Why is my baby trying to kill me?

Question

She's a sweet adorable baby, who loves everyone. She likes to hug and kiss, and cuddle, and she's such a good baby but..

She's almost 10 months, and still wakes up every hour or two at night to nurse. She hardly sleeps all day, and when she does, I have to be next to her because she won't sleep in her crib EVER, and I don't want her to fall of the bed.
In order for her to have her solids, i have to sing dance, and tell her stories, or she won't eat.
She won't stay in her playpen for more than 3 minutes, she won't sit in her high chair, or in her crib. I have to cook, clean and eat while holding her in my arms. I guess she's teething now, because it's gotten a little worse, and I feel like pulling my hair out.
I get no sleep, no time to eat, or take care of myself at all. I have no time for anything at all, not even my poor husband, and basically everything I do, has to be done with a baby hanging from my breast.

This is my first baby. Are all babies like that?

Adrianne, I'm not asking for your sympathy, I just wanted to know if all babies are so difficult. And I know my precious little angel isn't trying to kill me. I'm joking. Relax ok!

LG, thank you so much, I never expected such wonderful and understanding words from a person that doesn't have kids. You're going to make a great father one day.

Tanya, Thank you thank you, thank you!! I checked out the link you gave me, and I thought they were talking about my baby. I feel so much better having read that it's not my fault, and I'm not spoiling her. I could just hug you, and Dr Sears!

Answer 1

#1 SLEEP
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Baby proof your bed, put one side against the wall and for the other side by one of the "bed rails" that just slips under the mattress. Pretty soon she will be old enough to climb on and off the bed on her own. OR babyproof her room (bolt furniture to the wall, block outlets and make sure anything plugged in cannot be unplugged.) and get a twin mattress for her floor, get rid of the crib ;-). Then she can't "fall" out of the bed in her room and you can nurse her to sleep.

Also if you cosleep at night, as I do, consider using the crib as a sidecar. Remove the drop side and attach the crib to the side of the bed, you need to make sure the mattresses remain snug together, usually you have to put some padding between the far side of the crib mattress and the bars (I use some old rolled up sheets for mattress sizes I don't have anymore -but I just can't throw out sheets *sigh*)

Also it is developmentally normal for many breastfed babies to still be waking at night to nurse. Mine was up about every 1-3 hours at the age. Less often once I was actually in bed for the night. Of course going in to nurse baby back to sleep every 90 minutes means I didn't get much done in the evenings. Frequent night waking is particularly common in babies who don't nurse well during the day because they are too busy. I have yet to see even one piece of research that suggests ANY health or developmental benefits for a baby or toddler to sleep through the night. I have seen many studies that show it is normal, reduces SIDS risk, and encourages proper brain development. It was around 14 months that my son started going 4-6 hours one stretch at night. Now at 18 months he's good for 7-8 but before that he is up every 1-2 hours (until I go to bed) and after that he is snack, snack, snack.

If the sleep arrangement either the co-sleeping or the frequency of night feedings is bothersome to you many moms have success with this book:
http://amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/002-1801174-3708019?initialSearch=1&url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=no+cry+sleep+solution+Pantley&Go.x=0&Go.y=0&Go=Go

#2 FOOD
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Just stop driving yourself nuts! She doesn't *need* anything except breastmilk. Until age 1 or later solids are for fun, socializing and learning. And right now she is probably having fun and learning how to train mommy but not really learning much about solids.

Offer her food, preferably real foods not baby foods that she can feed herself. And sit there and share them. If she eats she eats, if she doesn't she doesn't. Also this makes you eat healthier. Lots of fruit and veggies, limit salt and sugar. My son ate about 4-5 days per week, and only one meal between ages 10-12 months. After 12 months he started eating a lot more, probably because I got pregnant and morning sickness effected my supply.

Why safe feeding is safe and beneficial for breastfed babies
http://www.borstvoeding.com/voedselintroductie/vast_voedsel/rapley_guidelines.html#choke

http://www.askdrsears.com/faq/bf4.asp
This means that infants can go for at least a year on breast milk alone, without eating any foods, and be nutritionally complete. Offering foods between 6 and 12 months of age is simply for social development and to get infants used to eating.

