I met my husband when I was 16, he was 21. We immediatly started dating. A month into our relationship, I saw what kind of a jerk he was. But he manipulated me into thinking I needed him. He told me he hated unfaithful people and even told me he drempt of killing me. I have always known what a violent guy he was. He has in the past, hit me numerous times. But since we have been married, he hasn't. The thing is, I don't love him. I am now 23 and I realize what a HUGE mistake I have made. In our relationship, I have found myself thinking about other guys very often. But I'm not that kind of person. I want a relationship, but not with him. We are like night and day. He hates animals, nature walks, everything I love. I have to pretend to everyone (for him) that I completely agree. He has made me hate myself and I have tried for SO long to avoid this. Now I have met some guy from work, and he makes my heart flutter. i never felt that with my husband. I'm scared he will hurt me/family.HELP
2007-10-05 03:34:35 · 12 answers · asked by PleaseHelp 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Honey, if you made a mistake by marrying a violent person, there is NO shame in getting out. Get a restraining order, or whatever you have to do, but do NOT get involved with another man right now. Don't make another mistake right off the bat. If you're going to get out of this, then you need to stand alone for just a little while until you CLEARLY know what you want, know how to spot red flags in people and have the strength to pay attention to those red flags instead of dismissing them, AND you need to know that if it comes down to it and YOU are all you have, you can survive. Then, and only then can you make good judgements on people for relationships. (Can you hear the experience in my words?)
To jump from the frying pan to the fire is absolutely the worst thing you could do right now. I'm not saying the guy at work wouldn't be good for you. But you, and the drama tied to you right now certainly wouldn't be good for EITHER of you. Get out of this first, build up some self worth and faith, THEN pursue what you want out of life free and clear. Good luck.
2007-10-05 03:41:00 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
Well, first off just ebcause you met some great guy, does not mean that this guy will want to date you long term much less marry you. So if you are going to leave your husband, which everyone who answers this will agree you SHOULD...do it because he is violent, you do not love him and YOU deserve better. You deserve a chance at REAL love. You made a mistake. we all do. But kudos for realizing.
If you are concerned for your safety, I would mention this to everyone I knew, all my family and friends. Then take a day off work..take wahtever you can to a relatives house. If you have no where to go, find an apt. first. BUT the most important thing to do is while you are still in the house act as if everything is OK. When you leave, call him...tell him you do not love him, that you thank him for all the years of happiness but you need to move on, and that this was the best way. Tell him there is no one else. and do not date anyone else, even if you want to..not for awhile. If he threatens you in any way, file a police report, and tell him you have done so. I think he would be less likely to hurt you if he knows there is already a file on him.
And be extra cautious. Do not go out at night by yourself. Ask someone to accompany you most places. Tell your job also of your concerns, and have them alert security, bring in a picture of him.
2007-10-05 03:44:47 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think that when you marry someone for better or for worse, the part about loving and honoring comes into play also. Hitting your partner/spouse is not honoring them it is intimidation at its peak. Verbally and/or mentally abusing your spouse is not real honorable either, (this goes for both or either sexes). So for better or for worse is out the window because we dont get to pick and choose our vows, unless we write them ourselves and in that case hardly anyone writes in there vows that they will put up with or lovingly accept being treated without dignity by their partner.
I think that you are young and if you take care of yourself and find out why you are in such an abusive relationship (you could be abusive too, I dont know or you may already know and have changed but....) and take the steps to change you can have a great life. But, I dont know if that life will include your present husband or not, sometimes both people change if there is enough love and want but I dont see it often. If you leave, inform some safe friends ahead of time so they can help and realize that violent relationships can have violent endings so please, please be real careful......gl....sandra
Personally, although I am married due to a rather large amount of booze on both our parts, especially mine cuz I am small, (we only knew each other 14 hours, dont party single in Reno, cuz it does not always stay there) and we are struggling to not kill each other (not physically just a few age differences, he is 10 years younger than me) and see if we can salvage a relationship out of it (there is a great attraction to each other), I think marriage is way out dated.
P.S. about the other guy.........as most have said..........it will only cause you a lot more strife in your life right now.......until you are safely out of the one you are in, you should not try to get involved in another, it can cause a lot more negative things to happen and the outcome could be to your detriment. If he happens to be the one, he will be there when you are ready to start fresh, take care of yourself no matter what though.
2007-10-05 04:19:15 · answer #3 · answered by scsspace 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, you should never start something before you finish something. Just makes for more trouble down the road. And a good man isn't going to get in a relationship with a married woman. He just won't. He will respect himself and the other person and the institute of marriage too much. So if this man is willing to date a married woman, not only is he not going to be a long-term relationship for you, he will never trust you. There's an old saying 'If they will do it with you, they will do it TO you.'
If you are unhappy and you cannot work things out in your marriage, then file for divorce and leave. Then when your divorce is final, start dating.
2007-10-05 03:41:41 · answer #4 · answered by James Watkin 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am sorry...but nobody manipulated you into marrying your husband.....You had a choice and you made a bad decision in marrying this violent man. He also didn't MAKE you hate yourself...again you have chosen to do this.....You married too young to an abusive man...you need to leave him and divorce him.....but getting involved with some guy from work isn't the smartest thing to do...it is cheating and your husband is likely to go off the deep end if and when this information is made known to him.
2007-10-05 03:43:57 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
Honey, he is just frustrated and so tends to drown his frustration at the computer. He may also be into porn which is cheating on you and can actually "replace" his sexual activities with you. I would go into that computer and begin to investigate. I would also go and get professional counseling, even if he doesn't go. The fact that he is ignoring the problem spells trouble since it won't go away. Enough of the agony! It is time to take action and live well. Take life seriously and live it INTENTIONALLY. Nothing worth having was ever handed down. Act TODAY! Take care, Mr. M on "no intimacy."
2016-05-21 08:15:54 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
File for divorce and get out of this loveless abusive marriage and get a restraining order againist him.. I would buy a gun also but that just me I'm not telling you to do it that is what i would do if i was in the same situation.. good luck
2007-10-05 03:43:06 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are only 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. If you are truly not in love with him then break it off. If you truly love him (and have kids) but you are looking for that 'heart flutter' then you are not being responsible. My wife (of 13 years with 5 kids) always told me she would divorce me before she would cheat on me; I caught her 2 weeks cheating. I always trusted her, now our family is destroyed along with me. All because she could not control her feelings and be responsible to her family. Yea! I had urges throughout the years, but I never did anything about them
2007-10-05 04:02:24 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
DIVORCE him. You deserve better then that. BUT I would not go into anything with anyone else for at least a year. You need to develop yourself first. Find out who you are and try it on your own for a while. You were so young. Good luck.
2007-10-05 03:45:38 · answer #9 · answered by GB 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you don't have children, then go for it.
If you do have children I find it as your moral obligation to leave him. You did make a big mistake, and they shouldn't be the ones to pay for it. However, if you choose to run away with this new stud, I suggest you take it slow. Divorces are hard on kids, but remarriage/boyfriends can be even more detrimental.
Goodluck.
2007-10-05 03:41:02 · answer #10 · answered by Lollipop 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