Am I asking too much of my wife by wanting a love life??

Question

My wife and I have been married for 9 years and I love her dearly. For the last 3 (since we started having children) our love life is all but gone. We might be intamate one or two times a year right now. She says she has begun to think a lot more about it lately, but usually during the day. By the time the kids go to bed she is tired and has lost interest. I have tried romantic offers for dinners and dates but she feels guilty leaving the kids with family or sitters. Our time together is enjoayable and we have lots of fun along with a good overall relationship except for this aspect. She gets very irritated if I persist and says it is all I care about so I do not bring it up nearly as often any more. What can I do to help her understand my desires and increase our intamacy?

Answer 1

Whip it out

Answer 2

speaking from a womans perspective and actually from experience. She is tired, it does have an effect, but she has to compromise, but so do you. Help her around the house put the kids to bed for her a couple of nights a week, do all the things she is required too, then you can take that excuss away from her, the first night give her a nice massage, but don't make any sexual advances, because she will say, oh you did that just to get some. The next night rub her feet and hit those pressure points which are also stimulants in her feet then offer a massage again, she will be ripe for the picking, but don't wait until late in the evening. Do this early enough so she can still get enough sleep for the next days work

Answer 3

Dear Joe,
I read all of the answers. I am a woman who was serially abandoned by my now ex-husband. He was interested in intimate behavior before marriage but pushed me away immediately after. I am telling you this for this reason:
You can not go on, as I did, waiting and hoping through the dry spells. Not sharing intimacy will kill your marriage.
You have got to do something. What that is you must decide upon with your wife.
1) Arrange for the kids to out of the house at relative's or friend's.
2)Take that time "to talk" about the seriousness of the situation.
Explain your feelings. Listen to her. Hopefully, you will discover that the desire is there but it is being side-lined by any number of reasons. It isn't just her problem. It is a problem for both of you.
3)( I will attempt to speak for all women. Forgive the impertinance, ladies.)
Show love and affection throughout the day, every day, without pushing for intercourse. Stroke her arm. Help her with something. Kiss her. Smile at her. Tell her that you love her. In bed, just hold her. Cuddle. Caress. Ask her what she wants. Then, just do that.
4) If you both feel that you need a therapist, then begin seeing one. Once every two weeks or once a month may be helpful to get you to figure out some strategies for coming back together.
5) Understanding and compassion go a long way towards finding the passion of your mutual love.
6) As long as the love is there, you will both benefit from the work.
7) Be patient. Know that you will be able to fix things.
8) My best wishes to you and my admiration for you, because you care.
C. :)!!

Answer 4

While these suggestions sound nice, and sincere, take it from a guy who's been there.

She won't change. It doesn't get better. It gets worse.

Oh sure every now and then with a big friggin' "date" planned out, you might get some. But this is what happens in *real* life ---

[1] before marriage, women mis-represent their sex drive as being much higher and more active than it really is (sometimes on purpose, sometimes they are just thinking "oh his wanting sex won't last. it will die down.")

[2] once you get married, she shows her *real* sex drive - and that means 1-3 times a month if you are LUCKY. if you ask for more than that, you are a "prev" and it's "all you think about."

[3] kids and the business of running a house replace sex on her List of Important Things To Do so it slips to # 791, after "Shopping at Pottery Barn", "Shopping at Nordstrom", "Shopping at Neimann Marcus", "Shopping at Steve Madden", "thinking about chocolate", "reminding him to change a lightbulb", "asking a huge question during the last 2 minutes of a football game", and a lot of other sh*t.

[4] sex remains #1 on your list (as it always will), and that's when the frustration sets in.

[5] you find a way to deal, but it won't be by getting more sex from her. some ways are more ethical and some aren't. everyone faces their own decision on that one.

I suggest distance running, beer, & ESPN, and plenty of all of 'em, brother. This is no sex for me since 1992 talking, plus of the 14 couples who have met for poker once a month for the past 15 years, i'd say of those 14 guys 11 are in the same boat - architects, university profs, business owners, teachers, a UPS driver, an EMT - it cuts across all jobs and types.

be warned -- the women of Yahoo Answers are insatiable nymphos who never get enough sex or give enough head - but out in the real world, it's a different story.

but hey - welcome to the club!

Answer 5

Lots of couples have this problem. It sounds like your wife has a busy schedule. Rather than trying to squeeze intimacy in, try to make it part of the schedule, ask her when the best time is and set a date and time, even if you have to take a long lunch. As it becomes more a part of your routine you will find time to do it more often.