Nourishing a baby (some of this page is useful, some I disagree with, worth a read though)
http://www.westonaprice.org/children/nourish-baby.html


#3 "Velcro" baby.
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Can you put her in a back-style carrier? Either a backpack or a wrap? That can allow you to cook and do the dishes.

Let her "help" fold the laundry. (I let my son throw all the socks and underwear into a basket). She can "help" sweep, dust, etc too.

Spend more time actually interacting in the morning, singing songs, games, flashcards, whatever. Sometimes if you pay upfront they are more likely to let you walk away for a few minutes ;). Also these books have some great really short exercises to break up the day (and by short I mean like 30seconds to 3 minutes). http://www.gentlerevolution.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=CTGY&Store_Code=G&Category_Code=B4
(BTW these books are available at most bookstores, there is just a bit more info on them here. And of course reviews on amazon so you don't have to just take my word for it)


#4 Independence
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Your almost there, soon your baby will be off walking around, disassembling the humidifier, building block towers and assembling lego. Of course she'll still check in every 10 minutes if she's like my toddler (hehe unless he is in something he shouldn't be).

By meeting her needs now you really, really ARE making her more independent in the long run!

#5 Some other advice:
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Get out of the house! Go to the park for an hour every day, join mommy groups. Walk around the mall. The break is good for you and generally toddlers respond well to a little stimulation.







http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detsleepthrough.html
The same is true of sleeping. Human children are designed to be sleeping with their parents. The sense of touch is the most important sense to primates, along with sight. Young primates are carried on their mother's body and sleep with her for years after birth, often until well after weaning. The expected pattern is for mother and child to sleep together, and for child to be able to nurse whenever they want during the night. Normal, healthy, breastfed and co-sleeping children do not sleep "through the night" (say 7-9 hours at a stretch) until they are 3-4 years old, and no longer need night nursing. I repeat -- this is NORMAL and HEALTHY. Dr. James McKenna's research on co-sleeping clearly shows the dangers of solitary sleeping in young infants, who slip into abnormal patterns of very deep sleep from which it is very difficult for them to rouse themselves when they experience an episode of apnea (stop breathing). When co-sleeping, the mother is monitoring the baby's sleep and breathing patterns, even though she herself is asleep. When the baby has an episode of apnea, she rouses the baby by her movements and touch. This is thought to be the primary mechanism by which co-sleeping protects children from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. In other words, many cases of SIDS in solitary sleeping children are thought to be due to them having learned to sleep for long stretches at a time at a very early age, so they find themselves in these deep troughs of sleep, then they may experience an episode of apnea, and no one is there to notice or rouse them from it, so they just never start breathing again. Co-sleeping also allows a mother to monitor the baby's temperature during the night, to be there if they spit up and start to choke, and just to provide the normal, safe environment that the baby/child has been designed to expect.

[...]

Human children are designed (whether you believe by millions of years of evolution, or by God, it doesn't matter) -- to nurse *very* frequently, based on the composition of the milk of the species, the fact that all higher primates (Primates are the zoological Order to which humans belong, higher primates include monkeys and apes) keep their offspring in the mother's arms or on her back for several years, the size of the young child's stomach, the rapidity with which breast milk is digested, the need for an almost constant source of nutrients to grow that huge brain (in humans, especially), and so on. By very frequently, I mean 3-4 times per hour, for a few minutes each time. The way in which some young infants are fed in our culture -- trying to get them to shift to a 3-4 hour schedule, with feedings of 15-20 minutes at a time, goes against our basic physiology. But humans are very adaptable, and some mothers will be able to make sufficient milk with this very infrequent stimulation and draining of the breasts, and some children will be able to adapt to large meals spaced far apart. Unfortunately, some mothers don't make enough milk with this little nursing, and some babies can't adjust, and so are fussy, cry a lot, seem to want to nurse "before it is time" and fail to grow and thrive. Of course, usually the mother's body is blamed -- "You can't make enough milk" -- rather than the culturally-imposed expectation that feeding every 3-4 hours should be sufficient, and the mother begins supplementing with formula, which leads to a steady spiral downward to complete weaning from the breast.


