Words of Wit and Wisdom?

Question

My dad told me: "If you're gonna be an a.s.s, you might as well be a smart one. ...Nobody likes a dumb a.s.s." What did your dad tell you?

My dad came home from a year-long tour in Vietnam lobbing artilery inland from his big boat on the coast. We embraced on the deck of big boat as he commented, "You're getting a haircut." I hadn't seen him for awhile, so I forgot what our relationship was like which gave the temerity to ask, "Why?" He replied, "Because the way you look and behave is a reflection on me and your mother. That's why." The next day, I went to school and asked all of my teachers to write a short note to my dad telling him what they thought of him based on my appearance and behavior. Every teacher gave me a glowing report including one retired USN petty officer who said he wished he had a son like me. Went I got home from school, I marched directly to my dad and delivered the notes. He read each one. When the last of the accolades had been reviewed, he laid them down, looked at me and said, "That's all well and good. But you're still getting a haircut."

I see a lot of dads out there were cut from the same cloth, it seems.

My dad held weekly inspections of our rooms.

Raise your hands if you think Cheese is made from the folded half of his dad.

My dad was a mechanical engineer. I was a stupid kid. One day I was "helping" him (which usually meant put away all the tools) set the level of a water sprinkler at the end of a hose. My job was to adjust the valve while he positioned the sprinkler. It wasn't until I was a senior in high school taking honors physics that I learned to "right hand rule" of electromagnetism for determining the pole direction of the magnetic field created from electric current running through wire coils that I also figured out which way to turn the valve to increase or decrease the flow of water from a spigot. My job, that day, ended with a very wet and very enraged dad chasing his son around the yard.

"I hope you have kids just like you some day!" ...I thought it was a compliment.

Answer 1

When I was 4 years old, my dad told me about "Murphy's law." It bothered me for years.

When I was 5 years old, I did a 3 dimensional isometric drawing of a house. I showed it to my dad and he told me my perspective was off, I needed to determine my vanishing point and the shading was unrealistic because I was not consistent with my light source.

When I was around 7 years old, we (my siblings and I) had learned all the standard cuss words and so we asked my dad if there were any other foul words we could use to insult each other with. At a loss for any, he said: "vaginal lips." Then watched in amusement as we called each other "vaginallipses" for half the day before we realized what we were saying.

Already an established graphic designer for several years, I went to work for my dad's ad agency. He started me out as a gopher for almost a year because he didn't want to be accused of nepotism. One day he saw me exchanging a few words with another employee. He took me aside and explained how he never socializes on the job and is constantly in a cold sweat when he works for fear of getting distracted and making a mistake. He informed me that if I was to continue working there, I should do the same.

Okay, so the lovely female AE I was chatting with was sitting on my lap at the time so he wasn't completely wrong for reprimanding me.

In my dad's defense, his father, who was a sadistic tyrant, told him: "Don't ever speak to anyone because no one cares what you have to say and you'll just be a nuisance." This was at family gatherings that he would say things like this. So you can't really blame the guy for being a little cold at times.

My mom, on the other hand, would gush endlessly about how talented I was and have it framed and mounted prominently if I puked on a piece of paper. (Slight exaggeration there.)

All in all, I love my dad dearly and he's my greatest influence in life. My moms not too shabby either.

Answer 2

My dad gave the best advice especially after we would let out a big juicy sounding you know what he would tell us to always check our shorts.

He also would tell me that I should eat my vegetables because it would grow hair on my chest.

Always if asked by strangers if I could spare some change to always give because it wasn't my place to judge other people and their situation.

He also said lima beans were gross and he will never eat them so that was one vegetable we didn't have to eat.

The best thing he ever said was that my mom was very closed minded. After years of my mother telling me how bad my father was I hadn't bonded with him until I was 16 after he told me this. He passed away when I turned 18 unexpectedly though sad to say. He was a genius and had a lot of good insight but I didn't even realize it till it was too late.

Answer 3

My father was ever full of wisdom. He imparted to me all of the following:

When in any public restroom while standing at the urinals, he would always turn to me and proclaim "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it." (hand to God that's true). I learned to hold it.

I remember a time when we were both watching a football game and he turned to me suddenly and said, "Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you! I finally figured out how to make "it" twelve inches long!"(dad had a fascination with "it") "How?" I naturally asked, as is the human inclination. "Fold it in half," he replied. I got my own TV for my birthday and watched football alone shortly thereafter.

I believe the most serious advice my father ever gave me, and I took it to heart, was "Son. Do NOT serve baked beans at your wedding reception. Trust me on this." Mom still will not talk about her first night of marriage.

And to think...I'm made up of exactly one half of that man. I know. I don't believe it either.


***
Haa! The folded half! Please. The only part of that man that even looks folded is on the other side of his body and pokes out of his jeans every time he "fixes" something. The joke he told me on the couch that day only typifies the kind of man he is. I think in his mind's eye he sees himself as hybrid of Confuscious and Robin Williams. The deep thinking wisearse who can come up with a crack like that at half time of a football game.....Just watch the game dad, I say. Just watch the game!

Answer 4

I have no wit and wisdom today, I'm sorry, I'm all wit and wisdomed out

Answer 5

"The optimist sees the glass half full, the pessimist sees the glass half empty . . . the realist just drinks what's there and goes back to work. Realists get more work done."

Then he told me to clean my room . . .!

True story . . .

Answer 6

"It is better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to speak up and prove that you are." That's what he used to say, although I'm sure he wasn't talking about me.

Answer 7

"Pretty is as pretty does." Translation--be clean, neat and well-groomed. I added "and wear make-up" to that on my own!!!

Answer 8

"If a job is worth doing, it's worth doing right."

and

"Choke up on your hammer, Priss."

Unforgettable.