You are NOT asking too much, and you should NOT feel guilty about asking her (if you're only getting it a couple times a year, that WOULD be all you're thinking about.) Lots of women don't understand that men NEED sex. See if she'll read the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It really helped me in my marriage, it helped us both to see what the opposite sex requires. Since a man's needs are so different from a woman's (almost exact opposite), both of them have a hard time understanding what the other one requires to feel fulfilled and happy. Sex is extremely neccesary in a good marriage, and it sounds like you really love your wife ie. time together is enjoyable, good overall relationship.

If this doesn't help, i suggest that you schedule a couple sessions with a marriage counselor, they might be able to help you both.

Good Luck

Answer 6

You sound like a lovely guy and I'm sure your wife will get back to her usual self when the kids are abit older. I am a mum of one child who is just a toddler at the moment and I understand where your wife is coming from. It's hard work being a mummy! The desire for you is still there so you don't really need to worry; she still loves and fancies you so it's just the tiredenss aspect you need to sort out. Perhaps you could have a quiet word with a relative and ask that they offer to babysit the kids. The kids need time with othe people too so good luck and well done for being understanding!

Answer 7

I can totally relate. You must make more than just a romantic effort. Romance is nice when you are pretty and going out, but when you are frazzled from a long day chasing kids you really don't feel very sexy or like wasting time with romance. Your wife needs your to take on more responsibility. You need to do the dishes after dinner, take care of the children while she takes a relaxing bath (undisturbed). You need to offer to do a load of laundry or run the vacuum. That is what really speaks to a women who is overwhelmed with motherhood. She doesn't desire sex less, she desires rest more. Instead of the usual, buy some massage oil. Not the kinky stuff but some essential oils. Lavender, eucalyptus, etc.. Offer a back massage, or a foot rub (whoo hoo - now we are talking). Put the kids to bed and pamper your bride. She deserves it, motherhood is the hardest job any woman can ever do, and it is never rewarded enough. Just be more sensitive to her needs, she will come around - and when she does - LOOK OUT. You are gonna have a love machine on your hands. She is worth it and so is your marriage. Take the time to do these things.. I would like to know how it worked - if you pick mine - please let me know the results you get.. Thanks

Answer 8

“All you care about” and you’re getting it twice a year? Wow. I am really sorry for your situation. I was in a sexless marriage for years so I understand that aspect of it, but the other aspects of our marriage were also bad. At least you can say you have a good marriage except for this one thing. However, it is a BIG thing. It is very possible that your wife’s problem is hormonal, especially if she is over 35. She probably needs to see the doctor and get to the bottom of why she has no sexual desires anymore. Problem is, suggesting this to her is likely to get her pissed off if she gets this irritated with you. You are in a tough spot, that’s for sure. You sound like a good husband and I wish you the best.

Answer 9

This is a very common situation Im in sorrta the same boat Maybe you both need to seek couseling so they can talk to her shes just so used to caring for the kids and busy that shes not thinking of her time alone with you which both of you need try renting movies and going out to get some chinese or what ever you both enjoy eating and after the kids are in bed get comfy and tell her honey get comfy I rented us some movies and got food I know youve had a long day offer her a massage good luck to you You seen like a great guy :)

Answer 10

don't talk about, don't ask for it, act like you are not interested at all, but be respectful, nice & helpful, maybe show interest in starting to spend more time with your friends, maybe not actually doing so, tell her about the cute girl that smiled at you...

She'll wonder and start to worry, to the point where you may not have to be the pest. it might get you lucky every 2-3 months instead of twice a year.

if she doesn't come your way, meet you in the middle, she's very selfish, relationships need maintenance. Save your pocket change for the Spa and blame her if she doesn't like it.

if the marriage ends, it would be her fault. You don't want or need to live like that....

Answer 11

Both of you will need to compromise to make this work. Here's a few suggestions:

a) Make a way to meet her for lunch and have some fun. You need to meet her (mentally) where she is right now. It sounds like she'll be willing to be with you during the day. Don't push the night thing right now. That will come.

b) Take authority of your home as the leader in the house and arrange for the kids to stay with someone for a night. You do not need her permission, but you must do it in a certain way. For this to work, and for her to want to do this again, the night must be special, and the kids must be with someone that SHE trusts. Also, try to make sure the kids are with a trusted friend that has kids around the same age as yours. They will come home talking about the great time they had. She will be skeptical at first, but it will be well worth it.

Best Wishes