Are you feeling overwhelmed by your child's intense needs?
http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/velcrochild.html


Nursing All the Time
Frequent feedings may be biologically more normal than the three-or four-hour schedule new parents expect
http://www.todaysparent.com/article.jsp?content=1266685

Straight Talk About Real Babies
Defining New-mom Expectations
http://breastfeed.com/resources/articles/expectation.htm

So I Nursed Him Every 45 Minutes
By Elizabeth N. Baldwin, Esq.
http://www.llli.org//NB/Law45com.html

ATTACHMENT PARENTING INDEX
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130100.asp

HIGH NEED BABIES
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t050100.asp

Answer 2

I disagree with the "cry it out" idea. I also don't think she is spoiled. This was my experience with my first baby also. I had to learn to live with a child nursing. I had to go to the bathroom, cook dinner, clean house, laundry, everything while nursing. When he wasn't nursing, he would cry. Right around 11 months, everything changed. You are almost at that point, so I will elaborate and give you a bit of hope.

My son didn't crawl or do much until around 10 1/2 -- 11 months. It was because I held him ALL THE TIME. Granted, he would cry if I didn't, but I didn't have the temperment to listen to him crying, and still don't. At around 11 months, he learned to crawl (yes, 11 months, and "no" to all of those who are going to remark at that, the pediatrician said this was well within the normal range). I was able to start putting him in a johnny-jump-up (you could use an exersaucer) with me in the room and still get things done. I could put him in the back of the kitchen away from the stove and clean the kitchen/cook dinner. I could put him in the doorway of the bathroom and get a shower. It took a week or so, but he gradually started to be able to amuse himself in short bursts. This would allow me to get stuff done without hefting his 25lbs around. I would nurse him first, then put him in the jump-up. Eventually, after a few weeks, I could just put him in the jump-up if it had been a short time since his last nursing.

She is NOT spoiled. This is her personality. My son is now 14 and is absolutely the most polite, well-behaved young man in his class. He's the youngest in the class, and on the honor roll. His personality is STILL intense. Of course, he weaned once his sister was born (he was 21 months), so he wasn't nursing forever. And he is HEALTHY and strong. He is 5'8" and lean at 140lbs.

I felt then, like you do now. By the time I was so exasperated that I started to complain, he had started crawling. Before long, he was walking and I didn't have to carry him around any more. You are almost there! Just be brave and give her floor time after every nursing session (as long as she's not asleep). If she fusses but doesn't cry, let her work it out. Pick her up once she starts to cry, give her a cuddle, then try again. Lay on the floor in front of her and stare into her eyes and play games. Show her how mobile she is, and play with her on the floor. Play peek-a-boo a lot. These are the things that help her develop object permanence, the ability to believe that things are still there, namely YOU, even if she can't see them.

You have done such a great job. You deserve a hug, and perhaps a night out with the girls once she's able to. KUDOS super-mama!!!

Answer 3

OK Chloe, I'll throw my two cents in. Mind you I have NO experience raising babies. I would say try not to be too heady about this. What FEELS like the right thing to do at this point. Every child is a little bit different. Every parent is a little bit different and has different situational needs. So there's no universal "right" way to raise a child. No one but you knows your feelings and your baby better than you. And you need a solution that works for your baby AND you. You can't be a good mother if you're stressed to the breaking point all the time.
So rather than thinking you have to be something for your baby just be you and your baby will love you for it(mind you they won't be happy about it all the time). If you're tired be tired and let your baby know you're tired. If you're concerned do the same. Sooner or later your child will figure out that you're a normal, fallible, f'd up human being like the rest of us. But she will still love you. And I think you'll do a wonderful job as a mother, just as you. You won't be perfect. But that's OK. Human beings, believe it or not, can tolerate and even embrace imperfection. It's being treated like they don't matter that they can't stand.

Answer 4

Okay, if she is teething, nursing can be something that comforts her/helps with the pain. Try offering her a teething ring to see if that helps; if so it will give you a little more free time and probably intrigue her.

I second the suggestion of a sling. I found that Maya Wraps are the best, IME!

YOU CANNOT SPOIL A BABY!! She needs comfort and help dealing with the pain of teething. Also, at around this age they start to get a little more clingy, and deal with separation anxiety. This is normal, and it will pass. There is always a new stage in child development to learn about and go thru -- right now it's this.

Family bed sleeping, which it sounds like you are doing, is perfectly normal in many societies. You might think of trying to "sidecar" the crib, or even get a toddler bed (with safety rails) and place it next to yours, transitioning her to sleep in it.

