Usually, I'm the one who's giving advice, but this problem escapes me. I just can't make up my mind. Here's the story:
Okay, I met this girl in 7th grade & we became best friends. We always said we would be MOH in e/o's wedding someday. When I got a serious BF eventually, we'd always talk about it & stuff. Well, we roomed together our first year of college & it turned out bad after a few months. Then we had this summer apart, & she seemed to get over things. But I am not. She said vicious things about me behind my back, and to my face, & turned several friends against me (just not outwardly against me, in a way). She did it all "nicely" though if you know what I mean? Well, when I got engaged this summer, I'm assuming she assumed to be my MOH, but I have not asked her to be yet, nor do I plan to. We still talk a LITTLE bit, but not much.
2007-10-04 19:07:18 · 24 answers · asked by Julie D 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
My question is:
Should I sit her down & tell her why she is not MOH (or Bridesmaid at all) or just not worry about it? Either way, she will use what I do against me, you know? “Ugh, she didn’t even talk to me about it” or “Ugh, she came and was mean and told me she didn’t want me in her wedding like she always planned.” And the thing is, I don’t talk bad about her to our mutual friends, I only talk bad about her to my fiance. I’m not big on talking bad about people behind their backs. And even when I “talk bad” it’s more or less voicing my frustrations.
2007-10-04 19:07:42 · update #1
I refuse to let her in my wedding. She doesn’t care about me as a person, or my relationship, or anything. Which I realize when I roomed with her. Now, don’t get me wrong, I did not do the best stuff either. We were both not the best people in the world. She seems to have gotten over everything though, and I have not. And I don’t care whether she and I talk about it or not, but it will not get us anywhere, which I know because that’s who she is.
But, should I talk to her about it or not?
2007-10-04 19:08:08 · update #2
Hon, if you have not asked her to be in the wedding, she is NOT in the wedding. It is just that simple. Go ahead and choose your bridal party and let it go. If she says something about it, tell her you appreciate her support of your pending marriage, but you don't feel that the two of you have been very close for quite a while, and you have already chosen your bridal party.
You may want to offer her an alternate job...such as guest book attendant. Of course, you don't need to have her involved at all! That is completely up to you. This is your wedding...you do not need back stabbing people involved in your marriage!
~Kat
2007-10-05 02:23:35 · answer #1 · answered by Kat 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The length of a friendship does not mean the friendship is of quality. I was in a similar situation with my childhood friend and I decided against having her as my MOH. You know what? I don't regret it.
She's one of those passive-aggressive types and you're more comfortable with confronting issues. To get this off your mind, do talk to her. Forgiving her is one thing but under no circumstances should you have someone be your MOH or bridesmaid if you really don't want them to be. Perhaps you'll consider inviting her to your wedding (if the conversation goes well).
2007-10-04 19:24:26 · answer #2 · answered by Jasmine808 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is never a correct way to issue a negative invitation. "I need to select someone to honor, and it's not going to be you" is just a variation on "nyah, nyah, nyah" and you're too old (not to mention too mannerly) for that. Simply say and do nothing. If she brings the matter up, say something like "I'm sorry, but I didn't think you'd be interested. I've already asked someone else. I very much want you attend as an honored guest. Is there someone special you'd like me to invite for you?" and then zip it up. Do NOT make any mention of WHY you thought she wouldn't be interested, beyond "We seem to grown apart over the years." No recriminations allowed.
If she doesn't bring it up, she'll figure it out when she gets her invitation or the little personal note advising her to 'save the date'. As mentioned above, it would be especially gracious to offer to invite an extra person if she wishes. (No, putting "and guest" on the invitation isn't the same at all. That tells people "you'd darn well better scrounge up some sort of date or you're going to look ridiculous" and isn't very gracious at all. Do you really want to let people drag along just anybody, especially when YOU are footing the bill for free champagne?)
2007-10-05 02:55:23 · answer #3 · answered by kill_yr_television 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you only talk a little bit, then just let it go. Do not ask her to be in the wedding party. You don't even need to discuss the wedding with her at all.
If she brings up the subject and seems interested in being MOH . . . you say, "I'm sorry, but it seems we no longer have the closeness and deep friendship we once shared. I am sure you will be more comfortable attending the wedding as our guest."
The two of you can then either make attempts to repair your relationship (this would be a great opening), or you can just let it go . . . if that is your choice.
But in answer to your question . . . no. I wouldn't bring up the subject of wedding or attendants to her at all . . . . not unless she mentions it first.
2007-10-05 00:01:52 · answer #4 · answered by Suz123 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Since you're so unhappy about things, make a list of what happened and why it still upsets you. Then, as you rip up the list, say out loud, "I'm done with being unhappy." or some such thing. You'd be surprised how much better you feel. If this doesn't work, then talk things out with her, and apologize for your previous behavior.
If you can't resolve things, then you will at least know you tried. You sound like you feel frustrated, anxious, guilty and all kinds of upset about how things stand between you two.
Good luck.
2007-10-04 19:14:48 · answer #5 · answered by Debra S 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I totally know where you are coming from...because this happened to me. My best friend was going to be my Maid of honor and then she back stabbed me because she wanted her dress to be the only one with a damn bow. After that she didn't want to be in my wedding and I told her that I didn't want her in the wedding if she was going to be piety. After that I never talked to her again and didn't invite her to the wedding. It's not worth your time to worry about someone that brings so much negativity around you. Trust me your going to have enough stress planning your wedding. You can't make everyone happy planning this wedding so just make you and your future husband happy. You don't owe anyone anything and you don't owe her an explanation on anything. You shouldn't even talk to her anymore. Just forget about her and focus on your wedding and future with your future husband.
2007-10-04 19:32:54 · answer #6 · answered by Grace Q. 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't as it seems that whatever you say she will be talking behind your back, you can't win with some people. If she says anything just say to her that you feel you have drifted apart and that you are both on different paths now, people grow and change and you want someone there as your MOH who is gonna support you, not stab you in the back.
2007-10-04 21:29:12 · answer #7 · answered by sparkleythings_4you 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What good would sitting her down & making a point of telling her do? It's only going to make things more awkward between you. It's only going to make her feel bad. It's only going to cause a scene. I think your initial feelings of wanting to do this are caused by the anger and pain you still feel from her behavior before. You want to clear the air or get closure or something. Those feelings are valid, but I still think talking about this is a bad idea. Think seriously about this before you do it, b/c it may be that you only want to do it to inflict a little pain on her too? Be the bigger person & skip it!
2007-10-05 10:50:59 · answer #8 · answered by valschmal 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Choose who you want to be your MOH. If she asks, just say 'sorry because of what you did I can't have you in my wedding'. Simple. If she doesn't get it, be more blunt and say what she did to her so she realises and say you don't want people like that in your wedding as she is not a true friend. Forget her, she is not nice. Choose nice people for your wedding.
2007-10-04 19:16:08 · answer #9 · answered by BTB2211 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
honestly sweety, even if she's over it, she can't expect you to be, and she should know that friends don't treat each other like that, therefor she's not a friend and why would you want somebody who's not your friend to be you MOH, i don't think that you have to sit down and tell her why she won't be she should already assume...but maybe if it bothers you so much still, and you do want to be her friend again, you should sit down and talk to her about that. Hope this helps!
2007-10-04 20:21:38 · answer #10 · answered by StephP 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