, it's out of control and domination. If you decide to stay, give it back to him and don't let him bother you. When he makes some smart comment, just say something like, "hmmm" or "whatever" (think about the "zen" episode from That 70s Show where Hyde teaches Jackie how to handle people being rude and trying to get a rise out of her). Just say something like, "OK, sorry you feel that way" and don't change your behavior. The reason why he continues to belittle you is because he sees that it hurts you. Don't let it. However, I would get on disability and leave. Work on financial planning and living arrangements when he is away at work, then leave once you're set up. Don't give him notice. Have family help you pack and get out quickly and under the radar when he is out.

Answer 7

You are very brave and love him enough to stand by him. Don't give up your almost there, Now if he started drink when he was 17 lets say- then that how old he is now. His personal development has been scrambled because of his drinking. He needs to be reminded of his behavior (good and bad), do this once the kids are in bed! Make sure the kids are in bed in enough time for you guys to talk every night. Tell him how you miss his affection and how you miss giving him affection. Recovery is so hard and he's stuck, drag him up out. Silence during his bad behavior usually is better then fighting in front of the kids. -follow up with him later and make sure you tell him that you are bringing it up later because of the stuff he says is hurt your family, little ear will one day think their dad is a bad husband. Goodness sweetheart make sure you are loving yourself and know you are worth so much better by I too have stood by the man I love.

Answer 8

I don't know what you would consider a B.S answer, but I hope this isn't it. Because it's the truth.

It if hurts you, stop doing it. This goes for sticking your hand in a trash compactor, smacking a beehive with your forehead, and staying in a relationship for so long to the point where he obviously doesn't want to be with anymore. That's what I think it is. I think he's lashing out at you verbally to try and push you away from him. I mean, that's what I do to people I don't like, you know?

I know you love him, but sometimes we can love someone that just ISN'T RIGHT FOR US.

Answer 9

I am not trying to give you textbook advice here so please bear with me if it sounds like I am. I did read your question carefully and twice!

First off, you are a strong woman on the outside I am willing to bet to most people, but inside, you feel like a big nothing. You know in your heart you are a worthwhile person, but his constant verbal abuse has slowly erroded at your very being. I am sorry for you for that. It hurts. And it is even more stressful because a women who is also a mother has to "keep it together" and "be strong" for her children.

You aren't stupid. You've done what millions of women have done through the ages...you've tried to keep your family together because it was your God given nature to do so. You've tried to put your family before youself. Don't feel alone in that regard...in fact, "welcome to the club! We've been waiting on you!"....most of us women have been through something similar to yoru predicament at one time or another.

My advice is this:

You cannot change him, but you can change yourself. You will begin changing yourself today. Stop thinking yourself a victim. You are a SURVIVOR and a strong warrior woman. You've been through the darkness and no one can take that from you. Not even HIM.

I strongly encourage you to contact your counties human services department and have them help you get in contact with the appropriate people that can and will help you. You do not have to leave your situation to get help for yourself. Most if not all states have family shelter services of some sort that offer SO MANY programs for women and children living with domestic violence and abuse....please, get some counseling. Meet with other people (women) that have been through this.

I wish you the very best!

Answer 10

Bring things up when you guys are both in a good mood. Tell him how much you love him, but how sometimes he says things that hurt you. After, when he says something belittling, tell him that you don't like being called -whatever-. Try and be honest and don't attack him, just let him know what bothers you.

No one deserves to be treated like that, especially by there husband. Hopefully this will help things.