Answer 5

Oh chloe, I've been going through the same thing! It sounds like you practice a similar parenting style as I do since you co-sleep, and I think that a lot of us go through this or something similar, especially with the first baby. Right around when my little girl was 10-11 months (she's 15 months now), I thought I was going to lose it. She (still) WILL NOT sleep in her crib, nursed all night long so that my sleep was really uncomfortable and interupted, I felt dehydrated and sore. Putting her in a playpen was out of the question, although she would tolerate being in the living room for a while with baby gates, but that made me nervous because it wasn't totally baby-proofed. She did okay with naps, eating, and in her high chair, but generally speaking, I had to be with her, holding her 24/7. I went on message boards crying for help, but unfortunately didn't really get much. I cried and yelled at and to my husband saying, "I can't do this!" Mostly it was the sleeping thing I think - since I didn't get a good night sleep, it ruined the rest of the day and I couldn't deal with the fact that I couldn't shower, or eat, or run errands - it was a vicious cycle because I kept getting more depressed and even angry!

Now, for the good part. It sounds like you've been doing a good job - you're your daughters world. She knows she can count on you to be there when she needs you, or even just wants you, and that is crucial for the rest of her life. You'll be her rock, and her shoulder to cry on, and don't we all want a close relationship with our children?

Furthermore, in my experience with my little one, it gets better, and sooner than you think. She still sleeps with me, but she sleeps almost all the way through the night now, only nursing in the early morning when my husband is leaving for work. She's much better at entertaining herself, and she's starting to really play well with others too, so I babysit and actually get MORE done that way!

I wish I could tell you something helpful about the eating, but I've never had any problem with my daughter and food - just hang in there and keep offering a good variety of veggies and fruit. My daughter liked (and still likes) scrambled eggs which are an excellent source of protein and easy to eat. I think that if she gets more into food, she'll not mind her high chair as much either, so here's hoping!

Have you looked into bed rails? I have three, one on each side and one at the foot of the bed, and I don't feel like I have to be in bed with her all the time. Granted, she COULD still fall out, but she'd have to go to the bottom corner, and I'm in the room when she wakes up before she ever even sits up.

Baby's need the closeness and security that you're offering - good job. Slings and wraps are great for working - I used to carry my baby in a moby wrap while I cleaned another person's house for pay. Crying it out is never the answer - they don't understand why their needs aren't being met. I don't know if you follow any certain faith, but I liken our relationship with our children to our relationship with God. He's always there to comfort us and hold us in his arms, even if the answer to our questions or desires is "no." Isn't that what we want for our children; for them to know they can trust and rely on us, even when we don't give them exactly what they want - but always fulfilling the NEEDS? You're doing the right thing :o)

Keep up the good work, and know you're not alone. After about a month or two of the worst parts, things changed for us, so let me encourage you that it probably will for you too. They grow and change so quickly at this age, how could it not? She'll be moving on to a new stage quickly, one with new joys and challenges. Feel free to vent anytime!

Answer 6

That sounds exactly like my youngest DD who is now 29 months. My hubby and I put 3 mattresses on the floor of our bedroom so they are flush to 3 walls and only open at the foot of the bed so she cant fall out of bed. She didn't start sleeping through the night until she was 14 months old. She won't eat anywhere but my lap and from my plate. She doesn't play like my other children did she just wants to sit with me all day. Now that she is older she loves to help with laundry dishes and other cleaning chores. I remember when she was 10 months old thinking she was going to drive me insane before her first birthday. We got through it and you will too. Just try to sleep when you can and keep your chin up. Good luck and remember it is only temporary.

Answer 7

my doodness dwaces gal,welcome to mother-hood. after all is said and done,you will look back at this time of life and relish each and every minute of it. babies, by nature are very demanding...they have got to be in this big world of big people. since they can't talk yet, they do what they do best.(bug the hell out momma....and at times, daddy) you sound as though you are a very loving mother...keep up the good work...keep in touch with your fellow yahoo-ligans about the little ones progress.

Answer 8

Don't let her rule your life. You're the authority here, not her. Don't cater to her every whim.

1) Try putting her crib mattress on the floor in a babyproofed room. That might be all she needs to sleep alone, and since it's so low to the floor it wouldn't hurt her if she rolled off.

2) Act very passive when you're feeding her. When she's hungry, she will eat, but you can't turn it into a power struggle. Don't give her a reaction if she spits food out, or refuses to open her mouth. Just wait patiently and keep trying.

3) She's old enough to be getting some solids now. Try giving her a little slice of banana to nibble on as soon as you put her in the highchair. This may distract her enough that she won't care where she is.

4) When you're cooking, set her on the floor with some pots and pans to bang on. She may not even realize she's not being held.

5) Take time for yourself. You need to be well-rested and fed in order to be able to care for her properly. If you don't start taking care of yourself too, you may end up getting sick. Let her cry once in a while - a few minutes isn't going to hurt her, and she's not going to hate you for it.

You could try weaning her off of her nighttime feedings by making her wait longer for them, and shortening them. I'd still keep in one feeding at night, but the rest are unecessary. Once you do start getting more rest, make sure she sees the benefits - help her understand that babies with well-rested mommies get to do more fun things. She may be more willing to let you sleep a little better.

If all else fails, call her pediatrician and ask for advice. They can be a lot of help, especially with pointing out which things are normal and which should be fixed.

Answer 9

I agree with giving newborns as much security and closeness as they need, but i think by 10months, they need to start being a bit independent and you need some sort of life back.

Not everyone thinks that - the Continuum method of raising children would have the child in a sling with you the whole time as South American and African mothers might until their children are well over 1. I think this is fine if it's what you want, but it seems like you don't, and our lifestyle these days doesnt' really lend itself to that.

regarding the sleeping - it can be possible to 'train' an older baby or child to sleep on their own by persevering with having them sleep in their own bed and withdrawing your contact bit by bit. it requires strength and determination and it can work if you decide to do it - it will involve your child crying because this is new to them and they won't like it, but they will be safe and in a good place and will have to get used to it, and they will.

regarding the feeding - your child has learnt to associate distractions and playing with eating. i did this at first; then i decided to make the playing food related and got rid of all toys and got my daughter hands on with spoons and bowls - I still did a lot of the feeding, but only let her play with food related items. Again, you have taught your child tobe like this, so it is possible to 'unlearn' her, especially at such a young age, but will also take strenght and determination.

remember, she will not starve herself and if you have a few meals of her eating precious little, it won't damage her.

how about lots of finger foods so she's in charge of feeding herself? there's a huge range she can have - fruits, veggies, bread products...

good luck

* * * * *
EDIT re: laura, the day care lady -babies do NOT have lungs for crying - they have them for breathing. Crying does NOT exercise the lungs or any other nonsense that was passed round in old wives tales - it has been shown that excessive crying is bad for babies in all sorts of ways.

by all means allow your baby to cry to an extent that you feel is appropriate if you think it is vital for training and long term improvement, but that's NOT what babies have lungs for - I'm not trying to be literal, I'm trying to counter the popular belief that it is in fact good for babies' lungs to be allowed to cry....

Answer 10

Not all babies are like this. My first wasn't but the other two were/are. It's hard work, but just keep saying to yourself that it won't last forever...she can't still be like this at 3 (hopefully!)

Answer 11

It's going to be hard to do, but you're going to have to put her down and leave her there a little more often. My son was my first, and for awhile, I "had" to hold him and sway until he fell asleep. Well, by eighteen months, he was just too heavy to be doing that for 20 minutes+ every night. So I stopped. And guess what? He quickly learned to go to sleep without it. I KNOW it is HARD to do things that your baby objects to, because they cry and look so miserable, but expecting a 10 month old to sit in a highchair or play on the rug for awhile isn't unreasonable or cruel. She will protest, but she will adjust quickly.
Maybe try giving her some things to look at while she's in the high chair, like a shaker of sprinkles, or a magazine with lots of babies in it? It could distract her from the idea that she's in the high chair, and you could get a few bites in her. The night-time stuff is a bit more tricky, because you're not in the mood to be listening to her cry for hours in the middle of the night. She's definitely using nursing to pacify herself. Maybe you could try nursing less frequently during the day, and she may get used to that and transfer those expectations to the night. My babies were bottle-fed, but had the exact same issues: wanted a bottle day and night, just to suck on for comfort. Eventually, you just have to bite the bullet and offer it less often. Tough, but they will adjust.
This is a very difficult time, and I feel for you. People who haven't been there don't know how exhausting doing everything with a baby hanging off can be. But, at her age, crawling and walking will come soon, and she will be eager to let you go and explore. Good luck!